“That’s because you don’t put yourself out there!”
“We are not talking about this,” I say, standing up. “Now that you’ve got Andras, you’re so ready to set me up with someone so I can have love too. It’s very sweet but also, I’m not so sure it’s welcome.”
“Shit, Leo. I’m really sorry.”
“It’s okay,” I say quickly. “I’m not mad or anything. I’m just,” I let out a long breath and run my hands through my hair. “It’s fine. I know you mean well. I just feel really stuck right now. You’re probably right, but I don’t know if I’m actually ready to admit that.”
“What’s holding you back?”
That’s the question, isn’t it? Whatisholding me back?
I’ve liked people in the past, but none of them ever feltright. It’s like there’s a tether around my chest, squeezing me to the point of pain whenever I think about actually dating or sleeping with someone. Every time it felt sowrong.
I like to think it’s because I have a soulmate out there, waiting for me. On the other hand, maybe I’m just way too stuck in my head to allow myself to let go. As a phoenix, this isn’t my first lifetime. I’m much, much older than I look. At this point, you’d think I would allow myself to find love, that I’d allow myself to open up to another person.
Gods, I’m so tired of being lonely.
“That’s an excellent question,” I finally say. “Probably something I should ask my therapist, who by the way, knows you by name.”
“Oh, fuck off,” Bren says with a chuckle that has my chest warming again.
“Do you want some coffee?”
“Yeah, I’ll take an English toffee latte.”
“Fancy fucker.”
“You love me!”
“Yeah, whatever,” I say but I make sure he catches my smile.
As I walk towards the area where the food court is, a shocking head of bright red hair catches my eye. It’s so messy yet so artfully tousled, a thick headband keeping the majority out of the owner’s face. It reminds me of the main character of an anime or cartoon.
The owner of that hair is excitedly talking to the barista. He takes his coffee and then starts to wander away, looking at every store and display with such excited intensity.
I wish I had come over sooner because then maybe I would have been able to see his face properly or even attempt to talk to him. His smile is infectious, that excitement practically palpable in the air.
Wait.
What?
Why would I want to talk to him? Because of his hair? That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard myself think and I’ve thought some pretty stupid things before. I was just telling Bren I wasn’t ready to open up and then I see one pretty man and I’m ready to put myself out there?
Gods, I’m being ridiculous.
I quickly order two lattes before returning to Bren, handing him his drink. He takes a sip, humming happily at the taste. As I sip, I can’t stop looking around, hoping to spot that mop of bright red again. I can feel Bren staring at me and I pointedly ignore him.
“What’s got that smile on your face?”
I purposely frown. “Thinking about your mom.”
Bren snorts so hard I’m pretty sure he’s going to give himself a bloody nose. Serves him right.
“Dude! Who’s the immature one now, huh?”
“Still you.”
Down the hall that’s across from our booth, I see that shock of red again. My stomach does the funniest thing. It feels like my insides leap and flip around inside of me. I’m not sure what to think about that.
