Tell her about me, I dare you.
“I’m fine.” The lie slipped out of me before I could catch it. I knew I wasn’t fine—far from it, actually—but I dreaded the consequences of admitting the truth. The last time I’d shared my real feelings, Ava had stopped talking to me. And although I didn’t believe Principal Reid would grant me that same silent treatment, I did fear what she would force me to do.
“Do you have an explanation for what happened in Mr Han’s classroom?” she asked.
“I was overstimulated,” I told her, and that wasn’t necessarily a lie. “I was disappointed in my results and…I lashed out. It was wrong. I’m sorry. It won’t happen again.”
“And your four-day absence?” she pushed on.
Tell her how you spent all day in bed. You didn’t even shower, you dirty freak.
“Unwell,” I forced out. “And much better now.”
A quiet sigh escaped Principal Reid’s throat as she leaned back in her seat, watching me.
I kept my head down, afraid that if she glimpsed my red-rimmed eyes, she’d see right through me.
“I had high hopes for you, Mr Saint,” she said after an agonising moment of silence. “You’re an intelligent young man. If you’d asked me who would be school Dux a month ago, I would have said you.” She shook her head, disappointment darkening her features. “I don’t know what is going on. And I have known you long enough to know you won’t tell me what it is. But it is important you get yourself together for these final years, Augustus. Don’t throw your future away. If you put your head down, and work hard, I truly believe you’ll get into a university of your choosing, in any field you desire.”
I swallowed hard, a heavy weight sinking into my chest. She was right. I needed to put myself back together. I owed it to myself, and Auden, to secure a good future for us. The Devil was a test I could not fail. I’d let him drive my mother away, and Ava too, but I would not let him drive away my future.
***
Sleepless nights with my face buried in a book chased the nightmares away.
My marks returned to eighty percent and above as I slipped into my final year, though the fear of failure never left, haunting me down every corridor and down every staircase.
Success was not easy to obtain, it required hours of study, exams often finding me in my dreams, where I had five minutes left to complete a one-thousand-word essay. I would wake up,in a cold sweat, the Devil on the bed beside me, laughing at the stress that had its tight grip around me.
Although Ava and Eden had separated over the summer between year twelve and thirteen, there was no attempt at rekindling our friendship. We hadn't messaged at all over our break, and upon returning to school, I only discovered their breakup when I caught Ava with a group of girls from her photography class and not Eden. Instead of approaching, I watched happiness leak from her from a distance.
My absence in her life didn’t seem to weigh on her at all, but I missed her every day.
Auden kept me company at recess and lunch in the art rooms. While I worked on my final art project, he completed his homework. He still hadn’t made any friends, and since final exams were fast approaching, I was growing nervous about leaving him all alone. Who would be there to protect him when I was gone? All I wanted was to amend the sins of my past. It was my fault he grew up without parents, and I wanted to give him the best chance at being a teenager and adult that I could. After all he suffered, he deserved happiness.
In between studies, I researched university courses to answer the one question everyone, including myself, had begun asking: What do you want to do after school?
University was the logical answer. I was studious, so pursuing academia made sense. I wasn’t good with my hands, so a trade was out of the question. And while I enjoyed art, and received praise from my teacher often, I could not see a future where I could live off my art. The world did not respect the arts, and while it was a nice dream to pursue your passion, I knew that I needed something stable, something I could live off.
But, apart from art, there was nothing I was particularly passionate about. I liked reading, history, and writing—but the only options before me were being a teacher, a librarian, or amuseum collections manager. None of those screamed at me with enthusiasm.
All around me, my classmates seemed to know exactly what they wanted to do. Teacher, nurse, doctor, lawyer, news presenter, pilot, photographer, event planner. One by one, they enrolled in courses designed to aid them in their future career, and I was left with no idea of what I wanted to do.
It was not until one night, alone in my room, that a spark ignited. A small spark, not enough to light a fire, but enough to form an idea.
My mother’s journal was in my hands, her panicked handwriting staring up at me with startling clarity.
February 27, 2009
God speaks to me in my dreams. He tells me my son is possessed by the Devil.
He gives me instructions on what to do, and I feel his presence when I tighten the restraints around Augustus’ wrists, withholding food until he apologises for misbehaving.
Marcus says I am insane, but he doesn't understand. Everything I do…I do for our family. Jesus was accused of being crazy too. The son of God! If I am crazy, then crazy I am. I will not give up on my family.
To kill the Devil, my son must die. And that is a sacrifice I am prepared to make.
The words should have stung. But instead, relief loosened my shoulders, gently cascading over muscles that had known nothing but tension. My mother did not hateme.She hated the Devil.
