Chapter Four
EMIL TRIEDto control his body, and instead of letting the panic sweep him away, he concentrated on Joy. She overbalanced on a rock by the shore, and he reached a hand to tug her back to her feet.
“Oops!” she exclaimed briefly, then continued on her way, the too big boots making her stumble here and there.
Oops, indeed. Emil wasn’t ashamed of freaking out or even Joy’s little outburst afterward. He was fucking annihilated by his own prejudices and how he could see them hurting Makai. He just hoped Makai didn’t think he was racist. Sure, he’d been surprised as fuck when the big guy had used the word “trigger” so casually, but he hadn’t meant anything by it, and now Makai was hurt.
Joy babbled about things as they made the slow trek back to her side of the little lake. The day had started beautiful, and Emil wished it had stayed that way.
Makai had been everything and nothing he’d expected.
He was just as big, tall, and gorgeous as Lotte had whispered to him that day when he arrived to look after Joy. He was also kind, very protective, and had a gentle soul.
Those were things that could change, of course. Maybe he hid a temper underneath all the Zen, but something about him called out to Emil, and it wasn’t just the looks.
And then Emil had gone and stuffed his foot into his mouth, or maybe in his eyes as it might be the case. He’d been surprised, shocked even, to find Makai’s reaction to his freak-out was pretty much better than any stranger’s, ever. Usually he could hide his emotions. He’d practiced that for the last few years when he’d figured out that everyone wanted him to seem better, even if he wasn’t really getting better. This time, the surprise had caught him in the aftermath of the shock, and he’d stared at Makai like he couldn’t believe the guy had a brain on him.
If nothing else, Emil admired Makai for surviving what he’d gone through. Emil knew they didn’t just exonerate people on a whim. There had to be some serious evidence behind righting that kind of wrong in the first place. Makai had gone through hell to get here, and there Emil was, looking at him like… that.
“Do you think Mommy would let me have one of Mouse’s babies when they’re all grown up?” Joy interrupted his musings.
“Uh… I don’t know. You need to ask your mom if she’d be okay with a cat, and Makai has a say too. You don’t just give cats to anyone who wants one. The person who wants a kitten needs to be really sure they’re ready and know what they’re doing.” Then, because it seemed like a difficult thing for Joy to grasp, he clarified. “Like if Mouse was your cat, right? Say there’s three babies. You need to find them really good homes, right?”
Joy nodded and reached out for his hand as they went through a soggy patch of shoreline where Emil’s Chucks took in water like they were dying of thirst.
“Yeah, so what kind a home would you think a cat needs?” He knew it was a big question to ask a five-year-old, but she was smart as hell, and he was interested in the answer.
“Someone who makes sure they can’t make more babies!” she exclaimed, happy in knowing she got that one right at least. Doc Donovan had come to talk about animals in the day care group she’d gone to last year.
“Right, what else?”
“Good food, clean the box where cats pee.” She thought, her little face scrunching up in concentration. “Water bowl! Like for doggies but smaller.” She pondered silently for a while, then looked at Emil. “What else?”
“Well, some people prefer to have indoor cats. That means they don’t ever let them out. Some walk them on leashes, like dogs.” That made Joy giggle. “Then there’s things like if the house is really loud or really calm. Cats like calm and room to play. Things to climb on. That sort of stuff. And you’d need to know if there are other pets.”
“So they wouldn’t be scared!”
“Yeah. Do you think Makai would just give a kitten to anyone?”
“No! He’d make sure they’re all safe!” And that was why Emil felt rotten. Even a five-year-old could tell Makai was a good man.
“Yeah. So, he needs to think about who he gives them to, and that’s why you’d need to talk with him. Tell him all the things that are good for a cat with you and your mom.” Then, before she could get more into the idea, he said firmly, “Butfirst you need to talk to your mom.”
Joy’s expression fell a little, and Emil tried to remember if Lotte had told him anything about a conversation about pets. He couldn’t come up with anything, so he did what he could to distract her. “How do you feel about veggie burgers andMoana?”
“Yay!” She jumped down from the rock she’d been balancing on and raised her hands in triumph.
Emil couldn’t help but laugh.Moanamade everything better. If only his life were as simple as Joy’s.
THE NEXTcouple of days, Emil helped Lotte with the homeschooling stuff she was doing with Joie. One day they were Joy, the other, Joey, but Emil was used to it all by now. He understood that Lotte wasn’t ready to put her child through the wringer of public school, not with how things had ended with the day care group last year.
People in town tolerated different kinds of views and people, but if anyone felt like something was rubbed in their faces, things got ugly fast. The whole issue of different genders and gender identities was still too new to the old-school folks in town, so when Joey—as Joie had been the first three and a half years of their life—had come to day care in a dress or other “girly” clothing a few times too many, some of the parents had gotten up in arms, and the rest was history. Lotte had chosen to pull Joie out of day care as an attempt to protect their innocence a bit longer. There was enough ugliness in the world waiting for Joie. They didn’t need to face it yet.
Emil understood. He’d seen that darker side of the world too young himself. At seventeen, it had culminated in something horrible, and there were still mornings when he wished he hadn’t woken up that day, or maybe at all.
In some ways, the town of Acker let you prove yourself to them. Like Doc Donovan. He and his husband had rolled into town when Emil was eight. The men had set up shop, and after the first few clients came out of the clinic—either side—happy, others soon followed. Besides, The Docs had been sort of straight-acting, as much as two men clearly in love could’ve been.
Emil had looked up to them, but he also wished he’d known them better or at least had the courage to befriend them back when he was still wondering about who he was himself.
