DEV SATon the porch with his coffee mug. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt as horrible as he did right then.
He didn’t want to eat anything, and he hadn’t gotten much sleep the night before. He was guilty as fuck for triggering Leaf, despite the fact that he couldn’t have prevented it. There was no way he could’ve known this tea tree oil, something he’d used for stubborn pimples since he was a teenager, would trigger Leaf so badly.
Sighing, he burrowed deeper into his sweater and wondered if he should contact his therapist. He hadn’t had an appointment in a while, and though he now handled his therapy via Skype since Dr. Mayer was back in Anaheim, he had strict orders to contact the clinic for an appointment when he needed one.
He sent a text to Dr. Mayer’s clinic, asking if there might be available slots in his schedule in the next couple of days.
The door behind him opened, and Leaf came out. Dev tensed, the feeling of shame and guilt rushing over him like a tidal wave.
“Hey,” Leaf rasped in his morning voice. “Good morning.” He walked behind him to the other chair, and on the way, he placed his hand on Dev’s neck to squeeze it gently. Like he always did.
This time, Dev tensed up.
“What’s wrong, sweetheart?” Leaf sounded worried.
Dev shook his head and relaxed just a little when Leaf removed his hand.
“Dev, love, it wasn’t your fault,” Leaf murmured, obviously catching on to what bothered Dev.
He snorted bitterly and shook his head. He picked up his mug, just to notice it was empty and set it back down.
Leaf used the moment to his advantage and grasped Dev’s hand gently. “Sweetheart. Look at me.”
Dev could feel his anxiety rise but allowed the touch. His body was starting to send mixed signals, and he didn’t like it. The anxiety made the back of his neck and shoulders feel tingly, and he wanted to pull his hand out of Leaf’s grasp. It was just so good to have that skin contact. He forced his gaze away from the table and to Leaf. Up his chest, then higher, until he was looking into Leaf’s eyes.
He wasn’t sure of what Leaf was seeing in his expression, but Leaf’s eyes held sadness.
Leaf clearly wanted to say something, but then decided against it and got up, never letting go of Dev’s hand. “Come on. Let’s go inside. I want to sit with you.”
Dev left the mug behind, even though it would annoy Seth to find it there when he came home from work, and followed Leaf like a puppet.
Leaf took him to the couch, sat down, and pulled Dev next to him. Then Dev was hugged close to Leaf’s wide chest, strong arms wrapping around him. “I would never blame you for something like this, Dev. You need to know that. None of us can control these things or know them beforehand.”
Out of the blue, a sob bubbled up from Dev’s chest. He burrowed closer to Leaf, no matter how undeserving of the comfort he felt.
“It’s okay. Just let it out,” Leaf whispered, and Dev did just that, breaking down in Leaf’s arms.
He wasn’t sure what he was crying for, but he knew it wasn’t just last night. He guessed part of it had to be about the fight with Angel. He knew how cathartic a good cry could be, and their parents had always told Angel and him that men cried, too, when they felt like it. That the whole “boys don’t cry” mentality was bullcrap and harmful to all people.
He didn’t know how long he wept, but suddenly Leaf chuckled, his chest moving under Dev’s head.
“I’ve never seen poor Grace so conflicted before. She doesn’t want to leave Weasley, but she wants to come comfort you,” he explained, and Dev smiled.
“I’m okay, Grace,” he promised, and the dog gave an audible huff.
“She settled back down.” Leaf moved one hand to the back of Dev’s neck, and this time it didn’t feel awkward. The thumb rubbing the skin behind his ear was good and calming too. “If I make something to eat, will you?” Leaf asked after a while of silence.
“Yeah, I think I could eat something,” Dev said, his voice raspy from the crying.
“Okay. Whenever you’re ready, you go clean up and bring me a new shirt.” Leaf’s tone was gently amused.
Dev groaned. Then, after mulling over his thought, he said, “At least I didn’tquitehave a panic attack?”
Leaf huffed. “Yeah, I suppose there’s that.” Then he got more serious and looked at Dev. “Sweetheart, you know it was horrible, for both of us. No, don’t shake your head at me. It was horrible forbothof us, for different reasons, but still. You’d never hurt anyone on purpose, Dev, I know that. I can see your heart every time you talk to anyone in this house. You love all of us, and you wouldn’t hurt us on purpose. So, when you’re ready, can you try to let go of the guilt, because there’s no need for it?”
Dev dropped his gaze and sighed. Then he took in a deep breath, held it for a moment, and exhaled. “Okay. Thank you.” He looked at Leaf, then. “I love you, and I’m sorry.”
“I know you are. I love you too. Go clean up. I’ll cook up something good, okay?”
