“Thank you, Dana,” Joel said.
She returned to her duties. The waitress had already slid out of view, but Francis would make sure he tipped her anyway. Not because he thought she needed it for extra salary—he knew that Joel and Aiden paid their staff extremely well—but because it was the right thing to do.
Francis grabbed his spoon and took the first bite of ice cream. It was phenomenal.
“Oh my God,” he moaned, making Joel cackle.
“She’s a wizard with ice cream, isn’t she?”
“This is amazing!” Francis hummed around his spoon. He forced himself to stop eating and drink some of his coffee. He frowned, realizing it was exactly to his liking. “Wait, did you tell them how I take my coffee?”
“Hey, what are good friends, and subs, for?” Joel smirked. “So, where were we?”
“Mark. Uh… well, from what I gather, he sees being gay or feminine as weakness.” When Joel frowned, he hastened to add, “No, not like that. It’s more like ingrained behavior from his childhood. His parents are extremely abusive, emotionally, still. I wouldn’t tell you any of this if I didn’t know you won’t talk to anyone but Aiden. It’s not my story to tell, really, but you know… for context.”
Joel waved a hand. “Don’t worry, it won’t go further than us and maybe Master if he wants more information. You know I don’t leave things out.”
And that gave Francis a pause. “That’s it, isn’t it?”
“What do you mean?” Joel asked over the rim of his espresso.
“I mean, trust is everything. Openness is everything, when it comes to a relationship like yours.”
Joel hummed. “Yes. But we’ve been at it together for a long time. It’s not like we didn’t have hiccups in the beginning, still have occasionally.”
“What I’m saying, I suppose, is that with someone who has so many issues already, adding Dominance and submission to the mix… I’m not sure it’s a good idea for either of us.”
“Use your judgment. You know how to read people. Do you think that anything you’ve done with him so far has been negative for his wellbeing?” Joel looked at him with a raised brow.
Francis shook his head. “If you don’t count freaking out, then no. He… he has intimacy issues and difficulties letting anyone close. He safeworded when I almost kissed him.”
“That’s on him. People kiss all the time. Hookups kiss. Like you said, he has issues with intimacy, and this demonstrates it. Now you know to tread carefully. Besides, you’re already much better at this than you think. I assume you insisted on safewords and immediately stopped when he used one?”
“Of course I did. I… I didn’t stay, though. I bolted.” He hung his head, feeling ashamed.
“I’d say it’s a natural reaction. You weren’t in a scene in your head, you were about to kiss someone you’re attracted to, starting to have feelings for.” Joel shrugged as he continued to demolish his ice cream.
“He has such skin hunger….” Francis could hear his own breath hitching. He felt so fucking sorry for the horrible way Mark was living between those awful calls, with nobody to hold him, it seemed.
“And you don’t?”
“I do, of course I do. I don’t do hookups much these days and it’s been a long time since my last relationship. It’s just… I feel like hugs from my friends sustain me enough, you know. I can cuddle Minnie’s cat if I need more. Padraig and Kaos have a dog. It’s not like I’m living in a void.”
“But Mark is?”
“He seems shocked that someone wants to touch him. He’s managed to alienate a lot of the town because of his homophobia. I’m trying to help him to get over it more, to start believing he doesn’t have to suffer like he does, but… I don’t know. We’ll see how it goes when I get there.” Francis finished his cream-colored, red-speckled ice cream and hummed.
Joel looked thoughtful, almost troubled suddenly. “Just… because he has this internalized homophobia and that’s how he’s been raised… be careful, okay?”
“I don’t think he’d get physical with me,” Francis said, feeling affronted.
“That’s not what I mean,” Joel replied quietly. “I mean, if he ever hurls abuse at you, verbal abuse, don’t take it personally. I’ve met a few guys who have been horrible. The learned behavior can be hard tounlearn.”
Yeah, and that was one of the things Francis wasn’t sure how to deal with. After a lifetime of slurs being thrown his way only for existing, his rebuttals could be swift and merciless, and they were ingrained into his marrow by now.
When confronted with bigots and bullies, Francis’s first line of defense was always snark and sarcasm, and the whole thing was sprinkled with flamboyant behavior just to piss them off. Francis was very secure in his sexuality and gender, and in general, he was pretty traditionally masculine. It didn’t mean he didn’t have a feminine side or that he was ashamed of that side of himself. It was his belief that everyone should embrace both and all sides to find their true self and then just go with the flow.
But then there were people like Mark, who were complicated because that was what had been made of them by their parents. And that, that was a tragedy in Francis’s book.
