“Fuck, Jesse,” he says into my shoulder as he sags back into me, voice edging on panic again. “Iknow. I know you meant it and I know you wouldn’t. I’m sorry, okay? I didn’t really think you would, I just freaked out and it was just like— Like I was back in Tuscon, you know?” He shakes his head, and I swear I can feel him curling in on himself like he wants to hide. “I’m sorry—”
“You don’t need to be sorry, Tris.” My words are a little choked, but really, I’m surprised I manage to get them out at all. “I’m not upset about that either. I just want you to know that you’re safe. You’re always safe with me.”
“Why are you always so perfect, sunshine? So good?” He breathes out another shaky laugh that makes me want to hold him closer than ever. “And I’m just so fucking stupid. You’re not him and I know it, I’m just all fucked up. I just need to get over all this shit already but—”
“You don’t need tojust get overanything,” I can’t help cutting him off. I can’t stand to hear whatever he’s about to say about himself next.
Trying to keep him as close as possible, I slip my hand up to cup the side of his face again as I tilt it toward mine, hoping he doesn’t notice the way both my touch and my voice shake. “You arenotstupid, and you arenotfucked up, Tris.
“Being hurt and having some shit to work through doesn’t make you fucked up.” Even as he tries to look away, I find his eyes, hoping to convey my sincerity in my look as fully as in my words. “Am I fucked up because of what I told you before? About how I’m still dealing with my feelings about my relationship with Stephen and about his death?”
He shakes his head, eyes wide and serious, and I can’t help dipping down to press a soft kiss to the corner of his mouth.His next breath comes out with a quiet, contented sound that warms my chest, making that place in my heart that he’s claimed expand a little further.
For several long seconds, I just let myself hold him, taking in the slowing rhythm of his breath and heart, feeling the tension in him ebbing away under my hands as I stroke up and down his back.
“You deserve to get to make mistakes, Tris,” I whisper, when I think I can trust my voice not to tremble. “To not have to be afraid someone’s going to blow up at you for anything, let alone something you did on accident. But that’s going to take time. It’s not something that will happen overnight.”
It’s on the tip of my tongue to tell him how desperatelyIwant to be the one to show him, and I only just manage to hold those words back. I can’t make him feel pushed or pressured or anything but safe.
There are things he needs to hear though.
“Remember this morning I said I had more I wanted to tell you?”
“Yeah.” He nods against my chest, and I hope I’m not imagining the smile I think I can hear in his voice.
“I need you to know how special you are, and how much I hated the things you said about yourself just now.”
I bury my face in his hair again, closing my eyes as his hand slips up under the back of my shirt, his thumbs tracing circles over the small of my back. “There’s nothing about you that’s fucked up or stupid. You’ve been through so much I can’t even imagine, and everything I learn about you just proves how strong and resilient you are. Of course it impacted you, Tris. You’re human. I just wish you’d see that none of it takes away from how incredible you are.
“You,” I trace my fingers along the line of his jaw as he tips his head back up to look at me, “are so beautiful,” I whisper, swallowing hard against the lump of nerves creeping up my throat as I steel myself for the naked honesty I need to offer him.
“Ever since I first saw you, I’ve felt like I just couldn’t look away, even when I knew you saw me staring at you. You dazzled me then, but when I look at you now, I don’t just see your face and your body. I seeyou, and what I see is even more amazing than how gorgeous you are.
“Everything around you is just brighter. Better. When you laugh, I can’t help laughing, and when you listen, I don’t feel boring, or like I’m being weird and awkward and should probably just shut up rather than keep going. And your music and your art— Tris, you’re brilliant, and I don’t think you know it.”
He breathes out in a long, shaky exhale. “No one’s—” He swallows hard, “No one’s ever said anything like that to me.”
“They should have.” Confidence is seeping back into my voice now as I take in the light that’s filling his expression as his eyes bounce between mine. “And as long as we’re together, I’ll tell it to you as many times as you’ll let me.”
37
Tristan
“Youseriouslyowe me,” I faux-glare at Reagan as she slips back behind the counter, tugging her apron on as she goes.
Fine, maybe it’s a halfway real glare. I love the girl, and nothing would make me take back the chance to help her out, it’s just that the case of blue balls I’ve got is making mesupercranky right now.
That shit with Jesse’s computer last night and the way it made me flash back to what had happened every damn time I’d fucked anything up when I was with Josh really took it out of me. Even with all the certifiably swoon-worthy things Jesse told me afterward and how the way he just held me made me full-on melt, I just hadn’t been up for anything besides snuggling up with him in bed after dinner.
So much for the hot AF night I’d spent the whole damn day looking forward to.
What’s crazy though is that I didn’t feel like I was pissing Jesse off or letting him down because of it.
Ihad, however, totally been counting on taking full advantage of having a solid couple hours with him this morning before heading into work to make up for lost time. Which is where the whole Reagan-seriously-owes-me bitcomes in.
Long, and I meanlooongbefore I’d hadanyplans to wake up, I’d gotten a call from Mitchel, asking me if I could do a double today to cover for the extra morning shift Reagan had planned to take on.
“She’ll be in to join you for her regular shift, but she said she was up all night with her sick kid and just can’t do the double today,” he’d told me. So of course, it wasn’t like I could say I wouldn’t. No way was I gonna be the dick who made it so a pregnant girl didn’t get a few hours of sleep.
