“She wants me to finish writing the book.” He peered at me as if gauging my reaction.
I didn’t know what to think. My mind blanked.
The words bubbled from somewhere deep in my soul. “You really are here to take everything she ever loved, aren’t you?”
Lake looked as if I’d slapped him.
I saw Bucky come closer. He stared at me and Lake, as if figuring out what was going on with the sudden tension he wasn’t familiar with.
I realized I was about to say things I could never take back, things that didn’t make any fucking sense, so I dropped the fork where it was and marched out of the stable, leaving Lake standing there by the wheelbarrow.
I went to my truck and let Bucky climb in, started the engine, and drove off.
As if to mock me, my car stereo began to play one of Ruth’s favorite songs, “Iris” by the Goo Goo Dolls.
I didn’t have the heart to turn it off, so instead I listened to it as I drove without thinking much about directions. Tears were streaming down my cheeks, and Bucky, who usually sat tall and looked out of the window, laid down and put his head on my thigh.
* * * *
I drove for hours. When I finally got back to the rescue, it was in the afternoon, I was starving, and most of my conflicted feelings had melted away.
From a business perspective, I knew what Maria was doing. It wasn’t hard to understand. If only my broken heart would get how much sense it made for someone like Lake, who was a fan of Ruth’s and knew literature, would finish the story. Besides, it would likely make a lot of money.
I couldn’t help feeling the sliver of resentment toward Lake for taking everything from Ruth. It made no sense, of course. He wasn’t taking anythingfromher. These were things Ruth hadlefthim. They were already his. To do as he wished with.
But grief wasn’t logical. Very few strong emotions were. While I knew I could get over this, that wouldn’t happen today. Maybe not even tomorrow. I hoped Lake wouldn’t hold this against me when he made the decision in a few months.
When I went to the stable with all the dogs just to see how much I had to do, I found all the stalls cleaned and new bedding added where necessary. I let my head drop forward as I thought about Lake staying there, finishing it all after I’d stormed off.
“Fuck.”
My phone pinged.
It was Rey. “I don’t think I’m ready today either.”
Why would he be? I’d hurt the guy he thought of as a big brother. I wouldn’t want to be around me, either.
“Okay. Maybe tomorrow?” I sent back.
The message was read, but he didn’t reply. I guess I deserved that.
It wasn’t until much later that evening, while I was pointedly avoiding the ramen and the ice cream because I was a stupid fucking child, when he sent another message.
“I don’t know what you did, but Lake is upset. Fix it.”
If only I felt like I was ready or knew how.
* * * *
I knew I was in trouble with my head as soon as I woke up the next morning. I didn’t feel like talking to anyone. I wanted to stick to the animals, I didn’t want to look anyone in the eye, and I certainly didn’t feel like making sense of the jumbled emotions inside me.
This had happened before. Twice.
First, when I had a big fight with my parents about flunking out of college at nineteen. I understood them now, of course. I’d taken the money they’d invested in my future tuition and other support and decided I didn’t want that future anymore. They were old school people; they’d been so fucking proud of me for wanting to go to college. They’d sold livestock and even a piece of land to send me to college. Of course, some of that money had been left for my sister, in case she wanted to go to college after me or for a down payment on a house if she chose to start a family instead.
But still. She was younger. I was the first one in my family to say I wanted a higher education.
The second time I’d fallen into my pit of stupid brain had been when my dad, who had been my hero growing up, hadn’t wanted anyone to tell me he got cancer. It wasn’t until they discovered he was not going to get better and likely had only months left, that my sister Tina called me. Dad hadn’t wanted her to call. Mom wouldn’t have gone against his will, but Tina didn’t have that problem.
