“I'm sorry.” He shook his head. “I know you're hurt, and I'm trying to be sensitive, but this is getting ridiculous.” He leaned forward again, looming even though he was seated. “You are not dirty or unworthy, Eliel. What Bara did to you was horrendous, but it is not your fault. That evil belongs to him. His actions have hurt you, but they have not altered you. Do not take on his monstrosity.”
“If you knew what I did, you wouldn't say that.”
The King's hands shook, and his jaw clenched. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly.
My throat tightened in fear. Bara had often looked like that before he hit me. “I'm sorry, Your Majesty.”
The skin around his eyes twitched. “For what, Eliel?”
“For angering you.”
“Great Goddess, help me,” King Raventar whispered.
My eyes went wide.
“Eliel, you haven't angered me. I'm furious with Bara. With what he did to you. I'm not angry with you.” He bent his head, took another breath, and then lifted his head to meet my gaze. “Let me ask you this: if you had willingly done those things with a lover, would you still think you were dirty and unworthy of love?”
My mind spun. Wait. What? “I don't know.”
“Were the acts themselves wrong, Eliel? It's not a difficult question.”
I thought back. My hands began to tremble. I saw Bara again. Above me. Felt his hands on me. With a cry, I covered my face.
“Shhh, now. I'm sorry.” The King brushed a hand lightly over my hair. “Damn it all, I wish I could hold you.”
I jerked back.
“Fuck,” he whispered. “Eliel, please. I know it's hard to remember, so don't. Don't think about him. Just consider that the acts he made you perform were not dirty. What made them terrible was his forcing you. So, whose soul is tainted? Yours or his?”
Taking a shivering breath, I said, “His.”
“Yes! Yes, his soul alone is dirty. I know it will take time for you to accept it, but the sex wasn't wrong. It was him. Bara was the evil one. He raped you. He made something pure and beautiful into something terrifying and disgusting. But that doesn't mean it will never be beautiful again. You will find pleasure in sex once more. You'll find it with someone who lovesyou and whom you love. That will wash away the horror Bara forced on you. At least, that's what I hope for you, Eliel.”
“You . . . you don't think I'm disgusting?”
“No, of course not. You're the most beautiful person I've ever met—both outside and in. You're gentle and compassionate. It makes Bara's deeds even more reprehensible. To take someone as lovely as you and hurt them as he hurt you is unforgivable. If you hadn't killed him, I would have taken great pleasure in torturing him to death for you.”
“But you looked at me as if I were ugly,” I whispered.
“The ugliness I saw wasn't in you, but in myself.” His hands clenched into fists.
“I don't understand.”
“I want you. I want you so badly that I was tempted to accept your offer, even knowing you only made it out of obligation. And that makes me feel ugly.”
“But why?” My heart was racing. He wanted me! Why wasn't I scared? Perhaps the fear of never having him had banished my fear of having sex with him.
“Because when I make love to you, I want it to be about love, not lust.” His brilliant turquoise stare brightened. “You don't even trust me yet. If I took you now, it would make me feel like a rapist.”
“No, you could never be that, especially not with me. I want you too.”
The Dragon King's breath caught. “You do?”
“Yes, of course. You're incredible. I . . . I just have to . . .”
“I know.” His lips twitched into a brief smile, as if he weren't quite daring to hope. “You need time. That's what I mean. You made that offer out of obligation because you thought that's all I wanted from you, and maybe you think it's all you have to give me. It's not, Eliel.”
“I didn't offer myself out of obligation.”
