I shifted in my seat, trying not to make the chair creak under my weight as I tightened my grip on my empty mug, waiting for one of them to notice I needed a refill.
Knox moved around the kitchen like he'd memorized exactly where Newt would be at any moment. They had a rhythm to them, like one of those dances where the partners know each other so well they don't need to talk about the next step. Newt scrambled eggs at the stove while Knox sliced bread for toast, their bodies never quite touching but always aware of each other, like two planets caught in the same orbit.
"Coffee's ready," Newt announced, his voice light and happy in a way it never used to be before Knox. He reached for my mug without me having to ask, refilling it with a smile that seemed easy now. When he first started coming around, he'd been skittish as a wild rabbit, jumping whenever anyone moved too quick. Now he looked like he belonged here.
"Thanks," I said, my voice coming out rougher than I meant it to. I took a sip, letting the hot, bitter taste ground me in the moment instead of the thoughts spinning in my head.
Knox reached past Newt to grab plates from the cabinet, letting his hand rest on Newt's waist for just a moment longer than necessary. When Newt turned to hand him the spatula, Knox leaned down and pressed a quick kiss against his cheek.
"Save it for after breakfast, you two," Ma said as she bustled into the kitchen, but there wasn't any real disapproval in her tone. Her eyes were crinkled up at the corners, her smile real and warm as sunshine. She even reached out and patted Newt's shoulder as she passed, a gesture of acceptance that made the knot in my stomach twist tighter.
It was the same Ma who'd looked at me with such disappointment when I'd mentioned Deputy Dan's name one too many times at dinner last week. The same Ma who'd pulled me aside afterward, her voice low and worried: "Harlow, honey, I've noticed the way you talk about that deputy. I'm concerned you're getting confused about your feelings."
I hadn't been confused at all. That was the problem.
Knox set a plate of toast on the table, then slid into the chair beside Newt. Their shoulders touched, comfortable-like, as if their bodies just naturally wanted to be close. Pa came in from the barn, hanging his hat on the peg by the door and washing his hands at the sink before joining us.
"Morning," he grunted, helping himself to coffee. His eyes softened a bit when they landed on Knox and Newt. "You boys got those fence posts fixed yesterday?"
"Yes, sir," Knox answered, passing the butter dish to Newt without being asked. "Should hold through the next big rain."
I watched Ma beam at them as Newt passed Knox the salt before he even reached for it. She'd fought against their relationship at first—I remembered the hushed arguments, the slammed doors, the Sundays when Knox refused to come to church. But something had changed. Maybe it was seeing how Knox smiled more now, or how steady his hands had become since Newt moved in. Maybe it was just time wearing down her objections like water over stone.
Whatever the reason, she'd accepted them. Welcomed Newt into our home like he was already family. Started asking when they might make things official.
But when I mentioned feeling something for Deputy Dan, her face had gone tight and closed, like a door slamming shut.
"It's not the same thing," she'd said when I'd tried to talk to her about it. "You're different, Harlow. Special. You don't understand what those feelings really mean."
My hands clenched into fists under the table as the memory washed over me. I knew I was different. Had known it since I was little and couldn't keep up with the other kids in school. Since words got jumbled in my head sometimes and thoughts came out all wrong. But my heart? That felt the same as anyone's. It beat faster when Deputy Dan smiled at me. It ached when he wasn't around. It practically sang when he'd looked at me from through the window as he was leaving our farm.
"Harlow, you want eggs?" Newt asked, pulling me back to the present. His eyes were kind, noticing things other people missed. That was why Knox loved him, I figured. He saw past what was obvious to what mattered.
"Yes, please," I managed, unclenching one hand to accept the plate he offered.
I watched as Knox's fingers brushed Newt's again, lingering this time. The ease between them was like a physical thing in the room, something you could almost reach out and touch.
"Why is it different for me?" The words burst out of me before I could stop them, louder than I meant them to be. Everyone at the table froze.
Ma blinked at me, her fork halfway to her mouth. "What's that, honey?"
I swallowed hard, feeling heat creep up my neck, but I couldn't back down now. "Why is it okay for Knox and Newt, but not for me to have... to feel... when it comes to Deputy Dan?"
The silence that followed felt as thick as molasses. Pa suddenly became very interested in his coffee. Knox and Newt exchanged a look I couldn't quite read, but Knox's jaw tightened the way it did when he was getting ready for a fight.
Ma set down her fork carefully, smoothing her napkin over her lap. "Harlow, we've talked about this. It's different for you."
"But why?" I pressed, my voice going scratchy around the edges. My chest felt too tight, like something was squeezing all the air out of me. "My heart works the same as Knox's, doesn't it?"
"It's not about your heart, honey." Ma's voice had that special gentleness she used when she thought I wasn't understanding something. It made me feel about five years old. "It's about what's best for you. You need someone who can take care of you, not... complicate your life."
My hands were clenched so tight under the table that my fingernails dug into my palms. I kept my face as still as I could, the way I did when I didn't want to spook a nervous animal, but inside I felt like I was breaking apart.
"I take care of things all the time," I said quietly. "Animals. Plants. I found Deputy Dan when nobody else could. I carried him home."
"That's different," Ma said again, like it explained everything.
I looked across at Knox and Newt, sitting so close their arms touched. At how nobody questioned whether Knox could understand his own feelings or make his own choices. The unfairness of it burned in my chest like I'd swallowed hot coals.
