“No, I…I know.” He gnawed on his bottom lip for a moment. “I don’t mind that. It’s the r-reality of the situation. I just feel like I want to be connected to you like that tonight.”
“Which way would you prefer to do it? It’s your first time and I’m good with either.”
His gaze snapped to mine, and he blinked a couple of times. “I…I hadn’t thought that far.”
“Well luckily I can talk you through either option if you need help choosing,” I said in a teasing tone, walking my fingers up his lightly furred stomach and chest, until I could boop his nose.
He snapped his teeth, making me yelp and giggle as I pulled my hand back.
Ben took my hand and kissed the ring. “I want you to top.”
“All right. You’re steering, though. Let me know if—”
“I know, River. I know.” He pulled me into a scorching hot kiss that melted my brain and made my cock throb.
* * * *
The next morning, Ben wanted to “try it the other way around” so we did that before we got up to go to breakfast. I hadn’t had any expectations whatsoever, and as amazing as it had been to have him inside me and as much as we’d both enjoyed it, I knew it might not happen again anytime soon.
Ben was contemplative after, and all through breakfast he was quiet as he meticulously cut his pancakes into smaller pieces and ate his bacon and fruit.
“The coffee is better at home,” he said after a while, smiling.
I chuckled. “True. Much better. I always buy the good beans.”
“Ah, I knew there was a reason, other than the excellent machine.”
Grinning, I finished eating in a pleasant silence. Well, other than the people around us. Luckily there weren’t too many and no kids. I felt like that might’ve overwhelmed Ben.
“So, just so you know, what we did last night and this morning,” I started, and tried to figure out how to form my words carefully. “It was amazing. Easily the best I’ve ever had.” Ben gave me a dubious look. “Seriously. Because I love you. But I want to say that the same thing goes with this than anything else: I don’t have expectations.”
He thought on my words for a moment, and I appreciated that he gave me that courtesy instead of giving me an easy, default answer.
“I enjoyed it much more than I thought I would,” he started quietly. “You could tell.” He grinned, blushing lightly. Oh, I really, really could. “But it’s still the same as it was. It being more…I don’t know. What people consider ‘real sex’ doesn’t matter to me. Everything we do together is real, right?”
I nodded. “Of course it is. And that’s why I wanted to talk about it, because doing it once or twice doesn’t mean I have any more expectations. It’s still on your terms. I would still never want you to do anything you don’t genuinely want. I—it’s just…”
“Consent. I remember.” He reached for my left hand and kissed the ring finger. “I love you.”
I smirked. “So, so much.”
“That.” He finished his coffee and looked at me expectantly. “You wanna start the drive home?”
“Yep! Let’s go home.”
Epilogue
Ben
Having River inside me and being inside him didn’t change much. Now I knew what it was like, and that I enjoyed it both ways a lot. It didn’t awaken any sort of craving in me, although in the future when I felt more sexual, I’d have the knowledge of what I could have if River was in the mood.
Maybe it was the world at large that said one good fuck would cure anyone from asexuality, or the general attitudes towards aces, but I felt relieved that I hadn’t been changed by this. I’d come to terms with asexuality pretty recently, but it had still been that sort of puzzle piece that explained me to myself. I didn’t even care about anyone else’s views of me because they didn’t matter. Well, of course River’s thoughts were appreciated, but that was different, he was my fiancé and I loved him.
In any case, I had validation to the way I’d felt all my adult life and even having fantastic sex with River didn’t change me. It had been better than I could’ve imagined, but I felt validated with regards to the little label that said “asexual” that I’d tacked onto the “my sexuality” box inside my brain. If I was completely honest, I was glad that I’d found the box in the first place, because growing up I’d thought I didn’t even have one, that there was somethingwrongwith me. Now I knew I was completely normal, just different.
* * * *
We changed drivers in the early afternoon. Being almost two thirds done with our drive, I forced River to give me the wheel so he could rest a little. There was quite a bit of post-Thanksgiving traffic, which made him tired and me stressed.
