Scanning him from head to toe, I settle my focus on his face, searching for answers. Before I can move forward, I need to know the truth. “How do you feel about her?”
Huffing a laugh that carries no humour, his façade drops, running his hands through his hair in a way that conveys his frustration and pain all in one movement. “It wasn’t until she stepped away that I realised truly how much she meant to me.” Eyes meeting mine, he silently begs me to understand. “Imagine going your whole life without seeing the stars. You know they’re up there as you’ve watched other people discover them, and then one day, you see them. The constellations shining so brightly above you that it opens a whole new universe that you never even dreamed of. Then, it’s all gone. Now, the sky is dark and I can’t see the stars any longer. I can still function, knowing they’re there, but without them in my life, there is no beauty.”
The words rush from him like a dam has been broken, as though they’ve been pent up inside him and he’s finally admitting them aloud. Shrugging, he attempts to brush off the emotion in his voice but there’s no hiding the pain in his eyes.
“Look, I know it sounds stupid, but when we are together, I feel whole, as though a part of me was missing and I never knew until I met her.” He’s trying to justify himself, yet at the same time I can hear it in the way he’s almost brushing off what he’s just said as though it was nothing. He’s protecting himself, likehe’s about to do something painful. Something like not fight for the girl he loves.
“Bear…” Words fail me. What the fuck do I say to that?
His returning smile is the saddest fucking thing I’ve ever seen, especially as I know he’s doing it for my benefit. “You said she’s your oxygen, Clay. I can’t come in the way of that.”
Floored, I stare back at him, my guilt probably written all across my face. I had no idea he felt so strongly for her. Why had it never occurred to me that he might feel the same way about her that I do? Now he’s going to give that up, for me. He would never hold it against me, but the knowledge that I came between him and his happiness would always hang over us. Not to mention the awkwardness and pain it would bring to Holly if she did agree to see me. I couldn’t live with myself. There has to be a better way than this. Slowly, an idea forms in my mind, a way we can move forward. There is something very important that I need to ask him first though.
“Do you love her?”
He meets my eyes and I see the answer staring back at me before he even opens his mouth. “Yes.”
Pushing away from the cabinet, I nod firmly, more to myself than in acknowledgement of his answer. Stalking over to my desk to give myself a chance to think, I turn to face Bear and lean back against the wood. Bear is watching me with confusion, on edge as though he’s not sure if I’m going to smack him for saying he loves Holly. Clucking my tongue in frustration, I shake my head. “What sort of fucking monster would I be if I denied your happiness?”
Realising I’m not angry, Bear stands upright, losing the hesitation in his stance, a hint of the confident guy that I’m proud to call brother.
“Then what do we do?” he asks, gesturing between us with raised brows. “Neither of us can go on like this.”
He’s right. We have to reclaim our lives, and the only way to do that is to reclaim Holly – if she will have us. Releasing a reluctant sigh, I cross my arms over my chest, determined to get this right. “We need to get our girl back.”
If Bear’s brow could get any higher it would be through the fucking roof. He may be incredulous, but interest dances across his eyes. “Our girl?”
Fishing my phone from my back pocket, I fire off a quick message to Roxanne, telling her I’m taking the rest of the day off, letting Bear stew a little in the process. What I’m about to suggest is not something that comes easy to me, so my pause is more for me to gather myself and make sure I’m fully on board before committing. At the end of the day, I love my brother, and I love Holly – and something has to be done.
Mobile back in pocket, I meet Bear’s pointed gaze.
“I don’t fucking like it,” I begin, my reluctance loud and clear in my pointed words, “but how do you feel about sharing?”
TWENTY-SIX
HOLLY
The setting sun fills the darkened bakery with a warm orange light as I turn the sign hanging on the glass door to ‘closed’. Two of my long-time employees, Hayleigh and Sue, wave goodbye to me through the window, heading home for the evening. Automatically I smile and raise a hand in return, but it’s strained, the weight of the last week weighing heavily on me. On top of that, it’s been a busy day in the bakery and I’m looking forward to collapsing on my sofa and not moving for several hours.
Sighing, I turn away and follow the warm glow of the kitchen lights at the back of the store. I’ve always loved the bakery after dark when it’s all closed up and it’s just me. During the day it’s too busy for me to sit on my laurels and take everything in, but like this, I can fully appreciate what I’ve created. Fond memories fill my mind of time when my parents were still alive and I grew up running between the baking tables. They were the ones who taught me to bake, and it always shocks me to see how much the bakery has changed since they passed and the shop became mine.
Sure, technically Ivy is a part of it too, but I’m the one who pours love and hours of my time into it. For my sister, the bakeryis an obligation, something she can sell off to the highest bidder now it no longer suits her.
However, looking around the deserted space now, instead of fond memories, I just feel a sense of exhaustion. The last week has been tough, with both trying to sort the sale of Ivy’s share, and my aching heart. I’ve thrown myself into the business, trying to avoid any thought of Bear and Clay. This has turned out to be almost impossible with them working next door.
The familiar ache in my chest deepens into a stabbing pain that threatens to topple me completely. I need to stop thinking about them before that pain overtakes me. This last week I’ve been walking around in a daze, wrapping myself in a protective shield of neutrality: present, but numb. Any emotion is overwhelming and I’m terrified that if I allow myself to feel, I will shatter and never be the same again. It was pure stupidity to think that anything good would come out of dating two men as close as brothers; someone was always going to get hurt.
People have noticed my distance, especially my staff. However, other than the odd concerned glance and tentative question here and there, I’ve been left alone. All except Ashley. In true form, she offered to murder them for me, and I think she was only half joking. She doesn’t understand the depth of connection I have to both guys, but it doesn’t matter. Her best friend is hurt, and she’s there to pick up the pieces.
The corner of my mouth twitches up into the ghost of a half-smile. I don’t think I would have gotten through this week without her. A soft tinkling bell rings, alerting me to the fact someone has just entered the bakery and pulling my thoughts from Ashley.
“Sorry, we’re closed–” I’m already speaking before I move, turning to face my would-be customer. Only, it’s not a customer, but the reasons for my heartache.
“Oh–” Choked, all words come to an end, reasonable though flying from my mind. I probably sound breathy and weak, and that’s exactly how I feel in this moment.
My eyes greedily take them in, as though this is the last time I’m going to see them up close like this. They’re both as handsome as ever, but there’s something different about them. Clay looks pale, stubble across his jaw and his usual frown deeper set than usual. However, it’s Bear that takes me aback. Physically, he appears fine, but that isn’t what catches my attention. He looks like a man drowning, desperately searching for a safe harbour, and he’s found that in me. I am his lifeboat.
I’m barely keeping myself afloat at the moment, and knowing that he’s suffering only makes that harder. After all, the issue from before is still there. I am the one who ended our relationships, if you can even call them that. I’m the one who is causing their pain. Me. I want to run to them and collapse in their arms, while simultaneously wanting to disappear and not have to deal with this moment. How can I feel such opposing emotions and still feel like I’m dying inside?
