I grabbed the trash and used litter from the room and put them outside my door to be taken downstairs.
Sitting on the edge of my bed, I wondered if I was ready to try. I’d felt better, more confident, lately. It wasn’t just the agoraphobia stuff, but I had less nightmares and felt less skittish around new people. If they were normal human sized, unlike Jack, obviously.
I leaned against the wall and closed my eyes. Centering myself sounded like an awesome idea, until I tried it for the first time. I couldn’t do meditation or anything else that needed me to breathe and concentrate and stay still. I could do all those things separately, but together? No, thank you.
Sighing, I realized I couldn’t change anything by stalling. I just needed exposure therapy and having someone I trusted there would help. Except I couldn’t do it with Lake or River, because I knew they were nervous for me. Theo would be fine, but he was busy as fuck with the foal.
That left Jack. He might be new here, but he was also…steady in ways I felt I needed right now.
I got off the bed and went to the door, the kittens dashing after me.
“No, you guys aren’t going out today. At least not yet. If I feel okay later and the weather holds, then maybe.” I slipped through the door and made sure no small paws or tails caught in it when I closed it.
Picking up the trash, I went downstairs.
“All ready?” Jack asked when he noticed me.
“Yup. I’m gonna double-bag the poop and drop it in the trash here if that’s okay?”
“Works for me. I take the trash out daily anyway.” He finished doing whatever he was organizing the fridge for, then closed the door. “And wash your hands after.”
Grinning, I did as told and dried them on a clean corner of the towel that was still on his shoulder. He did that chef thing where he always had a kitchen towel hanging there. I needed to keep it in mind, because it seemed handy.
“Are you quite done?” he asked, eyebrows up and amusement dancing in his eyes. The crow’s feet in the corners were far too fucking attractive.
“All done!” I announced, then stepped back and went to the back door.
“You have a plan?” he asked as he followed me leisurely, sans towel.
“Not really. I mean, the weather is nice, so even getting to the chairs would be great.”
“Right.” He let me open the door, then stepped outside and went down the two steps that could’ve been a mile high some days. “How far have you been?”
“I’ve sat on the edge of one of them once. But it was before they were moved further away to make room for the horses Theo has brought me for lessons.”
The deck or lounge chairs, whatever you’d call them, were now on the right side, closer to the grill and further from the door.
“So, other than the sky, what’s the biggest issue?” Jack asked casually, walking around the concrete slab in a meandering way.
“Distance from the door. Not the wall, if there’s some cover from the sky.” I stepped down to the concrete, feeling around inside my brain and chest, trying to see where my tolerance would be today.
“Do you want to make a goal to work toward?” He came to stand a couple of steps from me. He was relaxed as ever, which is exactly why I’d wanted him here over anyone else.
“The orchard fence?” I looked at the distance. It was probably between fifteen and twenty yards, but it could’ve been a mile, right then.
“Can you use props?” Jack asked thoughtfully.
“Huh?”
“Like say we put one of the chairs in the middle if you need to sit, and there’s an umbrella, so if we put that in the middle too for cover if you need it?”
“We could try?” I asked weakly. “Won’t know if we don’t try?”
“That’s true. Let’s file that away for the time being.” He looked around thoughtfully again. “The house is a weird shape, so it’s hard to actually tell when you’re further away from the door and all.”
There was a shorter wall to my left and a longer one to my right, and I wasn’t sure what whomever had made the plans was thinking.
“It feels like there should be more rooms inside.”
