“Oh thanks.” He frowned a little. “I forgot I had these so since I’m not leaving the house today I thought I’d wear them for a change.” He shrugged and went on to continue cleaning the kitchen and ignoring me.
I put my tongue back into my mouth and left for work.
It became a pattern. Bear pulled away a little but stayed close enough for my libido to take notice. It was as if I’d tasted a forbidden fruit when he kissed me and now I was hyper-aware of him.
He didn’t sink as deep into the little space as he had before, and I hoped it wasn’t just because of my behavior. I could easily see how me rejecting him—even if it had been gently—when he was in his little headspace could make him have difficulties about feeling safe enough to sink back into it like he had in the beginning of his journey.
I talked to my friends about all of it. Robbie and Mal were very good at giving advice on the Daddy/little side of things, and Allen could always be counted on for the rest.
It wasn’t “the rest” that was a problem for me. Bear was beautiful in his natural submission and clearly got peace from serving me like he had in the beginning.
I kept holding onto hope that it would be enough for him if he couldn’t get deep enough into his little headspace.
A couple of weeks later, he asked me if he could use the bathroom with the tub which was closer to my room than his. I told him to go ahead, I had some sketching to do during the evening.
I got into my drawing zone and lost my sense of time.
“Sir? Is my phone on the coffee table?”
I lifted my gaze to check and picked up his phone. I held it toward him over the back of the couch and glanced at him.
I made a choked-up sound, almost inhaling my own spit. Bear stood there, holding a towel around his hips while he came closer to take the phone off me.
He blinked at me. Then he looked down at himself, obviously clocking how much I was staring, and blushed. “Oh, sorry. I’ll uh….” He snatched his phone and quickly left the room.
But not before I could see a tiny little smirk he was trying to hide.
Huh.
Things started to add up quickly. There were small innocent incidents of lip-biting, lollipop-sucking, bending over and so on. I hadn’t realized he was doing it on purpose. But now that I knew what to look for, it became obvious as hell.
I had to give him kudos though. He was really winding me up successfully, and that wasn’t easy to do. I kept pretending as if I hadn’t noticed anything, waiting for my perfect moment to get back at him. Why? Because despite my fear of losing him that had kept me from going all in with him, Bear had become the center of my universe in a way my husband had never been.
One ordinary Tuesday maybe a couple of weeks into Bear’s “drive Luukas nuts” campaign, I dragged my sorry carcass home from work. My back hurt, my hand kept trying to cramp, and I was wiped out.
As soon as I opened the door, Bear bounced to me.
“Daddy! Daddy guess what?” He was vibrating with enthusiasm I hadn’t seen in weeks.
“Let Daddy take off his shoes and jacket, okay?” I said in my kindest tone, because the last thing I wanted was for him to feel rejected again.
“Okay! I’ll order pizzas for us soon, when you go shower, but first Daddy can you please come here so I can tell you the news!”
I had barely enough time to put my stuff away before he tugged at me into the living room and pushed me to sit on the couch. Remarkably, his four stuffies were sitting on the couch and I had to move Moo the Cow to have space.
“Okay, tell me.”
“I was talking to everyone and we asked Master Allen and we can use his club for it and it’s gonna beawesome!” He was so squirmy as he stood in front of me that he forgot something.
“For what, little one?”
His eyes went wide. “Oh no!” Then he threw back his head and giggled wildly. “Thedisco, Daddy! We’re having a disco!”
I couldn’t help but to laugh at his enthusiasm. “Well that makes sense. Are you going all Travolta?”
He shook his head, making his hair fly around his head. “No, Daddy, that’s silly! We’re doing athemeinstead.” I stared at him pointedly until he giggled again. “We wanna do emo music all night long!”
I couldn’t help it, I grabbed his wrist and pulled him closer, then hugged him and blew a raspberry on his shoulder. He giggled and squirmed even more, then suddenly went limp which caused me to pull him onto my lap.
