“Well, it’s a longer conversation, but the gist of it is that I…,” he trailed off, seeming incredibly tired, and then chuckled a bit bitterly. He rubbed his face with his hands. “I feel like I need a drink, even though I don’t drink much.”
“We don’t need to talk about it tonight, Sir.”
“No, no I think I want to at least start talking about everything. It’s… It’s been on my mind even before I met you and now even more.”
I wasn’t sure how to interpret that, so I just nodded. “Okay, well how about I clear the dishes and make you a mug of coffee? With snickerdoodles?” I smiled.
He grinned. “That sounds perfect. I’ll go take a shower while you do that.” He got to his feet and turned to go, then glanced back. “Thank you, Bear.”
Again, I nodded, because I was only doing what I wanted and felt like I needed to do anyway. We lived together. I needed to do my part and I liked a clean house.
I took his coffee and my herbal tea to the living room and added a plate of snickerdoodles next to his mug. Then I made myself comfortable on the couch.
I wrapped a fleece blanket around my knees. I wondered why Luke’s blankets and pillows were boring colors when he used such vivid colors at work.
The shower turned off, and after a moment, Luke shuffled in wearing some woolly socks, sweats, and a tank top.
“Love the socks.”
He grinned, obviously pleased. “Thank you. My mom knits them. They look exactly like the ones my grandma made back in Finland.”
“Here’s your coffee and cookies.”
He grabbed his mug and one snickerdoodle and curled up on the couch like I’d done. He took a small sip of his coffee before taking a bite of the cookie.
The sound he made right after had my nether regions take interest. Holy shit.
“This is so good, Bear,” he hummed ecstatically. “Just… amazing.”
I giggled a little, feeling awkward. “I’ll bake more if it makes you sound like that.”
He looked at me, then flushed a little. “Oh.” Sheepishly, he grinned. “Sorry.”
“Oh no, it was funny.”
Rolling his eyes, Luke enjoyed more of his treats.
“So, I talked with Mal today and he made me realize or maybe admit that I don’t know what I want anymore.”
“Okay….” I frowned in thought. “I mean, people change?”
“Yes, and I get that, but I guess I hadn’t really taken into account how much losing Elio would change me.” He stared at his mug, swishing the coffee around like it was whiskey or something.
I took a leap. “If we’re gonna talk about these things, how about you start from what you and Elio were like together. When it came to the lifestyle, I mean.”
In some way, I felt threatened by Elio and I didn’t need to feel even worse to hear how they were outside their dynamic. That was… too much.
Sighing, he held onto his mug and let his head drop back, staring at the ceiling. For a moment I thought he had changed his mind, but then he began to speak.
“I guess I knew I wanted my partner to be submissive ever since I had my first encounter with a guy who wanted me to take the lead. Elio was this super athletic, intelligent, easygoing guy who used submission to unwind and well, to get his rocks off, too.” The corner of his mouth rose a little at that, and I smiled. “We fit together really well in that sense. I liked pain play, he liked to hurt. He wasn’t in what he called ‘all the bells and whistles’ or anything more extreme, but he was a masochist.”
He lifted his head, drank more coffee, and sighed. “But then a bit over a year into our marriage I found out he had this other side. He had an addictive personality, or so he said after the first time he gambled a paycheck instead of paying for his car payment.”
I winced. I wasn’t familiar with addiction myself, not even second hand, but I could guess the basics of how it was for anyone involved.
“I helped out, he promised to do better, but eventually he went on a friend’s stag party in Vegas and got back having nearly emptied our savings account.” Luke’s eyes were full of pain when he glanced at me. “That was the first time he asked me to hurt him as a punishment.”
I gasped. “Oh no….”
