In some ways he felt responsible. He felt guilty sometimes. But then Evy’s teachings of how he couldn’t control everything and how none of what had happened to him had been his own fault kicked in slowly but surely, and he’d be better.
Sighing, he stepped inside the house.
“Emil?” his mom called from the kitchen.
“Yeah, Mom, it’s me.” He kicked off his shoes and went to deliver Dad’s message.
“Oh, that’s nice. I have a pot roast in the slow cooker.” She beamed at him, then remembered he had trouble with red meat sometimes and deflated.
“It’s okay. I had lunch at the diner, and I’m so full. Might be a sandwiches kind of dinner for me later,” he tried to lessen her disappointment, because it was never directed at Emil but herself.
She looked at him skeptically, her decidedly Scandinavian features pinching for a moment.
“Hey, call Evy. She was at the diner if you don’t believe me,” he threw over his shoulder. She opened her mouth to reply, but he walked away before she could form words.
And that there was their relationship in a nutshell.
Both his parents had had therapy too. Dad because it was work mandated, and then some extra because… well, he’d blamed himself. Which, if Emil was fair, he could understand.
He logged into his computer and put on some music to calm himself. He didn’t get panic attacks much anymore. It was more like zoning out and freezing totally in different situations, or sometimes curling up in a ball somewhere if he’d been truly spooked.
His phone pinged, and a message came through from Lotte. Smiling, he muted the music and then called her.
“Hey, of course I can watch Joie,” he said immediately.
Lotte exhaled with relief. “Thank fucking God. If you feel up for it, there might be more of that this summer. There’s a chance I’ll get extra hours at the diner if I’m free.”
“We’ll see. You know I love Joie. I can’t make long-term promises, there are still bad mornings and all that, but I think my mom would love to have a kid around the house if I couldn’t watch them.” Before Lotte could object, Emil hastened to add, “Like if we’ve made a deal for a day and I feel bad when the day comes, that’s what I meant. Honestly, I have nothing else to do, as I’m taking the summer off studying.”
“Okay, we’ll figure it out. But starting on Wednesday afternoon?”
“Yeah, I’ll be there at… midday?” He flopped on his bed and stared at the ceiling.
“Sounds great. Do you need a ride?”
“Nope, I’ll take Mom’s car, or if she needs it, she can give me a ride.”
“Okay, thank you so much, Emil. See you!”
“Tell Joie to figure out what they want to do on Wednesday, and see you then!”
He ended the call, still smiling. Being friends with Lotte was nice. Joie was a great kid, and in some ways, Emil was happy they had people in the LGBTQ+ community there while they were growing up.
Emil was pretty sure his childhood would’ve been nicer if there had been more variety in genders and sexual orientations in town back then. Sadly, there hadn’t really been anyone to look up to, but at least there’d been internet. Geez, he couldn’t even imagine growing up in the preinternet era.
Feeling tired, he unmuted the music through his cell phone’s Spotify and adjusted the volume. Next, he set an alarm to make sure he wouldn’t sleep too long now. He needed to get some hours tonight, so he could make sure that his brain at least tried to follow a more regular sleep cycle. Maybe he could make tomorrow an early night, too, and maybe, just maybe he’d have the brain on Wednesday to deal with as intelligent and inquisitive child as Joie.
Then he curled up on his bed, his extra pillow against his chest, and closed his eyes. Nap time.
