“Are you okay?” My voice is soft, a deliberate decision on my part as I continue holding onto her. With us like this, I can pretend for a moment that this façade is true. I know that my question will break whatever spell she’s under, but I have to ask. I’ve been worried about her after I left yesterday, and now this…
She shrugs and slips out of my hold, taking several steps back and wrapping her arms around her torso as though she’s trying to comfort herself. She looks so small, and I hate that I might be part of the reason. Holly wouldn’t have wanted to seem weakin front of her ex, so of course she would go along with my little act. If only she knew I wasn’t acting. Now, though, as I watch her trying to piece herself back together, I can’t help but worry that I’ve only added to the damage.
“Thanks for stepping in there.” She flashes me a tentative, awkward smile that makes my chest tight. “You didn’t have to.”
All of the strength I just saw in her as she stood up to her ex seems to have melted away. Am I the cause of that? I fucking hate this.
“Holly–”
She makes a strange noise in the back of her throat, holding her hand up and gesturing for me to stop. “It’s okay. I know you only said that stuff to get him off my back.” She waves her hand awkwardly between us and won’t look me in the eye. “I don’t hold you to anything after the kiss–”
“Okay, stop.” I shake my head with exasperation, unable to hear anything else she’s about to say. That’s what this is about, and why she won’t look at me? She thinks that when I left yesterday, I did it because I regretted our kiss? The strong urge to laugh at the irony of it builds up, but I don’t let myself release it. That would not help the situation right now. My only regret about our kiss is that it didn’t last longer, and the way I ended it.
Before I allowed myself to go any further with Holly, I knew I had to speak to my brothers first. The kiss had awakened my true feelings for her and I wanted to go much, much further. That did mean that I had to be honest with Clay and Bear first, though. I haven’t exactly been very supportive of their relationship, and now I have to convince them to allow me to date Holly too. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to share her bed like the two of them do, but I know now that I need Holly in my life.
A car passes in the distance and I’m reminded where we are now. Sighing, I gesture back towards the buildings. “This is not the place for this conversation. Let’s go somewhere else.”
She nods in agreement, a sadness in her eyes that makes me want to rip out trees and pummel rocks into dust. Slowly, we walk back to her apartment in silence, the atmosphere heavy with unsaid words. I’m aware of people watching us from inside the bakery but I pay them no heed, my focus on the girl beside me. We reach the site of the building and I follow Holly up the stairs towards her apartment, staying quiet as she lets me in. Stepping inside, I’m immediately greeted by her cosy living room, the space decorated in such a way that it’s like being surrounded by her. I wish I had been here before, and now I am here I never want to leave. I feel her watching me as I slowly walk around the room, her tension rubbing off on me, and I know I can’t hold this off any longer.
“I need to apologise.” I turn to face her fully. She is standing there biting her lip, arms wrapped around her middle, trying to hold herself together like she fears I might be the wrecking ball that breaks her.
“It’s okay,” she jumps in, her voice high and tight. “The kiss was a mistake–”
I cut her off by holding up my hand, not allowing her to finish. “No, the kiss was not a mistake,” I tell her firmly, waiting for her to meet my gaze. When she does, it’s with hesitation, but I see a hint of hope shining back at me. What I say to her now will be make or break, and she has to know how I feel about her.
“I need to apologise for the way I left things yesterday. I was so confused by my own reactions that I didn’t stop to consider how it might feel for you when I just disappeared. It was a long drive to where Clay and Bear are, so I had ample time to think about what happened and what I should have said to you then.”
Emotions surge up inside me, all fighting to be seen, making my chest tight and putting me on edge. Instead of letting myself push them away as I usually would, I allow myself to feel them. Previously, any emotion that felt unhelpful would be dismissed; it was the only way to survive my early life. However, I realise now that this might have been stopping me from entering into meaningful relationships and now if I don't learn to accept them, I might lose Holly. That's something I don't think I could survive.
Taking a deep breath, I pray that I can find the right words to express myself. “I’ve had feelings building for you since the day we met. I’m not good with emotions, as my past has taught me only bad things can come from them. Clay and Bear are the only ones who are safe to me, the only ones who I can freely feel those emotions around without judgement. The types of feelings I get for you scare me.” I laugh but there’s no real humour in it, all aimed towards myself. “You fucking terrify me.”
