So there I was, stuck at home for a couple of weeks at least as I helped Aliya out and then held her hand with some rewrites. It would’ve taken a shorter time, but she got sick in the middle and had to take a couple of days off.
I realized I’d never felt quite like I did every day I wasn’t with River. I’d never felt someone’s absence like this before.
That’s why I called Mom again a few days before the rescue’s grand reopening party in mid-August.
“Hi, sweetie,” she said, sounding preoccupied.
“Hi, Mom, can we talk for a bit?”
“What’s wrong?” Her tone changed immediately, alert like only a mother’s could be.
“Just…find a good spot where you’re alone and tell me, okay?”
I heard her open a door, likely her little sunroom in the back of the house, and then the creak of her wicker chair.
“Okay, now what’s going on? Is everything all right?”
“Is there a reason why you don’t like River?” I blurted out, then facepalmed quietly, because I’d had a plan for this conversation.
She was quiet for a couple of seconds, then let out a very obviously fake sound of surprise. “What? No, of course not. Why would you think that?”
I rested my elbows on my knees, holding the phone against my ear. I let my head fall forward and ran my fingers through my hair.
“Please, Mom.”
She was about to deny everything, but she knew how much lying hurt me. My life worked with rules and agreements, and if someone lied to me or didn’t keep their promise, it was the worst kind of torture to my brain.
“I…I don’tnotlike him, honey. It’s…”
“If you say complicated, try again. I’m not a child anymore, Mom.”
She sighed. “I genuinely don’t have anything against him, personally. I don’t know why, but your father decided he didn’t want River around anymore back then, and I guess…maybe because it made things easier for me, I agreed.”
Because she hadn’t wantedanyoneinside the house but us, it had been easier for her to do what Dad wanted. I could understand that, I guess.
Gritting my teeth, I managed to push out what I needed her to understand. “He was my best friend, Mom.” Before she could respond, more words leaped out of my mouth. “He was the best person I knew. The most important person, Mom. You tookeverything elsefrom me, why did you have to take him, too?”
Her gasp was loud in my ears, and I suddenly felt a sting on my scalp and realized I’d been tugging at my hair. I let go and tried to calm down, shaking my hand to relax my fingers.
She sounded as if she was fighting back tears when she spoke next. “I’m so, so sorry, Ben. I really am. You know how bad I got, and I have so many regrets, but hurting you is the worst thing I ever did, no matter how much I thought I was doing the right thing to keep you safe.”
“I don’t know how to deal with this, Mom,” I confessed. “I might be falling in love for the first time in my life, but I don’t know what’s going on with Dad and River, and that bothers me so much I don’t know what to do with it.”
“F-Falling in love?”
“Yes. It’s never happened before. It’s…I’ve never felt like this.” I leaned back in my armchair. “And I don’t know if you know what asexual means, but that’s what I am. So it’s not easy for me to navigate any of this, but at least River is…he’s still thebestperson.”
She sounded even more choked up now. “That’s the only thing that matters, Ben. That someone is right for you.”
“Like you and Dad are right for each other.”
“Yes.” She sniffled and blew her nose, then chuckled. “I’m happy for you, sweetheart. Truly. Just…let’s not tell your dad yet, okay? I’ll try to ask him why he’s so…off, about River.”
“When I go back to Illinois, I’ll talk with River. I don’t want any secrets between us. But I don’t think I can talk to or see Dad in a while.”
“Yes, of course. I’ll let you know if anything changes with his health. Otherwise…stay safe, Ben.”
It was the exact thing she’d kept telling me every time I left the house after Henry died.
