Except I don’t want to give in.
I don’t want to give him fuckinganything.
Sweat breaks out across the back of my neck, clammy and sick and disgusting.
“Don’t you act like you don’t want me. We both know what a slut you are,” Josh’s lip curls back as his eyes drop to my neck where his fingers land, scraping over the hickey Jesse left last night. “And obviously some things never change.”
Suddenly, all that shit bouncing round in my brain shuts right off, and there’s nothing there except how bad I want his hand off of me.Offthe spot where I swear I can still feel the delicious tingling ache of Jesse’s mouth on my skin.
Before I even know what I’m doing, I’m slapping Josh’s hand away from my neck. “Don’t fucking touch me.”
Holy shit, that felt…fucking amazing.
My hand on the doorknob is shaking and so clammy that it’s hard to keep my grip as he takes a step closer. Close enough that I can see the tic going in his jaw as I tip my head back to keep my eyes on his face.
The pounding of my heart and the smell of his cologne are making it hard to breathe, and every inch of my skin’s crawling so bad that I feel like I’m gonna scream, only none of it’s enough to drown out the thrill of seeing that moment of surprise flash through his eyes when I hadn’t taken his shit just now.
“You don’t get to play hard to get with me, babe.”
There’s no mistaking the warning in his voice, and yeah, it makes my knees go all shaky, but there’s that thrill again. I’m not giving in and falling at his feet like he wants me to. Like he thought I would.
“What are you even doing here?” I should keep my damn mouth shut. All I’m doing is digging myself deeper into thehole I’m already buried in, and still, I can’t stop. Fuck, I don’t evenwantto stop. “Why would you come all this way just to fuck up my life? How could that possibly be worth it to you?”
I fucking hate how my voice shakes. Fucking hate how my heart feels like it’s about to beat right out of my chest. Under that though, there’s that totally crazy-ass part of me that’s full-on gleeful, ‘cause this is the first time I haven’t just rolled right over and let him win, and it feels so damn good that it might just be worth whatever happens next.
“Are you really so stupid that I have to spell it out for you?” He scoffs and shakes his head. Doesn’t even try to turn his sneer into a smile. “I love you, babe.”
His words slam into me, knocking the breath out of my chest and bursting the adrenaline-fueled high of fighting back.
Out of all the shit he’s ever said to me, out of all the names he’s thrown at me and for all the thousand times he’s told me what a stupid whore I am and rubbed my face in all the endless ways I’m not halfway good enough for anyone, let alone him, this is the fuckingworstthing he’s ever said. It hurts worse than any slap or bruise. Worse than being pinned beneath him with his weight crushing down on my throat until I thought he’d never let me breathe again.
It's been a lifetime since anyone said those words to me. All the way back to when I was a kid, before my mom ended up so fucked up that she hardly even remembered that I existed.
“Fuck you, Josh.”
Josh’s sneer turns into a full-on snarl, but I don’t give a shit. My throat and chest are burning, and my teeth feel like they’re about to fucking crumble, I’m gritting my jaw so damn hard.
“You don’t love anyone.” I’m so angry that I don’t even stop to think. Just step right up into his space because how fuckingdare he make the first time someone says those words to me be nothing but goddamn toxic bullshit? “Why the fuck do you think I’d believe you for a single fucking moment? Yeah, maybe Iamas stupid as you’ve always said I am, except even I’m not too stupid to know what love is, and not a damn thing you’ve ever shown me comes close.
“Love’s when someone looks at you, and you justknow, all the fucking way down to your fucking toes, that theyseeyou. Like actuallyseethe real you, and they want you exactly how you are. It’s showing someone that they’resafewith you. That they don’t have to always hold all their shit together, because to you, they’re beautiful even when they fall to pieces. And that it’s okay if they do, because you’ll be there to help put them back together, not rip them apart even worse than before.
“Love is— It’s—”
My throat’s all tight and chokey and my eyes are so full of tears, it’s hard to see how Josh’s face’s gone rigid and so fucking furious I know he’s gonna snap and lose his shit on me any moment. I don’t give a fuck though, because suddenly Iknow, and I don’t see how I didn’t realize it before.
“It’s bringing someone lunch every day at their work, not only so they aren’t hungry, ‘cause you both know that they could have just taken it with them in the first place, but because you don’t want to go through the day without seeing their face. It’s caring about what they love and making them a part of what you love. Ofwhoyou love. It’s—”
My head snaps back and I realize before I even feel the pain of Josh’s palm connecting with my cheek that the doorknob’s not in my hand anymore.
“Shut the fuck up.” Josh’s breath is hot in my face as he shoves me back into my apartment, and it’s so fucking stupid,but for a moment the only goddamn thing I can think is how bad it’s making my skin crawl that he’s in his shoes, tracking fuck knows what across the floor.
Then his hand closes so tight round my wrist that I know from experience that it’s gonna leave a mark. I don’t give a fuck about that though because with the other hand, he slams the door shut behind us. Locks it.
Fuck—
Trying to wrench away from him only makes him squeeze tighter, and the twist of my skin under his grip burns like hell.
“Let go of me.”
