I was capable of doing it. Hell, my bandmates had often joked about my caretaker nature. That was partially why it hurt to not get the same back when my health started to decline. Then again, by that time, Will and Mila were both using, and Q tried to keep his head down in order to be able to play every night on tour.
Feeling better now was…. It was everything. I didn’t think I’d ever felt as alive as I was after I’d died. Yeah, that still managed to amuse me.
That, in turn, meant I was starting to feel as if I needed to do my part. I didn’t need constant care anymore. Rian had stopped hovering and while I still experienced the hunger more acutely when the humans were around, I felt… settled.
I was pretty sure it would be a different deal if I was hungry and then bumped into one of the humans out of the blue. I knew there was a beastly side to me now, something wild and a bit unpredictable, but as long as I was fed well, I would stay in control.
We sat there in silence, until eventually, Ben got back.
We heard him approach the bedroom door, and Max sat up next to me and clutched my hand tightly.
“We need to talk,” I told Ben, and his expression looked almost… resigned.
“I know.” He sighed heavily as he closed the door. Then he glanced over at the armchair by the window.
Max tensed.He didn’t want Ben so far away.Somehow I understood that in my core.
Ben, with his connection to his brother, seemed to get it too. He got on the bed and sat down by our feet. With both of them there, the angst rolled off them in waves. I wondered if I could’ve felt this even as a human. Probably not.
“First things first,” I started, since they were quiet. I wasn’t sure what I’d meant to say, but what came out was, “You’re not Ethan’s, you’re ours.”
Ben’s eyes widened and Max gasped. Then Max squeezed my hand tighter for a moment, and Ben teared up.
“Yeah?” he whispered, as if he didn’t quite believe me.
“Ben, I know you and Max are a package deal. I know someone else might see it as a bad thing. But why the fuck would I want one of you with half of their heart, their fuckingsoul,missing?”
The tears escaped Ben’s eyes, and he moved fast, crawling up the bed to hide his face in my stomach.
I choked up, and I could hear Max’s breathing hitch, too. I put my hand through Ben’s hair, combing the strands as he shook. With relief, I thought.
“There’s also this thing I haven’t mentioned,” I said quietly after a while of both Max and I petting him. “A few years ago, I was in a relationship with someone. It… it didn’t end well. So I’m not ready for….” I sighed as I thought about how to form the words. “I don’t know. Maybe that’s it? I don’t know what I’m ready for right now? But I can see this, us three, being it for me. Just….”
Max kissed my shoulder. “Take it slow?”
I nodded. “Yes. That.”
“Someone hurt you,” Ben spoke for the first time in minutes. “Taking it slow is the best course for us, too. We haven’t really—not separately and not together.”
“I understand.” They’d grown up in such a miserable environment, and then the addiction and just keeping their headabove the surface had consumed their lives. “Can I make a suggestion?”
“Of course,” Ben said.
“Always,” Max added.
Gods, I could see myself falling in love with them both given time, and I wasn’t ready. It scared me, but I wouldn’t,couldn’tgive them up.
“Whatever we decide, we talk about it.” At their nods of agreement, I continued, “And we talk right now about what our expectations of intimacy are in the long run. How it’s going to work and all that.”
Max hid his face on my shoulder. Sometimes he seemed so young for being almost thirty. I was twenty-five and most of the time, I felt as though I was older than him.
“Of course,” Ben repeated. He sat up next to me and took Max’s hand, resting them on my stomach. I put my hand over theirs.
“You work a lot, but Max and I are at home most of the time. We’d never do things you’re not okay with. Ever.” I lifted my hand to stop them from talking. “There isn’t going to be much happening either way, because we’re taking things slow,butI want to know what the limits are.”
Ben shook his head quickly. “It’s not a competition. Not something we need to keep an eye on in case you and him make out three minutes longer than you’d do with me.”
Max groaned and blushed hard enough that I could feel the heat off his cheeks. Ben and I shared a fond look.
