I groaned. “Don’t I know it.”
“He truly believes that ghosts are haunting him.”
“I admit he is peculiar, but he has his sweet moments too.” His letter of apology with his compliment on my beauty came to mind.
“Oh? Does he make your heart race when you are near him?” He turned his head to gauge my response, his lips curling into his flirtatious smile.
I wish I could say I had that reaction with Clodwick, but my heart only ever betrayed me for one person. Even in the low light, my pulse quickened seeing Rowan’s handsome features. “I don’t trust my heart,”I confessed.
“Why not?”
I shrugged. I refused to tell him that my heart kept telling me to choose him of all people. I couldn’t change my convictions because a man’s smile made my knees weak. He was no longer the villain in my story, but the history between us still stood like an uncrossable barrier. “Can we speak of something else?”
“Certainly. We can speak of anything you want. What do you fancy talking about?”
I didn’t fancy anything beyond distracting him from talking about these unexplainable feelings between us. “Tell me something about you.”
“You want to know about me?” The shock in his voice made me feel repentant about the way I had been treating him.
“I could use the distraction . . . unless of course, you are ready to return to the others.” There was nothing proper or auspicious about sitting together in the cramped space behind the sofa.
Rowan smiled. “I am quite content to stay here until my legs fall asleep if it pleases you. What do you want to know?”
I wanted to know how he could act like a nice man now after being such a mean child. I wanted to know what had changed, how he could bring himself to smile and talk with me like this, but I dared not ask any of those questions. I searched for another topic. “I have heard a few stories from Papa’s correspondence, but surely there was more happening in your life in the last twelve years than you could fit in a dozen letters.”
Rowan rubbed his jaw. “Let’s see, I suppose I could tell you about my grand tour.”
My interest piqued. I had not traveled much, and I had always wondered if seeing new places would strengthen my writing. “What countries did you see?”
“We traveled through Austria-Hungry, Spain, and Italy. We were never long in one place, but it was enough to experience their unique cultures.”
“Father had a letter from you before you’d left. I remember it said something about traveling with friends. I admit, I did not pay close attention.”
“No? You did not anticipate every word from every letter? You disappoint me.” He shook his head playfully. “Yes, I traveled with six of my closest friends from school. I do not believe there are better men in allthe world. They are not perfect, mind you, but they are loyal, and that is a quality that I deeply admire.”
Loyal. My chest stung. I had not been loyal to him. How he must despise me. I smoothed the skirts in my lap. “What place was your favorite?”
“Honestly?”
I nodded.
“Seeing the shores of England when we returned home.”
“Really? Were you homesick?”
“Something like that.” He reached over and touched the lace on the hem of my dress that had pooled near his hand. “Our ship was caught in a great storm as we crossed the channel. Our mast fell and the hull took on water. I thought it was the end.”
My hand went to my stomach. “How frightening.”
“I was terrified. I thought of you, actually.”
“Me?” Nothing he could have said would have surprised me more.
“I thought of our future family that would never exist if I died.”
My breathing became stilted. Even though he had lived, that family still wouldn’t exist. “Did it bring you relief that you did not have to marry me?”
He shook his head. “Even with our rocky relationship, the idea of not having a future to look forward to—of not having my own posterity—felt rather bleak and depressing.” He cleared his throat, adopting his carefree tone once more. “Don’t worry. I will find another unsuspecting girl who doesn’t know how vexing my personality is and win her over with my rusty charms. You need not look so guilty.”
