All of the things I had called myself the first time I had been untrue to Malik came rushing back. All of the things Cyprian had called me. He had said them to help me—to heal me—and it had worked. But only because I knew deep down that it hadn't been my fault and I believed I would never betray another lover again. How wrong I'd been. Guilt consumed me and my crying turned into deep, body-wracking sobs. This time it was all on me and what I had done was unforgivable. I would lose Malik again. I would lose them all. Yes, I know I was overreacting but at that moment—in the midst of my breakdown—it felt as if my life were falling apart. I felt utterly hopeless.
And then Braxis started to sing.
Braxis' voice was deep and rich and haunting. He sang about gods—the Gods of the Bleiten and their love. How Revvenar came across the beautiful Essalea washing her hair in the river and swore to make her his mate. I clutched Malik's shirt tighter, but Braxis didn't try to take it away, he just kept singing and stroking my hair. His words washed over me like the water that washed over Revvenar when he swam to Essalea. They lured me as the goddess did her god. They offered me solace and I took it, just like a foolish prisoner who has nothing else to cling to. I guess I wasn't as strong as I'd thought.
After he finished his song, Braxis stood up, lifting me with him easily, and carried me back to bed. He laid me down gently, then climbed under the covers beside me. I went into a fetal position but he just gathered me against his chest and curled himself around me. He was so large that he surrounded me completely and his scent overpowered Malik's. It was as rich as his voice—woodsy and resinous. Something like oud or frankincense. The worst part was that he smelled good. I lifted Malik's shirt and pressed my nose into it, using it as a shield.
“I know you've gone through a lot today,” Braxis said softly, his words sounding even more intimate in the dark. “And I know I'm the reason for that. But I'm here and I'm going to hold you, Amara. I'm going to hold you while you cry for him—for all of them—and then I'm going to pray that you will forget them and forgive me. Because I can't let you go, little one. I have sacrificed too much to get you here. I can't set you free now, even if it means torturing myself with your tears. And they do hurt me, but not nearly as much as not having you would.”
Braxis stroked my hair and kissed the top of my head.
“I will never forsake them,” I vowed.
To his credit, Braxis didn't point out that I already had. Instead, he said something far more terrifying.
“I'm beginning to understand why a man would consent to share you.”
Chapter Thirty-Five
I woke in Braxis' arms and instantly hated myself. I hated myself for being weak, for accepting comfort from him, and for what I was doing to him. I knew it was my only option but encouraging him to fall in love with me only so he'd let me go, felt like another kind of dishonorable warfare. But they say that all is fair in love and war. This was both so I suppose that made it doubly fair. And let's be real here—Braxis deserved it.
So, I pushed aside my self-loathing and sank back into the role I'd assigned myself—the resilient captive. I had cried my tears, wallowed in my guilt, and clung to my captor. Now was the time to dry my eyes, steel myself, and make my captor cling to me.
When I felt Braxis stir, I snuggled in against his chest and pretended to be asleep. I felt him shift. His hand dragged across my belly. I waited long minutes as I listened to his breathing go from steady to more erratic. Something soft pressed against my lips and breath brushed my face. A stolen kiss. I stirred a little, making a tiny sound, but didn't open my eyes. I was winging it, but I was also stalling. A part of me dreaded meeting his stare after all that had happened between us the day before.
“You are more dangerous than I gave you credit for, Dvarra,” Braxis whispered.
Dvarra. It had been awhile since I'd heard that word. It was the equivalent of “girlfriend” in the Bleiten language but with more weight to it. It was a woman who a man intended to make his mvarra someday. In short, the game had just taken a turn in my favor. Maybe some of that nonsense he'd spouted the night before had been true. Maybe he was starting to have softer feelings for me.
Braxis' hand trailed over my face and I pretended to be awakened by his touch. I fluttered my eyes open and looked up into his. The light green was more of a mossy color in the dark and the fire was leeched out of his hair. He was a subdued version of the chieftain I knew—in all ways. Braxis lowered his mouth to mine again. It was another chaste press of his lips so I allowed it and pretended that it had affected me. I let my lips tremble a little when he pulled away.
“Last night,” I whispered.
“You had a nightmare,” he brushed it aside. “It's forgotten now.”
“Thank you.” I looked away.
Braxis cleared his throat and reached up to press a button on the wall behind the headboard/shelf. The lights came on and he turned away from me to get out of bed. He was naked. It wasn't a surprise, he'd gone to bed that way, but still, it jolted me. Not because his toned, warrior's body had aroused me again but because during all of that time when he had held me and sang to me, his nudity never even registered with me. I'd forgotten about it until that very moment. And since Braxis' body posed the greatest threat to me, that was not a good sign.
I crawled out of bed and headed for the pile of my clothes that I had left on one of the chairs.
“There are a few garments in that closet for you,” Braxis said gruffly as he pointed at a wall.
I glanced at him; he was looking away, focused on fastening his boots. I stepped up to the wall and pushed on it as I'd seen Malik and Braxis do. It clicked open and revealed a small collection of women's clothing. The dresses were simple but well-made and there were underwear, shoes, and even a cloak. None of them were Bleiten styles. I chose a dress and pulled it on; it fit.
“You bought these for me?” I asked over my shoulder.
“Bartered,” again with the gruff tone.
It looked as if I wasn't the only one having doubts over my behavior. And I couldn't allow that, not with him. I needed him to keep moving forward with me or everything I'd done would count for nothing. I clenched my jaw as I slid on a pair of shoes. What to do? How did I soften him again? I couldn't suddenly act interested but I couldn't continue to hold back either. Damn.
I went up to Braxis and turned my back toward him. “Would you mind?”
Braxis didn't move for a moment. I swept my hair aside to reveal the lacing of the dress. His breath quickened; I felt it brush my bare back. Then his fingertips grazed my skin—lightly—tentatively. I glanced over my shoulder and saw him staring at my neck. His lips were parted and his fangs bared. Braxis was practically salivating. Oh, forest fires! This may have just backfired.
“Never mind,” I said abruptly. “I didn't consider that this might be a task beneath you. I'll manage.”
I started to move away but he grabbed my upper arms and held me in place.
