How it had all gone to shit in less than twenty-four hours, probably less than sixteen hours.
By now, going into a Sunday night, I was capable of falling asleep at a reasonable hour, but that just meant Adrian was more likely to appear in my dreams than in my thoughts. Someday, I thought, I’d stop thinking about him. Someday, I’d realize mid-day that it had been days since the name Adrian Vale had crossed my mind. Someday, I’d wake up and realize that I hadn’t thought about sex with Adrian the night before.
But we weren’t there quite yet, even if I felt certain that I had made the right choice to prioritize my integrity, my independence,me.
When I got home the following afternoon from work, I had a red envelope with a golden seal on the back waiting for me in my mailbox. It was addressed only to “Delilah” without a return address.
It went without saying that I knew immediately thishadto have come from Adrian.
But from him, or his persona?
I looked around. There was no one watching. Still, better safe than sorry. I hurried up to my apartment, locked the door, made sure the blinds were drawn shut, and carefully unsealed theenvelope, not wanting to accidentally tear something valuable inside.
Why I cared so much about something from someone I said was in the past…
I gently finished opening the envelope and pulled out a note on a gold piece of paper. It was handwritten, which was nice, but I wanted to wait to read it before making any judgments. The handwriting was definitely his, as it was controlled and sharp, though not quite as much as it normally was.
“Delilah,
When last I spoke to you on good terms, I said that I had a debt to you I intended to pay. One that had nothing to do with power or money, and everything to do with the fact that I saw you as something to be gained, not as someone to be with. I said that you were invaluable, priceless, and that I wanted not a grand gesture, but a simple conversation.
Unfortunately, I should have had that conversation with myself. I should have seen that what I really wanted out of this life—outside of you, outside of us—was not power and money, nice as those are. I have spent the last several weeks deeply reflecting not on what I did, but on who I am. For you see, I now realize that before I can do anything, I need to understand myself. I expect nothing of you, Delilah; I only hope that you will read this.”
I was still skeptical reading the note. It was nice to see Adrian turn his gaze inward, but to say he expected nothing of me… if that was the case, why had he sent me a note like this? And why had he clearly gone to great lengths to dress it up as best as he could?
And why was I enraptured with this note in the way that I swore I wouldn’t be?
“I have come to realize that everything I am is not because of what I have gained, but because of what I lost. I have only gained money because I feared losing it. I gained power only because I felt powerless all those years ago. I sought only to control you because I had lost Virgil and could do nothing about it.
I am not here to pretend that I will not continue to grow the Vale empire or that I will not have a streak of dominance. I am here to say, however, that I will grow better in channeling it. As I said before, you had asked what I meant when I said I wanted you. I said then that yes, I wanted your body, but what I really wanted was Delilah Reyes, the woman.
What I should have said was I wanted us to be the man and the woman we are. In that moment, without realizing it, I wanted you, the woman, but I wanted to keep the monster in me. I cannot pretend I can banish it forever; it is a part of me. But I can learn to control it.”
Maybe, I thought. To pretend that Adrian could banish a part of himself forever was indeed ludicrous, and it was fair to appreciate his honesty.
“You walk your own path, Delilah. Your integrity is a beacon. I respect that. More than that... I envy it. You called me out for choosing my empire. I'm trying to learn to choose better. I miss the chase... but more, I miss you.
I said I expect nothing of you, and that I only hope you would read this. But having finished this note, I now realizethat I hope to speak to you again. I will not have our last conversation be a bitter argument.
-Adrian V.”
I put the note down on the table, stared straight ahead, and sighed. At first, yes, I was undeniably touched. It was one thing to buy flowers or something stupidly expensive for me. It was another to write a very personal note, one recalling meaningful conversations we’d had; there was no amount of money that could just buy something like that.
And yet…
Something about this still felt too carefully curated. Call me crazy, call me refusing to let my true desires shine through, call me dumb, but the skeptical side of me just could not believe this was a full sign of change. A letter planted a seed, and seeds grew into something more; something often uncontrolled or unbearable. Was this truly a sign that Adrian was a changed man, or a more refined, calculated manipulation?
It wasn’t fair to Adrian, but after everything that had happened, the bar for establishing truth was so high, not even one single letter would make a difference. It was a good step, yes, but it was not the full jump I needed to see.
As this realization took hold, the initial excitement I felt faded into something more like muted disappointment. That wasn’t fair to Adrian. What was he supposed to do? The grand appearance would have seemed even more manipulative. Anything more excessive would have suggested buying or forcing my way back in.
With a sigh, I put the note in a nearby drawer. Maybe this didn’t reflect as poorly on Adrian as it did on me.
Or, maybe, it was just the most potent sign yet that the rational, professional, detached side had ultimately won the battle against my heartfelt, emotional, vulnerable side.
My phone buzzed with a call from a source within Reno’s police department. I absentmindedly answered the phone and asked the questions I wanted to, letting my phone transcribe the conversation. Instead of paying attention to that, I pondered the note and what Adrian could possibly do to win me back.
It only left my head reeling even more that I was even asking that question in the first place.
