But if he was going to toss me back and forth constantly, I couldn’t do it. I needed stability. I needed someone to be there constantly forme. I deserved it, didn’t I?
“No, Oren.” Pulling me toward him, he placed a hand on the back of my head. “You don’t have to cry to get me to listen. I’m sorry. I just… Fuck. I don’t have an excuse. What I said was never coming from a place of not wanting you. I do want you. I wantus.”
I wrapped my arms around him, burying my head in his chest. “I hate you, you know? You say the perfect shit to make me forgive you.”
“I’m sorry… Please, if there’s one thing you believe. Let it be that…”
“Fine,” I said, muffled by his shirt. “I’m tired. Can we just go to bed?”
The alcohol was making me sleepy, and honestly, I’d grown tired of the conversation. I’d get more information from him in the morning, but right now? Right now, I just wanted him to hold me… to make me forget how fucked up we were together. How much, despite its challenges, I might actually love the fucker.
“As you wish,” he whispered against my head, kissing it once before he lowered himself. His arm swept my legs from beneath me as he pulled me into his chest, holding me as he walked toward his bedroom.
“You’re lucky I drank tonight, because this shit would’ve never happened,” I said as he carried me to the bed. “I prefer my feet on the ground.”
“Then I’ll take the luck I was granted.” Lowering me, my back met his comforter. “If it means I get to keep you, I’ll take whatever the fuck you’ll give me.”
I nestled my head against the crook of his neck, breathing in the familiar scent I’d grown to crave in the short time I’d known him. “Keep saying phrases like this, and I’ll give you anything.”
It’s funny. For how tall he was, I fit perfectly in his arms, another box to fill… but when was the last time I’d checked one off? Somehow, the system I’d created had been forgotten once I’d let myself feel—let myself experience what people said home felt like.
Could homebea person? I wasn’t sure, but I’d never felt more secure, safer, moreunderstoodthan with him.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
THORNE
Sunrises had always been my favorite. There was something so serene about the world continuing to sleep while you were awake, watching the sky transition through its orange, yellow, and pink hues. It was often my breath of fresh air in this fucked up world, but not today.
Oren wasn’t with me, and God, I felt empty.
Waiting for the others at the Black Hawk, I pulled a cigarette from the box I carried. My finger rolled across the lighter, a spark igniting as I lit the stick of sin I was about to indulge in.
The concept of sinful transgressions was a fickle thing, because I’d never believed in God. But I knew in the very marrow of my bones that leaving Oren nestled in my bed this morning was the worst atrocity of them all—an atrocity of betrayal his friends would undoubtedly scold me over.
I accepted that Oren would never forgive me. I mean, hell, why would he? I was a hypocrite disguised as a saint in his eyes, and when he found out I’d turned my back on him again, there was no going back.
Still, like the idiot I was, I did it knowing the consequences. And when he’d looked at me last night, on the brink of breaking, I hated myself more than I hated his father.
I didn’t do any of it from adesireto harm him. I wanted to keep him alive, for him to continue to shine his radiance down on everyone around him, even if it wasn’t me. He breathed the very concept of life into my lungs, awakening my soul from the death and despair I was lulled into.
I refused to let death have him.
Perhaps that made me a selfish idiot, but for him, I’d happily wear the title.
Taking a drag, I basked in the burn that swarmed my throat and chest, trying to draw my mind off the letter I’d left for Oren. He’d probably rip it apart, but I hoped he’d at least wait until his eyes swept across my words before shredding it, just like I knew I’d done to his heart.
Matthew clasped my shoulder, the sole person who knew. “You sure this is what you want?”
Simon and Liam were laughing, unaware of the decision I’d made as they trekked their way to us. Would they hate me as much as I hated myself?
Loosening my breath, the smoke drifted from my lips as I turned to face Matthew. “There’s no other option. Oren and Lucas will be shifted to another unit while we are gone. With Lucas our second newest recruit, I am keeping the two of them together so he doesn’t feel isolated. I wanted this mission to be close-knit, with those I felt were most equipped,” gesturing to the four of us, I shrugged, “so here we are.”
Matthew opened his mouth to respond, but Simon cut him off. “Where’s Oren? Don’t tell me he’s bedridden after all that flirting you two did last night.” His hands clasped the strap securing his bag across his back, his usual attire discarded for our full combat outfit.
“Oren won’t be joining us,” I responded coldly. “Load up. We depart in five.”
“Won’t be joining?” Liam questioned, his brow raising as he tossed a glance at Simon, whose arms were flexed, his once stoic features pinched.
