“But you don't feel the same?”
“I don't know what I feel for you,” I continued with the honesty. “But I don't want to analyze it because it's moot. I can't be with you.”
“Are you going back to Tiernan?”
“No,” I clenched my jaw.
Why did it hurt so much to say that one tiny word?
“But you want to,” Killian set his gaze on the stars and kept his tone casual.
“I love Tiernan, but he hurt me pretty bad,” I took a deep breath and slowly let it out. “I forgave him awhile ago, I did, but the wound is still there. It still aches. And now I love Raza. The dragon crept up on me, and he dug his claws in deep. I can't betray him. Not ever.”
“If it didn't mean I'd never hold you, I'd admire that,” Killian whispered.
I looked over to him, considering his profile. It was rare for Killian to be so serious, and it made him seem like an entirely different man. Times like this made me wonder how much emotion Killian buried beneath his sarcasm and snark.
“What if you talked to Raza about this consort thing?” Killian turned to face me. “He was willing to accept Tiernan before. Why not me as well? It's not like we'd all be living together.”
The world shifted abruptly for me, and I had a golden glimpse of what my life might be like if things were really that simple. Raza in Unseelie, Tiernan in Twilight, and Killian in HR. A man in every port. I nearly snorted. From princess to pirate.
“As if you'd be willing to share me,” I huffed, pushing away my traitorous thoughts.
“To have you, Seren,” Killian swallowed hard before starting again. “To be with you, I would do anything.”
“Killian,” I shook my head.
“Anything,” he said more firmly. “Even share you with a dragon.”
“That dragon isn't willing to share anymore,” I said. “And it would have only been with Tiernan anyway, because Tiernan would be a bond to Seelie, and through him, we could unite the kingdoms.”
“I could be your connection to the witches,” Killian smirked. “Doesn't Raza want peace with them as well?”
“Yes, but,” I frowned. Something was tickling the back of my mind. “You're not exactly a witch anymore. Not entirely. You're a twilight fairy.”
“And you already have Twilight covered,” he said grimly. “So there's no room for me?”
“I'm sorry, Killian,” I said gently, “but I don't think it's possible.”
“Anything's possible,” Killian smirked, his mask firmly back in place. “So long as you're true to yourself and what you really want.”
I gaped at him. How did he know to say that? And on this particular night? Right after Danu had said nearly the same thing, and Tiernan had asked to be my consort. What was going on? Killian winked, kissed me on the forehead, and left before I could gather my thoughts enough to question him.
I stared up at the night sky, feeling as if I was tumbling through it. Twilighting without a destination.
Chapter Nine
I hardly slept that night. Guilt over allowing Tiernan to kiss me shivered through my limbs, making them restless. And then there was Killian. If I did as Danu asked, and was completely honest with myself, I'd admit that I cared deeply for Killian. But I wasn't ready for that kind of honesty yet. There were bigger truths ruling my life. Dragon-sized truths.
I needed to tell Raza about the kiss. I'd kissed Raza once while I was still with Tiernan, and I hadn't told Tiernan right away. Now the situation was reversed, and I had learned from my mistakes. I would tell Raza as soon as possible and banish this shadow which had settled between us. I even headed for Aideen's crystal ball a few times in the night, but I kept turning away when I was halfway there. I couldn't tell Raza over a scry. That seemed unfair to him. I had to give him the respect of telling him to his face... so he could slap mine.
No, Raza wouldn't do that. That was more Tiernan's thing. Oh Goddess, that was a horrid truth. Tiernan had hit me, and although I forgave him for it (and had done my own slapping), I wasn't able to forget. Still, there was more to us than one mistake, and I missed him. You know, they call it heartache, but you never think that's truly what it feels like until you experience it. Real heartache. The loss of someone you love. It really does become a physical pain, an ache inside your chest, and if you're not careful, that ache can spread. It can poison your whole life.
I rubbed at my sternum through most of the night.
I woke my Star's Guard, Cat, and Bress before dawn. I was going to twilight over to Unseelie. Damn, but Killian was right, the word worked as a verb. Anyway, they all insisted on joining me, as I assumed they would. All except for Tiernan, whom I hadn't woken. I was leaving him behind because I knew it would be better for his health in so many ways. Mainly, he wouldn't be within roasting distance of a certain dragon-djinn when I confessed to our kiss.
But Tiernan woke on his own, his hunter senses alerting him, and came racing out of the tree to confront me.
