“Yes, but you would have stopped me from doing what I had to do.”
Xaedren cursed and shook his head.
“It's true,” I said to him. “I love you all, but I will do what I have to, to end this. Even if it means lying to you.”
Silence met that statement. Terrible silence.
Shit. Had I just fucked things up worse?
“Now there is something that I understand,” the Emperor said, suddenly sounding as weary as me.
We all looked over at him in surprise.
“Don't look at me like that,” the Emperor said. “I am a man, just a man. I am better at magic than others, and I have won a crown with it, but that doesn't make me a god. It makes me the person who must do the things no one else wants to do. I must send children into danger and ask more of men who have given everything.” His face softened as he looked at me. “I'm so sorry, Ember. I had hoped love would be a comfort to you, not a burden. I didn't know you were so troubled by taking more lovers.”
“Not troubled, Your Imperial Majesty,” I said. “Just . . . scared.” I made a huff of amazement. “There it is. I'm scared. Terrified. I have nightmares about it.”
“What scares you?”
“Being overwhelmed by them.” I shrugged. “Unable to make them happy. Crushing their hearts by falling in love with others. Not having the time to dedicate to loving them properly. Ass pain.”
Keltyr snorted.
“I'm sorry, did you just say, 'ass pain?'” the Emperor asked, his lips twitching.
“Yes, Your Imperial Majesty, I did.” I lifted my chin. “Being immortal helps with my recovery, but if I have to sexually satisfy a lot of men, I'm going to feel it eventually. I'll be exhausted and sore. Not just my ass either. My jaw will probably ache. And then I'll have to push through it to train every day.”
General Rontor made a strained sound.
“Sorry, General,” I said. “I'm just being honest.”
“I appreciate that honesty,” the Emperor said. “As do your lovers, I'm sure.”
“Ember, we would never put such a strain on you,” Xae said.
“Xae, you're the randiest of them all. If I don't see to your needs, you won't be happy, and then, I won't be happy.”
Xaedren's expression went so tender, it was goofy. “Come here.” He pulled me into his arms and kissed me. It was quick since the Emperor was sitting right there, but then he bent his forehead to mine and whispered, “I love you. The sex is secondary. I will be happy as long as you're mine.”
“I love you too. And thank you for saying that.” I eased away from him. “But I don't think you will.”
As Xae started to growl, Rath said, “You have to trust us, Ember. We are not animals.” He grimaced at Xae, then added, “Not all the time. And even when Xae's a beast, he can control himself. He is still a man within that form. We are not driven merely by primal instincts.”
I lifted a brow and looked pointedly at Xae.
“I've been getting them under control,” Xae muttered.
“I do trust you,” I said and looked from Xae to Rath and then to Kel. “All of you. But I can't control my fear. This is what I'm afraid of. We're good now, with the four of us. But what happens when there are eight? Or ten? Twenty?” I swayed in my chair. “Oh, fuck. Twenty.”
“I don't think that will be necessary, Ember,” the Emperor said. “You can slow down, you know? And if you reach a point where you don't think you can handle another lover, then you can always stop.”
“Can I, Your Imperial Majesty? Because it doesn't feel that way.”
The Emperor sighed. “As I said, sometimes I have to do terrible things to protect our world. You're right, Ember. I must ask you to continue adding fuel to your fire. It was made obvious today that the four of you are not enough to defeat the Corrupter. I'm sorry to add to your burden, but it makes no sense to stop now. Please, follow your heart again. Pick another. And choose well, Lord Ember.”
“Choose well,” I whispered as a memory of Taroc launching himself at the Corrupter filled my mind. “I think I did, but then I fucked it up.”
“The un-fuck it up,” the Emperor said with a soft smile. “I understand the hardship of that as well.”
