“I didn’t fucking hide it. Istoleit from your father’s office.For you.” Running a hand down his face, he shook his head. “I’ve written your dismissal letter. You’re a free man, Oren Valens. Now run before Andrew finds out the length I went to craft it.”
“Why?” I breathed, tears brimming. He’d stolen it from my father.Myfather had hidden this from me for years, and he’d given it back—given her back to me. “Why did you steal it? And why do you want me gone so badly?”
“Why’d I steal it? Because I’m an idiot and don’t give a fuck about my life or the consequences of my actions.” His eyes lifted, their vibrant gold drilling into me. “Why do I want you gone so badly? Because it’s the only way I can protectyou. Your father is sending my squad out on a mission in the next couple of weeks, and you will not be coming with. Hell, webothknow you don’t want to be here. You’re dismissed.”
“Like hell I’m not going!” I set the bag on his bed as I took a step forward. “Don’t put shit in my mouth I didn’t say. If my friends are going, I’m going too. I can’t… I don’t want to think of them there without me. I don’t want?—”
Cutting me off, his words practically took my breath away. “You. Are. Dismissed. Get the fuck out of my sight.”
“No.” I planted myself next to the bag. “Fuck no. I’m not doing this. I’m not accepting a dismissal letter when I’ve just found out what’s going on here.”
“I don’t give a fuck what you’ve found out. I don’t give a fuck whatyouwill or won’t accept. The letter is written, and you are no longer a member of the Vipers. So either pack up your shit and get out on your own, or I’ll toss you outside the gates myself.”
“Then fucking toss me because as far as I’m concerned, my ass is glued to this bed until youlistento me!”
The gap between us closed in an instant, his fist closing around my shirt as he ripped me toward him. “You’ve donenothingbut tell me how much you despise me, how much youloathebeing here. This is your fucking out, Oren. Take it.”
“I don’t want it anymore,” I said, holding his gaze. “I made a goddamn mistake, and ithurtyou. My father hurt you because of my fucking mouth. You think I wanted him to do this shit to you? That I enjoyed it?” I shoved his hand away.
“Yes!” he screamed. “Yes, I fucking do! Because the way you looked at me in that bathroom, the cries that fell from you, thedamageI caused... Why?—”
“Because what choice did you give me?” I interrupted. “All that shit I said?Liesbecause I am terrified. I’m terrified to feel, damn it. I’m scared of letting anyone in because they die!” I took a breath and ran my hands down my face. “Matthew told me everything, and you know what I did? Ipanicked. I panicked because my father was now alone in a room withyouwhile I had to wait, knowing he was doing whatever the fuck he wanted. I didn’t know, okay? Ifuckingdidn’t know how much you do for everyone. How much you’ve done forme,” I corrected.
“Fucking hell.” He stepped away from me, running his fingers through his hair as he spoke, but to himself. “He should’ve killed me. He should’ve broken my fucking neck when he had the chance.”
“God.” A weight lifted from my chest at being able to finally spew everything I’d kept inside. “If you want me to go, I’ll go, but I just thought you should know how fucking sorry I am and for all the shit I shared.” I didn’t want to leave, but I wantedhimto tell me to stay. “For what it’s worth, I didn’t mean that shit in the bathroom.”
A laugh, a fucking laugh left him, but it wasn’t filled with humor—it was consumed by heartache. “Fuck, do you not get it?”
“Getwhat? You constantly expect me to pick up on your cues, but you’re difficult to read, Thorne. One minute, you look at me as if I’m something fragile, something worth keeping, and then the next it’s like you don’t care.”
“Because I am a cancer, and you are the perfect host!” The words fractured as they left him. “I taint everything I touch, and I tried, God, Oren, Itried,” he ripped one of the bandages concealing his arm off, revealing the stitched wound beneath, “to carve my poison from your life. I can’t; I willnotcontinue to be the one who harms you in any way—and having you here? Where your father can reach you? Where he can use you against me? Ican’tbecause I cannot stomach, cannot bear the fucking thought oflosing you.”
“Thorne…” My fingers lifted, and when he didn’t pull away, they traced the stitched wound on his arm. “It doesn’t matter where I go because until he’s dead, he’ll never stop hurting me. I’ve grown up with his pain, his lashings, histemperament. You aren’t giving me enough credit, because nothing he’s done or will do will scare me away.”
His bottom lip quivered, tears filling his eyes as he lifted his chin. “Please,I need you to hate me, Oren. To loathe my existence and the very air I breathe, because then… Then he can’t, he won’t use you against me…” A single drop of sorrow rolled down his cheek. “When I saw you in those images, bloody, beaten… I stopped breathing. But when I saw that soullessness in your gaze, a gaze that captivated me the moment we met, every remaining piece of my already broken soul died. I’m not a strong man, Oren. I’m fucking weak, andheknows that, he knows how much you mean to me…”
“But what if I don’t? What if Idon’thate you? I… don’t know exactly what this is, but it isn’t hate. Not at all.” The corner of my mouth lifted. “He showed you what he did to me?”
At his confirmation, I blew out a breath. “I think you’re forgetting I’m excellent at faking my emotions. What you saw? A mask Iwantedhim to see, because do my eyes look soulless now? Do they seem void of the very thing youthinkyou removed?”
“He’ll leverage it… He’ll leverage the mask you wear, use you to inflict harm on those you love. He’ll test it, and that isn’t something you will survive.” His shoulders shook, a shuddering sob escaping him as he looked down at his arms. “This attempt? It wasn’t my first. And that pain, the psychological anguish he is capable of inflicting, isn’t something I want you to know…”
I threaded my fingers with his, giving his hand a soft squeeze. “You think I haven’t tried before? Almost succeeded as you did?” I bit my lip. “All I’ve ever known is psychological anguish, but if I’ve learned one thing in the short time I’ve been here, it’s that doing it alone isn’t feasible. Shouldering this shit is eating you alive, and I’m sorry if I played a role in it. I’m sorry if I’m the leverage he might use, but I’m not quitting. I’m not leaving until my dad loses.”
“Oren… Please. I-I can’t?—”
“Yes, you can. Keep the facade up and do what my dad says while tearing it down in secret.” I jerked my thumb to the door. “That’swhy Matt and I have been meeting to discuss ways to break his empire. I want to help.”
“Ican’t,” he whispered, the brokenness in his voice nearly enough to break me. “Keeping up with the facade means continuing to put my hands on you, to break you. And I can’t, Oren. I’ve done enough…”
“But youwon’t. No matter how much you put me through, I’ll be alright, because I know it’s not your choice. We have to keep the cogs in line to surprise him.”
“No.” He shook his head, looking at me. “I refuse.”
“You can’t refuse, Thorne, and you know it.” I lifted his hand to my lips, kissing each knuckle before tugging him closer. “Have you already forgotten how stubborn I am? Howdifficultit is to control me?”
“I’veseenit, Oren. I’ve seen you fractured by my words, broken by your father’s hand. That isn’t something I can do anymore.” His throat bobbed. “I don’t want to hurt you. I want to heal?—”
