“Only if you feel up to it, of course.” Jack looked at me, clearly worried at my expression.
“I don’t…can I tell you before you leave?” I asked, my heart racing like hell.
“You have about two hours. I’d go tomorrow, but it’s Thanksgiving, and no way in hell will I go on Friday.”
Right, nobody sane wanted to go out on Black Friday.
“Okay,” I said weakly. Then I forced my body to move again, this time to the couch where I curled up while Jack continued his snack-making operation.
Madden came inside soon after. He had red cheeks and looked happier. I tried not to feel jealous of that, of him being able to just go outside and go on a walk.
He took off his jacket and shoes, and then came to slump on the couch next to me.
“What’s wrong?” he asked, immediately taking my hand.
“Oh, Jack asked me if I wanted to go with him to do some errands.” I omitted the surprise, because of course I would. Not that we could keep it until Saturday, I was pretty damn sure. Not in this house.
“And you haven’t been outside much, right?”
I’d explained to him about where I was in my…I didn’t like the word recovery, but maybe that was it? Exposure therapy?
“I haven’t been in a car since we came here. It’s been…about six months now.”
Madden hummed. “Well, if you don’t feel like it, maybe don’t go. But just remember what you told me about boundaries last night.”
I saw Jack tilt his head minutely to our way, which was…curious.
Madden had been talking about how he hated to think he was losing somehow. Like that was how it felt when someone asked him to accept a change in his life. Like Toby buying them things constantly, like River and Lake doing the same because they cared.
The only thing I could tell him was that he had to be clear about his boundaries—he’d told Toby he was not to buy them anything more without a serious discussion with Madden—but that he could also stretch that boundary sometimes, when it was something little like Lake buying Mona new winter shoes while he’d gone to a quick grocery run for Jack yesterday.
“Yeah,” I admitted. “It was good advice.”
Madden laughed. “Don’t let it get to your head.”
“I wouldn’t dare.” I looked over to the kitchen. “Jack? I’ll try. But only if we get Toby’s car.”
“Sure.”
“He’ll give you the car no questions asked,” Madden said confidently. Then he leaned closer to me and whispered, “I’ll let him hang in our room to give you time.”
I burst out laughing. It would make Toby’s day.
* * * *
When Toby arrived and Jack explained him the situation, he was all for us borrowing the nice SUV.
It didn’t have tinted windows, but it felt somehow less exposed than the trucks, especially the crappy one we had left since River and Ben had borrowed the better one for their move.
Everyone annihilated the afternoon snacks together, while I tried not to let the nervous tremble overtaking my body become a jackhammer. I didn’t want to end in the basement.
Finally, Lake said, “We can clear everything once we’re done here.”
Jack got to his feet and looked at me. “I’m not going to ask you if you’re ready, but this is when I’m going, so…”
Without replying, I got off the couch and went to pull on my shoes. I grabbed my winter jacket and put it on while Jack did the same next to me.
He opened the door and walked out.
