I went still. He had used his endearment for me. That had to mean he was softening. “Raza, you said the mind is the most real part of me, but Tiernan said it's only a portion of me. The real me is mind and heart.”
“And soul,” he added. “Yes, I was angry. I spoke to hurt you. I know how deceiving dreams can be. I am a Djinn after all. I am a master of illusion and trickery. Which is how I know that dreams and their deceptions can bleed into your waking life.”
“Raza, I do love him. There's no deception in that. The piece of his soul inside me . . . it draws me to him. It makes it easier for me to be deceived in other ways. So maybe I'm wrong, but I feel like fate is involved with us—a fate that Danu circumvented when I arrived here.”
Raza went still. “What are you saying, Seren?”
“I'm saying that Astaroth and I could have been—no, weweremeant to rule Hell. I think both of the Gods had plans for me. Danu had four husbands in mind—four men who would help me unite her world. And Anu had his own plans. I think they began with Killian.”
“Killian, Severriel, and Astaroth,” Raza murmured.
“Yes, Anu's three worlds. Anu charged Killian with guarding me even while Danu drew us together. Where Danu saw Killian as a bridge, Anu saw him as a king. Three kings for his three worlds. United by the World Strider. It's a mirror image of what his sister wanted. But Danu got to me first. When I married Killian, I think Anu saw it as an opportunity to complete his plan even though his sister had won the first round. I think that's why Danu added Daxon. It was to tip the scales in her favor.”
“This isn't a game.”
“It is to them, Raza. That's not to say it's trivial. Just that they move us like putting pieces down on aboard. Blocking each other. Making power plays. Anu made his play, but he was thwarted by Danu's pieces. By you.”
“Because we said no to Astaroth.”
“Yes, and I love you so very much, Dragon, that I will deny another love for you. But you also scare me.”
“What?!” Raza leaned forward. “Seren, don't you ever fear—”
“I'm afraid of losing you, Raza. You and the others. Every time something happens with Astaroth, it scares the hell out ofme. Pun intended. I don't want to set foot on Hell because of the four of you.”
“Five. You forgot Severriel.”
“No, I haven't. Sever is Anu's child, despite what he or Danu says. He would accept Astaroth eventually. But the rest of you will not. And so, Anu made a grave mistake. I was supposed to help Hell. Now, I won't. The World-Strider refuses to stride.”
“Because of me?”
“Foryou. Raza, for you, I will stand still while Hell crumbles. I'm sorry I didn't tell you about the dreams. They terrified me. I was scared of what you would say. Sometimes, I feel like a child when I speak to you.”
“You are a child compared to me,” he teased.
“Yes, you're centuries older and have been through things I can't imagine. You've fought in wars on Earth and Fairy. You've survived the Unseelie Court and now rule it. You make me feel small and silly sometimes, Raza. Compared to you, I'm a foolish girl.”
“Seren, no.” Raza's expression went wounded.
“I know you don't mean to make me feel that way. But, babe, you're incredible. It's fucking intimidating. Do you know how hard it is for me to stand up to you? Your presence alone is so commanding, I feel like . . . I don't know. But I know what I don't feel. I don't feel more powerful than you. Power is more than the strength of your magic. It doesn't matter how much magic I gain; I will never be your equal.”
“Ah, you're still talking. I'll come back,” Tiernan's voice came from behind me.
I turned to see him standing in the doorway.
“No, T. Uh, would you mind if I went to see Raza for a little while?”
“Of course not, love. Go.”
“Thank you.” I looked at Raza. “Can I come see you? I think we need to finish this conversation in person.”
“If you don't, I will fly to you this very instant.”
“I'm coming.” I closed the scry phone, kissed Tiernan goodbye, summoned my Angel magic, and laruked to Raza.
Chapter Nineteen
As soon as I appeared in Raza's guest suite, he lifted me off my feet and into his embrace. We just held each other, my feet dangling against him and our faces buried in the other's necks. Breathing. Trembling through the knowledge of how close we'd come to damaging our love.
