“I'm done with standing alone against my husbands.” I frowned, annoyed that I didn't feel angrier about it. But I didn't need to feel my anger to know that this was right. It was long overdue. “Show me loyalty, be true to me first, or we're going to need some serious therapy before I touch you again.”
“Great Goddess, Seren! You don't get to throw out ultimatums at me. I'm your husband. I have proven my loyalty to you over and over.” He got out of bed. “I have been the most understanding and patient of your husbands, but after the clarity I received from the blight, I'm rethinking my stance.”
“That is my point. You only supported me when you were clear-headed.”
“I'm still clear-headed, Seren! I just feel more!”
“All right. And your feelings say that you should stop being patient and understanding with your wife?”
“Don't twist what I say.” He pointed at me. “I don't have to explain myself. You know all of this. As you also know we have not banded together against you. We all feel the same way and want the same things from you. That is not banding together against you. That is having feelings and expressing them. I'm trying to remember that you're not yourself right now, but it's hard when you verbally attack me. My loyalty is not the one in question.”
“Oh, fuck,” Star muttered.
But I didn't take offense to that. I saw it as the truth it was. “Yes, I have pushed the boundaries of loyalty with my relationship with Star. And I've blamed the Gods for it. Maybeit's not their fault. Maybe I am an inconstant woman. It certainly feels that way. When I'm with you, I'm utterly enthralled by you. No one else matters. All I want is to have a life with you alone. But then I go to Raza, and it's the same. Killian, Dax, and Sever—I'm so in love with each of you that being with anyone else seems impossible. But then I meet someone else, and I'm fascinated by them. When I'm with Star, it feels as if we have something unique. We are fated and connected in a way that I don't have with any of you. Then I go into your arms and never want to leave. That sounds fickle to me. Or simply insane.”
Tiernan's expression fell.
“Oh, fuck,” Star repeated with more heat.
“Is this a reverse psychology trick?” Tiernan hissed. “Are you trying to get me to defend you?”
“No.” I stood up. “I'm trying to figure myself out. I know this is the perfect opportunity for me to see myself clearly. So, let's take a look at Seren, shall we?”
“Seren, don't do this,” Star said. “Tiernan's right. You're not yourself.”
“Yes, I know, Star. That's the point I just made. What better time to analyze myself than when I'm not myself? I can finally be unbiased. Now, please, be quiet while I unpack my mental luggage.” I set the phone down on the bed and stood up to pace to the window.
My ward was still up, so when I opened the curtains, I couldn't be sure if it was sunny or just Anu's Light. A black stove sat in one corner of the room instead of a fireplace, its feet set on a slab of stone and a thick pipe running from it up to the ceiling.I stared at the fire burning within it, safe behind a glass panel, and delved deep into myself.
“Seren? Tiernan came over to me.
I looked up at him. “Fairies don't have a problem with polyamory. You have often said that to me.”
“Yes,” he said hesitantly.
“I fought it because of how I was raised. I felt guilty.” With a tone of epiphany, I went on, “I havealwaysfelt guilty for loving more than one man. Even as I made marriage vows to you, I felt guilty. I couldn't speak the same words that you did. I couldn't offer you the same fidelity. That has eaten at my soul, Tiernan. I felt guilty for your commitment to me, when mine is divided. And then I was taken to Heaven, and it was like I had a new start. A clean slate. I was so relieved, and I couldn't understand why. I had no memory of my past, but I felt wonderful. It was the lack of guilt. Being with Severriel was easy. Pure. Then all of you came for me, and I had to remember who I was.”
Tiernan gaped at me. “Are you saying you wish we'd never gone to Heaven to rescue you?”
“No. I'm saying that my time there should have been a clue. I should have looked deeper into my emotions. But I was so overwhelmed with guilt again. I had too much love in my life. Beautiful children, adoring husbands, and magical homes. I didn't deserve any of it. It's why I've worked so hard, helping all the races. Going back to Earth to work for Anu when he called. Subconsciously, I thought if I could just prove that I was worthy of all of you—all of this—I would be happy. The guilt would go away.”
“Seren, no,” Tiernan whispered.
“Uh . . . I'm going to end the scry now,” Star said.
“I'll see you soon, Star.” I went back to the bed and swished a finger over the crystal. Closing the case, I looked up at Tiernan. “I don't feel like that now. The burden of unworthiness and guilt is gone. I'm starting to think that it's worth not feeling love as intensely. Maybe I should give the Garden what it wants.”
“Stop that!” Tiernan grabbed me by my upper arms and shook me.
“Relax. I wasn't serious.” With a palm to his chest, I pushed Tiernan away. “I know I can't give my guilt to the Garden. That's a coward's way out. I'll feel it again, but now I know better. Now, I know that I don't deserve it, so maybe I can let it go.”
“What are you saying, Seren?”
“Something must change, Tiernan. I can't do this anymore.”
As the last words left my mouth, a boom came. It shook the ground and buildings. Glass rattled. Dust drifted from the rafters.
“What the fuck was that?” Tiernan looked toward the window.
