Denny chuckled. “Yes, basically. I don’t know if there’s anything more than that, really. Just to see where it goes without expectations?”
Jo nodded.
Dr. Jarvis hummed. “So what do you thinkwillhappen, or what do you thinkshouldhappen?”
Denny wasn’t sure which of them was more surprised when Josiah blurted out, “I want Denny to date other guys first.”
“Okay, would you like to elaborate on that?” Dr. Jarvis asked while Denny still felt speechless.
Jo made this frustrated harrumph sound, then stared at the unicorn pillow on the floor. “I don’t know. It’s like… too much pressure on me if he doesn’t? Like I’d be the man he’d use as the benchmark of relationships between two men and I’ve never been good at relationships. I don’t want to accidentally do something that he thinks is normal, because he doesn’t have experience.”
“But… but I don’t even know if I’d want to date anyone else,” Denny said quietly. “I don’t… I mean sure I now look at men differently, but I don’t know it would feel safe for me to date someone else while I still figure this out.”
Josiah’s expression was pained. “I get that, I do….”
“Is that a hard limit for you? A dealbreaker?” Jarvis asked Josiah.
Jo looked startled at the question. He thought for a moment and said, “No. It can’t be. I’m not ready to lose Denny for this.”
“So would you two be able to find a middle ground somehow? Like say, would you be happy if Denny tried a dating app a couple of times, even if he bailed out as soon as he saw the other man?”
Jo chuckled. “He would never bail out. He’d have dinner and then at the end politely explain how this wasn’t going well for him and that while he liked the guy, he couldn’t in good conscience continue the evening or go on another date with him.”
Denny flushed and turned his gaze to his hands. Josiah wasn’t wrong. Denny thought he was many things but definitely not a jerk.
Jarvis hummed. “You say you’re not ready to lose Denny, but if he dates other people, that might happen anyway. What if he finds someone he really likes and that leads into a relationship?”
Josiah frowned. “I guess it would be destiny or something.” He sighed and started to pick at the hem of his shirt. “I’ve been watching him date and marry other people for fifteen years, I guess….” He trailed off in a tone so full of heartbreak it pushed Denny out of the bean bag chair and onto his feet.
He crossed the space and reached for Josiah. “No, I absolutely refuse to date anyone else for the sake of dating a man.” He clutched Jo’s hands in his and bent his knees so they were on the same level. He forced eye contact. “You’re my person, Jo. You and Sammie. We both know there would never be anything between her and either of us, that’s not how we’re wired. But now it looks like you and I might be wired the same way and in some ways that’s fucking scary, but it could also be the best thing ever, don’t you see?”
Josiah’s breath hitched as he looked away. “I…. I’m just tired of hurting. I love you, but I’m tired of thispain!”
At the last word, Josiah broke down, and Denny pulled and manhandled him out of the chair, catching him when he couldn’t quite get his feet under him. He slumped back into the fucking bean bag chair and held onto Josiah who sobbed into his shirt.
It was awkward, they were grown men and the chair wasn’tthatbig. But he clutched Josiah, who had suffered so much, who was right there and Denny was right there too, and….
Dr. Jarvis put a box of tissues on the chair next to theirs and walked to the other side of the room to give them privacy.
Denny didn’twantto date other people. They knew each other. They’d seen the good and the ugly bits over the years. Like Jo had said, there was so much love between them. His feelings toward Josiah had grown and changed over the years. Now that he had his eyes open, he knew that a part of him had been searching for something. It was starting to feel like that thing had been right next to him all this time.
Logically he knew it would be unfair to put those expectations on Josiah, and that part of him understood why Jo was so scared of being Denny’s first male everything.
It took many minutes for Josiah to calm down. Not that Denny cared, he just hated that Jo was in so much pain.
“I guess all we can do,” Denny said quietly after handing Jo the tissue box without jostling him off his lap. “Is to try our best. See where this goes if we let it. I don’t… I don’t see this option where we aren’t important to each other.”
Jo said nothing and Dr. Jarvis stayed at his desk, smiling when Denny looked back at him.
“I think my greatest fear, other than losing you of course, is that I manage to turn whatever this could be between us into another failed marriage,” Denny murmured, then realized what he’d said and backpedaled. “I mean I’m not saying we’ll get married or anything, I mean—”
Josiah chuckled a bit wetly, then blew his nose and slid from Denny’s lap onto the floor. He straightened his legs and sat like a child for a while, staring at Denny as he clutched the tissue box.
“I get that. And it’s not like I don’t know you, still. There’s this one thing I didn’t know becauseyoudidn’t know. Now we do and we can figure it out.”
“Yeah.”
“I’d still prefer it if you’d download Tinder and go on a couple of dates, just to get out there when you’re ready.”
