He caressed my face. “We’re both stressed, even if we’re pretending not to be.”
“I keep telling myself just to be grateful for the extra time.”
He nodded. “You can experience both gratitude and sadness, you know. I’m grappling with those right now myself. We can’t help how we feel.” He exhaled. “I know I made a big deal about our age difference in the beginning. But the truthis, when I’m with you, I don’t feel any different inside than I did when I was your age. It’s like I’mhimagain. That’s one fucked-up thing about getting older—you still feel young inside. But being with you makes me feel like the person I was when I had my entire life ahead of me, before I fucked a lot of things up. Before I broke.” He sighed. “You make me feel whole again.”
I ran my finger along his chin. “It’s never too late for a new life. I think you had to grow up really fast after everything you went through. Maybe you never naturally outgrew him—that person you were at nineteen.”
He nodded. “That’s an interesting theory.”
I looked at him a moment. “Have you ever gotten help for your PTSD?”
Tate’s eyes left mine for a moment. He shook his head. “I haven’t wanted to see a therapist, but I suppose at some point, maybe I should.” He sighed. “It’s just so much easier to block it out.”
I caressed his hair. “Do you ever talk about it with anyone, though? Like friends or family?”
“Not really.” He swallowed.
“Will you talk about it with me?” I whispered.
He paused a moment then nodded.
I waited for him to speak.
“We were stationed in Afghanistan,” he said, shifting his body. “In an area that was notorious for ambushes. But we’d received some intel that implied we were safe. So, I made the call to continue with a routine supply run in the area.”
He looked away as he continued. “At one point there was some debris on the side of the road that seemed off, so we had a couple of techs check it out, and it turned outto be nothing. That led me to decide that we could safely continue the run.” He shut his eyes briefly. “A short time later, an IED blew behind us, hitting one of the trucks in my convoy.”
My heart broke for him. I looped my fingers with his. “I’m so sorry.”
“I lost two good friends.” His eyes glistened. “After that day, I kept having panic attacks because every little thing looked suspicious to me. I wasn’t able to function.”
“So, they sent you home?”
He nodded. “Basically, yeah. I was discharged.” Tate drew in a breath. “I could go into a lot more detail about what I saw, but it’s hard for me. I will tell you, though, in the dead of night, those vivid memories come flooding back. In fact, they’d started again at the beginning of this trip. Before you and I met, there was one night I couldn’t sleep at all. But since you came into my life, I haven’t had a single nightmare. Obviously, distraction works. It’s just always temporary.”
I squeezed his hand. “Thank you for sharing that with me. I’m glad I could make you feel better, even for just a little while.”
He buried his face in my neck and spoke against my skin. “If only I could just escape into you forever, I wouldn’t have to face anything.”
Chapter 14
TATE
On the morning of our last full day together, I watched Blair sleep as I quietly dreaded tomorrow. At the same time, I also wanted to get it over with. If there were a way to make time stand still, though, I would’ve frozen right here in this place and spent each and every day living in the moment with this beautiful girl. What a dream that would be. But alas, she needed to live her life. That meant preventing her from getting involved with a man who’d screwed up every important personal relationship he’d ever had.
Her eyes fluttered open. “Whatcha doing?” she asked, her voice groggy.
“Watching you sleep while I still can.”
Both our flights left early in the morning tomorrow, so after today, there wouldn’t be much time to enjoy anything. Today and tonight would be like one long goodbye. The mere thought made my chest feel hollow.
The sun peeked through the curtains, an invitation to step outside into the world, but all I wanted was to stay inthis bed with Blair. And it wasn’t only about the sex. That realization was as enlightening as it was unsettling.
She ran her finger along my chest. “If we were a movie, what kind would we be? A comedy? A drama?”
I scratched my chin. “I think we’re neither. We’re more like…a really good documentary. Because nothing about this experience has been anything less than real for me, an authentic connection. And while there have been funny moments—mostly thanks to you—comedy would be too simple to represent what this feels like. It also wouldn’t be a sad story, despite what we’ll inevitably experience tomorrow. So, I think documentary is the closest match, a series of moments where two humans forged a connection that neither one will ever forget.”
“That’s beautiful,” she whispered.
