"It's not fair to either of us to keep doing this, Charlotte. We want different futures."
I'd let him go. Told myself it was the mature thing to do. The loving thing. Now, with the clarity of time and a failed marriage behind me, I wondered if it had just been the path of least resistance for both of us.
He was probably married now. Probably had some elegant, sophisticated wife and a perfect life in some perfect city. Seeing that… seeing him happy and settled while I was... this, would be a special kind of masochism.
But what if he wasn't?
What if the years had changed him the way they'd changed me? What if he walked into that gymnasium and our eyes met across the room, and for just one second, I saw a flicker of the boy who'd known me better than anyone ever had?
I picked up my phone.
Charlotte
So you won’t tell me the rumor?
Beth
Come Saturday and find out.
Charlotte
You're the worst.
Beth
I'm the best, and you love me. See you at 6:30. Wear the green dress. It makes your eyes look special.
Charlotte
In what way?
Beth
Makes them look like you have secrets. Very mysterious. Very hot.
I shook my head, but I was smiling. Beth had been my anchor since freshman year, the person who'd held me together when Miles left, when my marriage crumbled, when I moved back to Riverside with my life in boxes and my confidence in shreds. If she thought I could survive this reunion, maybe I could.
Maybe.
I carried the invitation to my bedroom, setting it on the nightstand next to the clock. I wasn’t even sure why I took it with me, but it felt like I’d go if it was the first thing I saw in the morning.
I got ready for bed with the same automatic efficiency I used at work. Wash face, brush teeth, pull on an old, soft t-shirt that had survived three apartments and one divorce. I slid under the cool sheets and turned off the lamp.
The room went dark, but the green numerals of the clock cast a faint glow: 10:47 PM.
My life was stable. It was small. It was safe. I had a job I was good at, a mother who loved me, and a best friend who wouldn't let me disappear. I was competent, capable, and utterly alone in a way that had nothing to do with an empty apartment andeverything to do with the hollow space inside me I didn't know how to fill.
Something was missing. I couldn't name it. But its absence hummed constantly, like the quiet hiss of tinnitus, that only appeared when everything else was gone.
I stared at the ceiling, sleep escaping me by just a few more seconds.
Will Miles be there?
The question echoed, unanswered.
And then, as if the universe had heard me wondering, my phone lit up on the nightstand. A notification from the reunion's event page, the one Beth had forced me to join weeks ago.
I almost ignored it. Almost rolled over and let it wait until morning.
