“I have a surprise for you after you finish your snack, okay?”
No, it wasn’t his birthday. But I’d already missed three of those. I’d missed a few Christmases, too. So that’s how I justified it. This was long overdue.
After he finished, I couldn’t wait to bring him outside before it got dark.
Nicholas squealed as he got a look at his very own ride-on truck. I’d gotten a dark gray one, just like mine. I knew this was completely gratuitous. I hadn’t even told Blair I’d purchased it, for fear that she’d tell me not to spoil him. But I couldn’t help myself and hoped she wouldn’t be pissed.
He got in, and I spent the next several minutes teaching him how to use it. Then I watched in satisfaction as my little man drove himself around the grass.
“What a big boy,” I called out. “You’re such a good driver.”
The love in my heart at seeing his palpable joy felt limitless. Tears formed behind my eyes. Never again would I miss a moment of his life. What a freaking gift. Not only to have a second son, but tohave a child with Blair.Something I would’ve never willingly allowed, butthe universe allowed anyway. It felt like an honor I’d never deserve, nor fully repay.
I took some videos of my son riding around in his truck. In fact, my camera roll was fast becoming filled with Nicholas images and not much of anything else.
After an hour and a half of playing in the yard, followed by dinner, it was getting close to bedtime. I finally convinced Nicholas to give the truck a break, promising we’d spend more time outside tomorrow.
While he played with the train set in the living room, I drew him a bath. Once I led him into the bathroom and put him in the soapy tub, he splashed with his rubber toys while I watched him like he was the second coming of Christ.
At one point, he looked up at me and asked, “Who are you?”
I froze. That was an odd question. Cocking my head, I squinted. “What do you mean, buddy?” He sensed something. I knew it in my bones.
But rather than answer my question, he just smiled and said nothing. The urge to whisper, “I’m your daddy,” nearly overwhelmed me for a moment, but this wasn’t the time.
After I put Nicholas to bed, I realized how much his presence had consumed me. I’d thought of nothing else for hours. Now I checked on him periodically, and it seemed he was out like a light.
That left space for my mind to return to Blair. I sat on the couch, mindlessly flipping through channels, unable to concentrate on anything but the fact that she was out on a date.
What if she really likes this guy?
What if she has sex with him because it’s been so long for her?
She said she hadn’t had sex since me.
Fuck. The thought of that made me crazy.
She’d also said she was looking for the same thing as when she’d met me—and I knew what that was. She’d been starving, and she was most certainly starving now if she’d gone four fucking years without it.
Fuck.
I felt sicker with each minute that I sat here, torturing myself. So I forced myself up and went into the bedroom. I decided to work out, anything to get rid of this nervous energy. I wanted to punch the wall, but I couldn’t with my sweet boy in the next room. This also wasn’t my home to destroy.
As I did push-ups, I felt feral and possessive. I’d made a huge mistake in encouraging Blair to go out. I wanted to be a better man, a stronger person, but I wasn’t. Because my feelings for her and my fears when it came to Taylor were mutually exclusive.
Despite the urge to text her, I couldn’t allow myself to do it. The push-ups continued.
Then my phone chimed.
Blair: How did everything go?
Tate: Perfect. He’s sleeping. We had an amazing time. He’s getting used to me, which is cool.
Now that she’d opened the door, it was so much harderto hold back.
Don’t do it.
Don’t do it.
