“I deserve to be treated well.” I sat up with the epiphany on my lips.
Rian's arm fell away. He sighed and snuggled deeper into the bed. Holy shit, my movement hadn't roused him. Even his cock was sleeping. So, the mating magic was fading. It was done. That meant I had a chance.
It wasn't brave to run away, and I hated leaving the prosperous business I had built. But I had done this once and I could do it again. I had enough money and the knowledge needed to start over. That's what I'd do. Because I knew that Rian would never let me leave. The magic may only bind him, but part of that binding meant he had to hold on to me in every way possible. He wouldn't simply walk away. It would mean an empty life for him.
I paused, considering this. The thought of Rian living a half-life hurt my heart. But then I slid out of bed and quickly got dressed. I was done doing things to make others happy. Why should I stay just so Rian wouldn't be miserable? That was dumb. It was trading my happiness for his. And I wasn't going to do that. No. I had made Rontor a promise, and in doing so, I had also made a promise to myself. No one, not even a Dragon king, would abuse me. This may not be what most would define as abuse, but it was detrimental to my wellbeing, and the only one who could stop it was me.
I took a deep breath, grabbed a bag, and packed my most precious belongings. Only a few garments went into the bag. Clothes were replaceable. But I put in my little treasures—things I'd collected over the years that I really loved. Gifts from my family, things like that. Then I hurried downstairs, motioning Vashana to follow.
I gathered my notebooks, the ones with detailed drawings of my inventions and their parts. Those got dumped into a trunk. I went into the shop next and topped the books with as many of my smaller inventions as I could. I emptied the reckoiner, then pried up a floorboard and removed my stash of coins. The money went into my satchel. Once that was done, I took a few precious minutes to write Rian a letter.
Disappearing without a word would be a bad idea. He might think someone had taken me from him. This way, he'd know exactly what I'd done and why. I explained how he had made me feel and how important it was to my wellbeing that I not allow that. I even told him how to work the beetle trap. I closed the letter by writing that if he loved me, he'd let me go. He'd put my welfare above his own and stay away from me. Atop the letter, I left the collar Rontor had given me. I didn't want it anymore, couldn't even bear to look at it.
Resolved, I pulled on my wing scarf, then my red cloak, and stepped outside. It was still early, but luck was with me and the streets were clear of snow. Even luckier was the arrival of a carriage-for-hire. I waved it down, and the driver stopped the horses, then jumped down to help me with my trunk.
“Where are you headed, Sir?” he asked.
“As far from here as you're willing to take me.” I held up a silver coin.
The man grinned. “That will get you as far as Wargeslad.”
“Is that east?”
“South of here.”
That meant it was in the opposite direction of the Riscavik Enclave. Perfect.
“Let's go.” I tossed him the coin and motioned Vashana into the carriage.
Vash whined and looked back at the shop.
I looked back as well. It hurt to leave what I'd built, not just the business but also my life. And it especially hurt to leaveRian. But choosing myself was the right thing to do, the only way I could be happy. I was finally proving my strength. Sure, I was running away, but one must know one's capabilities. This was what I had to do. It was also the hardest thing I'd ever done. Maybe that's why it was so bittersweet. I was finally going to live the life I wanted, but I had to sacrifice love to have it. So be it. What is love without happiness anyway?
It's torture. And I was done with that shit.
Chapter Forty-Six
The further away from Rian I went, the worse I felt. Vashana whined, and I stroked her, taking the comfort she offered. My chest ached. I wanted nothing more than to turn around and run back to my mate. Something inside me was vehemently protesting his absence.
“Him,” I whispered. “It's Rian's soul.”
I grit my teeth. I would push past this. All I had to do was remember the way Rian had treated me. How he told me to call him master instead of mate. And how I had done it.
I shivered and fought down a wave of nausea. No. I wouldn't be that man again. I enjoyed the feeling of submitting to an alpha, but not like that. Not so that I felt diminished. I wanted a lover who would support me. One who would make me feel safe, not afraid. And as those thoughts came to me, I realized something so simple, so fucking obvious, that it was profound.
“Lovers are supposed to make you feel good,” I said.
Vash climbed up on the seat and laid her head on my lap.
“Yes, I know I should have known that already.” I bent and kissed her silky head. “And that makes it so much worse.I'm broken, Vash. I don't know how or when it happened, but it's about time I fix myself.”
She whined and burrowed her nose into my cloak.
“No, it's all right. I see the damage more clearly now. I'd only been frosting it over before. Now, I've found the root, and I can dig it out. It's not asking a lot to want to be treated with respect and affection. I shouldn't have to ask for that at all. If I want more, if I want a man to play games of submission with me, I should have that too. I should have it in the precise way that I want it, never worrying that my lover might take it too far. And if a man can't give that to me, I should move on. I must respect myself and my desires before I give the same respect to a lover.”
Vashana huffed, as if she was glad I finally got it.
And I did, but still, I had to repeat it to myself over and over until we reached Wargeslad. And then I repeated it more in a fresh carriage on the way to the next town. Yes, I kept going from town to town, stopping only to see to Vashana's and my needs, those that couldn't be seen to in a moving vehicle. I bought our meals at those stops too, but we ate in the carriages. Then we slept in a carriage.
