Matthew.
“I-I don’t want to talk,” I said as I pressed my fingers into my forehead, hoping to quiet the noises of my weakness.
“You know, you may have him fooled,” he started, the comfort in his voice still there even though I’d become nothing but a monster. “But not me.”
“I’m not fooling anyone,” I spat. “I don’t need this.” I shoved him out of the way, nearly dropping the box as I caught it before it broke.
He caught my arm, ripping me back toward him as he kicked the door to Thorne’s room shut, locking us inside. “Bullshit,” he snarled, his finger drilling into my chest. “This?Thisisn’t who you are, and you fucking know it. You’re falling apart internally, because you arefullyaware of what you’re doing, Oren. Stop pushing everyone away when we just got backhome.”
“You don’t think I know exactly what I’m doing? I made a choice to prevent myself from breaking… tohurtthe man who thinks it’s fine to play around with others as if he’s the?—”
He cut me off. “If that’s what you think, if that’s what you’ve come tobelieveafter seeing Thorne beneath his mask, then younevercared for him to begin with. What was he, Oren? Just another quick fuck for you?”
“Wasn’t it for him? A quick fuck to follow my father’s orders? For someone he almost killed, you’re quite fucking loyal.”
“Because,unlike you,I know the man he is. Ibelieve inthe man he is,” he snapped, shoving me further into the room. “It was never aquick fuckfor him. And do you want to know how I know that? Because he told me he wasfalling in love with you!Thorne, a man who hasneveropened his heart for anyone. Never been in a relationship. Never taken anyone into his space because it was far toointimate.TherealThorne fucking Graves. But you wasted no time, right? Slipping into your father’s bullshit ideology, allowing him to wield you as his weapon, hisdestruction.”
“He didn’t love me.” My gaze flicked to his bed. “He left mehere, alone. What… what else was I supposed to do but fall to my father’sbullshit ideology?”
“You were supposed tobelievein him, and God, I swore I saw it in you. The capability to hold him in his truth and understandwhyhe is the way he is. But since you can’t seem to do so, let me spell it out for you.” His jaw feathered as he shook his head, every word that left him far more broken than the last. “We ridiculed him for leaving you behind, spoke so poorly to him that he elected to try and go on that mission alone. Heknew,Oren. He knew you’d never forgive him for what he’d done, but he acted out of the desire to keep you alive, the inability toloseyou. While I don’t agree with his actions, and thoroughly believe you should’ve been able to decide for yourself, what he did proves the type of man he is. He acts from a place of care before ever considering the logic behind his decisions, andthatwas the man I saw out there when that detonation went off, the man whosavedSimon’s life.For you!”
I swallowed, the box shaking as two pieces of my heart collided. One half—the soft, tender, loving half—I thought I snuffed. The other—disobedient, sassy, funny—I thought had been removed by others.
“I can’t… I don’t have the capacity to feel, Matthew. I don’t have the capacity for anything anymore, because I shouldn’t have tried to fight it.”
“Then don’t.” His throat bobbed with the two words, each syllable like a knife driving into my mutilated soul. “But just know that when you’re standing over us, leading the squad, that none of us will look at you the same. If you’re that willing to give away everything you had, everyone wholoved you,then you’re just as big a coward as your father.”
“Fine,” I said as I rammed my shoulder into his, giving me the leverage I needed to escape the room. I neededout. Needed out before I fucking lost it.
My footsteps to my new quarters weren’t fast enough. My new room was an upgrade worthy of his right hand—a force meant to squash anyone who opposed him.
The keys shook in my hands as I managed to shove them into the lock, turning it enough to slam it open. I kicked it closed with the heel of my boot, utter darkness enveloping me.
I didn’t use lights, not anymore. Lights would force me to look at myself or see the artwork scattered around the room. I’dtried. I’d tried to distract myself after my father’steachings, but there was only so much my brain could hold onto before I needed an outlet.
An outlet in the form of charcoal—a form of art I hadn’t picked up in years. There was one image that haunted me, one image Ihadto get out of my head and onto paper.
Lucas.
I pulled at my hair, the growing length not providing any form of comfort like it used to. Instead, it reminded me of my hands grabbinghisas I tortured him.
A clock ticked, and I jumped, the sound a gunshot in my head.
I fumbled through the dark room until I found the source. I tossed it, the sound of it shattering reminding me how much I’dshatteredmyself.
And then the box.
Hisgoddamn box slipped, cracking against the floor with a sickening thud like Lucas had, but that wasn’t the only thing.
It was Thorne.
His body beneath mine as I pummeled into him for the sake of my father’s watchful eyes. For the sake of making mefeelbetter, but it didn’t work.
“Fuck.Fuck.”
Hedidn’tlove me. He hated me.
Matthew… Matthew was lying, but that voice, that goddamn loud voice, echoed in my head.
