“Like every couple days, I’d just see him somewhere. At another club, the café where I worked, even out on the street walking past my apartment. And he wouldn’t stop asking to see me again until I said yes.”
Even with Jesse’s warm, thick body under mine and his hands working through my hair again, I’m getting that sick, itchy-clammy feeling Ialwaysget when I think about shit like this. Out of the corner of my eye, I can see all the little cluttery messes around the fringes of his apartment that are suddenly making me legitimately freak the fuck out with the urge to go clean them up.
That fucking towel that didn’t make it into the hamper—
My skin crawls, and I close my eyes, trying to remind myself to breathe.
And then, ‘cause he’s my sunshine and somehow it’s like he just alwaysknowsexactly what I need, he’s tugging me down, wrapping his arms around me and holding me to his warm, fuzzy-soft chest, with his big, gentle hands smoothing these slow circles over my back.
That creepy-crawly feeling on my skin vanishes when I bury my face against him, breathing him in. For a moment, there’s nothing but his sex-and-sweat-and-cinnamon-citrus-smell and the beat of his heart, and on my next breath, I’m able to keep going.
“He was all slick and polished and had his shit together. Likehe had a real job at an insurance company and owned his own condo and everything.”
My voice is totally muffled against Jesse’s chest, but it doesn’t matter because there’s no way I’m moving my face from where it’s smushed into him. Not a fucking chance.
“It wasn’t like that was what I cared about, only that he just seemed so…so opposite of the strung-out losers my mom had gone for. I let myself think that meant that maybe, since he seemed so different, he really wouldbedifferent too, even though I’d already sorta started to get a bad feeling about some of the shit he did. Like how he’d kept coming back when I’d told him I didn’t want to see him again and the look he’d get when I told him no about anything.
“For a while, things were good. Way better than anything I ever saw my mom have, anyway. After a few months, when he found out my lease was almost up, he asked me to move in with him. I didn’t want to, but he made me feel like a total asshole for turning him down when I should have been thanking him, so I told him I’d changed my mind.
“As soon as I moved in though, he started getting pissed off at me all the time. Blaming me if he had a bad day, getting jealous and questioning me if I went out with friends.
“Whatever happened, he always had a reason why it wasmyfault he was pissed. HowI’dfucked up and how that fucked things up forhim. How he couldn’t trust me ‘cause I was such a slut I didn’t even know how many guys I’d let fuck me before him. How lucky I was that I was pretty, ‘cause if I wasn’t, no one could ever want a stupid, fucking useless high school dropout like me.”
Jesse’s breath hitches under my cheek, and I wince, biting my tongue and silently cursing myself for lettingthatbombdrop like I just did.
Because that’s the first my brainy-AF, gonna-get-his-fucking-PhD sunshine’s heard of me not having graduated high school. And shit—that bit about not even knowing how many guys I’ve screwed around with—
“And yeah, turns out he was fucking right about how stupid I am, ‘cause I stayed with him for two fucking years, even when Iknewhe was messing with my head and making me feel like shit all the time.”
My breathing’s gone all choppy and the words squeezing out of my achy-tight throat sound like a fucking sob, because it doesn’t matter. I’d only wanted to make Jesse see how goddamn much it mattered that I trust him, that he makes me feel safe, and now I’ve gone and spewed out too much of this shit—shit Iknewbetter than to let him hear.
“Look at me.”
It’s the last thing I want to do, but there’s something about the deep command in Jesse’s voice that makes me snap my head up to look straight into his eyes without question. Like I couldn’t stop myself even if I tried.
And fuck— His eyes—
Instead of soft and sweet like always, right now those blue-greys of his are hard and cold, all icy sparks and sharp edges.
Because of me. ‘Cause he’s just realized how he’s been wasting his time.
“You arenotstupid, Tris.” He grabs hold of my shoulders and gives me a shake, gentle, not hard, but I flinch anyway, waiting for more. He only swallows thickly, dragging in deep, shuddering breaths as his chest heaves beneath me, and my brain struggles to catch up with the crazy, totally impossible possibility that maybe he’s not about to lose his shit on me forwhat I’ve just told him.
“You arenotuseless,” his hands dig into my shoulders, almost painful, but somehow now it suddenly only makes me feel safe. “And Jesus fucking Christ,no onehas the right to call you a slut. And nothing,nothing,” another shake, “that fucking bastard said or did to you was your fault. Not one single thing. Do you understand?”
I want to answer him. I really do, but that huge, warm feeling’s spreading out from my chest, right through every inch of me, and somehow, isn’t scary anymore but so fucking beautiful I can’t make a sound except a choked out little whimper.
It’s a sound that should probably embarrass the hell out of me, except I never get the chance to decide, ‘cause next thing I know, Jesse’s dragging me down to his lips and kissing me.
It’s a kiss I could live in. Unless it kills me, because why would I ever need air again when I’ve got my sunshine sucking my lower lip between his sweet, soft lips, licking his way into my mouth and running his hands all up and down over my skin, all the while letting out all those fucking edible little moans?
Far too soon for my liking though, he pushes me back, breathing all hard and quick and deep as he scans over my face. “Did he hurt you?”
That icy-spark of cold isn’t gone from his eyes, and for a moment, the way he snaps out the question has me freaking out. Starting to shake my head no, just so I can tell him what he wants to hear—
Jesse. This is Jesse. Safe—I’msafe. Don’t have to lie—
I squeeze my eyes shut. Hold my breath.
