Yet.
So, I stopped the kiss and helped Aras up onto the bench beside me. When he leaned in to start again, I said, “Not here. We don't have enough time.”
Aras laughed and shook his head at me.
Scowling, I asked, “What's so funny?”
“Do you think every kiss needs to lead to sex?”
I lost my frown to confusion, then a horrifying enlightenment came. “I suppose I do. That's awful, isn't it?”
He started laughing again.
“Don't laugh at me,” I said and pushed at him. Then I joined in. But when our laughter subsided, I realized that it was terrible in other ways. I whispered, “I don't think I've ever loved anyone.”
“What?” Aras went still.
“Kissing has always led to sex for me because it's all I ever wanted from a lover,” I admitted. “I've never loved anyone romantically. Never even wanted to.”
“Ah.” He smoothed his hair and then his jacket.
I watched him for a few moments, his stiff movements bringing a smile back to my face because I could feel what they were hiding—his disappointment. I took his hand. “Aras.”
His jaw hardened as he looked at me.
I snorted.
“Now, you're laughing at me?” Aras growled and shoved my hand away. “Is it funny to you that I want more? All that talk earlier. You were just placating me, weren't you?”
“No, I was not placating you,” I said as my heart soared. “I meant every word, Aras. Every. Word.”
Sweet Goddess, was I falling in love already? Is that what I was feeling—this buoyant effervescence that was akin to flying? This shivering in my chest? Was that love? Was love the reason I could control my lust? Holy shit. It shouldn't have surprised me. Love was supposed to be inevitable in a mating. I knew it was coming. I expected and hoped for it. But I had never felt it before, not for a lover. So, I couldn't be sure. Couldn't recognize it. Funny, the word “lover” implied that the emotion was involved. And yet that was often not the case. I couldn't be the only man on all of Serai who had never been in love. And the more I thought about it, the more grateful I was that Aras was the one to introduce me to the emotion.
Shoulders dropping, he asked, “You did?”
I reclaimed his hand to say, “How can you ask that after this afternoon? For fuck's sake, do you think I would have invited you to the theater tonight if all I wanted was sex? I wouldn't have bothered. The only reason I told you about my past and the lack of love in it was because it's different with you. I wanted you to know just how different it is. I have never been in love, Aras. But for the first time in my life, I want to be.”
“You want to fall in love?” Wincing, he turned to face me. “I may have overreacted a bit.”
I burst out laughing.
Aras grimaced. “It felt as if you were rejecting me. And then you said that you had never loved anyone, and all you wanted was sex.”
I shook my head at our follies. “I did not say that. I said that was all I wanted in the past. From other men. If all I wanted was sex from you, why would I have stopped you just now?”
“You said there wasn't enough time for sex.”
I replayed what had happened in my mind. “Ah. Yes, all right.” I sighed. “We've rushed things a bit. I don't regret it, but it means that we don't know each other as we should. And frankly, I've never attempted to get to know a man intimately. I don't know what I'm doing, Aras.”
“Fuck,” Aras whispered.
“I've disappointed you,” I concluded. “You've craved an alpha lover for so long, and you finally get one only to discover that he doesn't know how to have a relationship. But you can help me through this without being in control. We can—”
“Lyrandir!” He squeezed and shook my hand.
I paused. “Yes?”
“I'm not disappointed. Quite the opposite.”