“This is hardly easy for me either,” she replies, but the corner of her lip twitches upwards as she speaks, taking any sting out of the words. “As you saw, my love life hasn’t always been simple.”
She can say that again. Even if you were to ignore the crazy ex, she is currently dating two guys, after all. My thoughts return to Jake and my face shifts into a scowl. How someone as kind as Holly ever ended up with a self-centred jerk like that will never make sense to me.
“What did you ever see that guy?”
At the mention of her ex, her nose crinkles adorably as though she has encountered a bad smell. “It wasn’t always like that.” She reaches up and pushes some of her golden curls behind her ear, a nervous tick of hers that I’ve noticed. “We grew up together and were always close, so when we got into a relationship it was only natural as we had never been apart. Things changed so slowly that I didn’t notice how different wehad both become.” She smiles, and her eyes are full of sadness. “Ashley was the only one who saw him for who he was – she hated him. To be fair, he barely tolerated her. The whole town knew us as a couple and just accepted that it would always be that way. Not much changes in Hinton Grove. When he left, that’s when I fell apart…”
She trails off and her eyes go distant for a moment, the echo of her pain clear for me to hear in her voice. Fury courses through me that anyone could ever make her feel that way, like she had ‘fallen apart’. Even when she says this, there’s guilt behind it, as though she was too weak to hold herself together. Bullshit. That asshole had been part of her life for as long as she could remember, they grew up together, and then he left behind. That would destroy anyone.
“You did what you had to in order to survive, and that is nothing to be ashamed of.” I grip onto the back of the couch, squeezing until it groans beneath my hands in an effort to stop myself from doing anything more violent out of frustration. “He was a complete fucking moron to leave you behind.” There are several other words that I would use to describe him, but I keep them to myself. “I do have a question for you, though. Why didn’t you go with him when he left?”
“He didn’t ask me.” There’s a ghost of a smile on her lips as she shrugs off the question, something I’m pretty sure is a reflex, as I can see her shutting down. “When he left, it was for a better life, and for him that life didn’t include me anymore. I guess he thought I wasn’t driven because I wanted to stay in Hinton Grove, and he knew that he could find prettier, slimmer girls in the big city.”
“Let me stop you right there.” My voice is sharp and I step forward, closing the gap between us. “You are one of the most beautiful women I have ever met. You run your own business – how is that not being driven? The fact he even had the nerveto say those things to you and then come crawling back like you would welcome him with open arms.” I shake my head, so disgusted that I can’t speak. I shouldn’t have just let him walk away. He deserves to be taught a lesson, and my fists are burning to feel the sting of a punch.No. Easy, Elliot, take a deep breath, I tell myself, looking down at the girl before me who reminds me of a better way forward. It’s not what Holly would want.
All of a sudden, it’s like I realise how close we are, my body reacting. There’s only a breath of air between us, and the atmosphere suddenly changes, as she feels it too. Oh, it’s still tense between us, but for a totally different reason, the air hot and heavy. She shifts her weight from foot to foot, looking anxious and full of pent-up emotion, and my eyes track her every move.
I want to touch, to taste her again, but I won’t do it until she’s absolutely sure she wants me. None of this is going to be easy for her, juggling three guys, so this has to be her decision. I’m not even sure whatthisis, but I know I’m not willing to lose it.
“What are we doing?” she whispers, and I can see the desire in her eyes, yet she’s holding herself back.
She looks so unsure and my body is screaming at me to do something to comfort her. I can’t stop myself even if I wanted to, and I reach out to gently brush her cheek with the back of my knuckles, her soft skin making mine tingle where we touch. There’s a lump in the back of my throat, and it takes several attempts of clearing it before I can speak. “I don’t want to hide my feelings for you any longer.”
“What about Clay and Bear?” She leans in towards me, and I can see she’s trying to resist, to hold herself back until she knows that this is not going to hurt anyone. However, her body seems to be betraying her true desire.
This is important, and it’s vital we have this conversation, but I never expected to be doing it while sporting a hard-on. Ineed to focus on this before we go any further. That is not easy, though, when her touch feels so good against my chest, and my skin tingles despite my shirt acting as a barrier around us. No matter how hard I try to resist, I will always feel this pull towards her, and I was crazy to think I could ignore it. Honestly, though, I am glad that she’s asking as I wouldn’t want to be with someone who could easily betray my brothers like that.
