“Tea?” He offered me the thermos.
“Is there water?”
“There should be a jug on the floor behind you.”
I turned and hefted an earthenware jug from the ground. After uncorking it, I gulped down the chilled water, then panted in relief. “Who would have thought that cold water would be so delicious in the middle of a snowstorm?”
“We did work up a sweat.” Kon grinned broadly and took the jug from me.
I watched him tip it back, his muscles bunching in his arm and chest as his throat worked, then he licked his lips and lowered the jug back to the ground. This man was my lover. A secret affair. I should be afraid. If we were discovered, we could both be executed. But I wasn't afraid; I was excited. Thrills kept running down my spine. I felt as if every second brought a shift in my very being. That I was transforming as we sat there, becoming someone stronger. Someone free. A man who didn't give a fuck about what the Swan King could do to me.
I liked that man. I liked him very much. Which is a hell of a lot more than I could say about the old me.
“I didn't hurt you, did I?” Konstantin asked.
“What? No. When?”
“When I penetrated you. I know I'm a bit . . .”
“Massive? Enormous? Gargantuan?” I asked with a chuckle. “You are a large man in every way, but I can handle you, Konstantin Ivanovich Garin.”
“I'm glad to hear it. Because I'd hate to have to hold back with you.”
“I'd hate you holding back too. Don't. Just never forget the lube.”
Konstantin burst out laughing, crumbs flying from his mouth, and I held up my arm to shield myself from the debris. When he saw my reaction, he only laughed harder.
I grimaced at him. “You are such a barbarian.”
“I'm sorry.” He brushed the crumbs from the blankets. “You startled me. I don't normally spray my dinner companions with food.”
“Glad to hear it,” I drawled.
Kon cocked his head at me, the laughter still hovering around his lips. “Does anyone else know how funny you are?”
“Funny?” I squished my face at him. “I am a renowned opera singer. I am not a comedian.”
“Uh-huh.”
A smile cracked my stern expression. “No, only you see this side of me.”
“Good.” He leaned across our meal to kiss me. “I like having the real you to myself.”
The real me. I'd shown him my truth, and he had shown me his. Just as I'd suspected, this was how people connected. How bonds were formed. Not by pretending to be what your lover wanted but by giving them all you actually were—being brave enough to hold nothing back.
“I want to leave,” I said.
“Right now?” Konstantin looked at the food. “We're not even halfway through lunch.”
“No, I want to leave Russia. I want to go home with you, Kon. I want to live with you under American soil.”
Konstantin took my hand. “That's not the first time you've said that, but it sounds as if it's the first time you've believed that you can have it.”
I had to swallow a rising sob before I spoke. The new me wouldn't cry just because I realized the old me was a victim. “I never dared to want anything for myself before. So, even after I decided that I wanted to leave with you, that I'd do everything I could to help you free me, I still didn't let myself hope. Not truly.”
“But now you can?”
“Now Iwill,” I said firmly and squeezed his hand. “I will hope, and I will do whatever I have to do to get what I want.”
