“I know,” Ava nodded, shoulders dropping. “And I’m sorry to have disappointed you. I didn’t mean to. I’m just…I love Eden.”
“I understand.”
Liar.
“Come on,” Ava said, wiping at her eyes, “We’re going to be late.”
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
I had always been my own worst enemy.
The moment I entered the world, loneliness haunted me like a ghost summoned to a Ouija board—only there because I allowed it. And so, I pulled out my mother’s journal, knowing all that it would bring me was pain.
There were nights I contemplated burning it, watching it transform to nothing but ash and dust. But then there were nights where I was drawn to the memories of my mother, craving her presence even if only through words.
September 19, 2007
Augustus is a nightmare.
Meals he loved only a week ago now lay untouched on his plate, his stubbornness wasting Marcus’ hard-earned money. He talks back, questioning everything…even God. The other night, as we sat cuddled on the couch, he asked how to know whether he was awake or dreaming. There is something wrong with him.
And there is a violence in him when he doesn’t get his way. Doors slam, holes appear in walls, hateful words spill from his lips.
He draws pictures of monsters and lies in an attempt to manipulate me. Just the other night, when I took away his crayons and pencils, he looked me in the eye and said, ‘You act like you’ve never been bad, too.’
Nightmares plague him every night, the Devil invoking such fear that he calls out my name. When I come to him, he is asleep with his eyes wide open, eyes as black as night.
I love my son more than anything, but the Devil is fighting for his soul, and I must fight back.
I will not give up on him. I will fight until the very end to bring him with me into the Kingdom of Heaven with the Lord, our God.
I slammed the book shut. My own worst enemy—inviting pain I should have long since buried.
People like my mother lied. They made promises they didn't keep. I didn’t blame them. It was only a matter of time before they uncovered the truth, before they realised I was a snake wearing the wrong skin, an actor behind a mask.
You must understand that everything was—is—my own fault. I had opportunities to cease being alone, but I was incapable of grasping onto them. Maybe, deep down, I wanted to be on my own. It was easier than being disappointed, let down.
Summer came and went. I spent all of it alone, in my room, ignoring messages from Ava asking if I wanted to go to the beach with her and Eden, or join them on a camping trip, or come over for a horror movie marathon. I did not want to be a sympathy invite, so I pushed her away.
Auden insisted on keeping me company, face buried in a book on one side of the bed while I curled up on the other, staring blankly at my bedroom wall.
I couldn’t move. I could barely eat. Nothing convinced me to leave my bed. I just had no energy.
And then summer ended, and fear enveloped me in a cage only I had the key to. But I never unlocked it.
My own worst enemy.
***
I walked through the school gates with Auden by my side. Pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose, he looked around with wide eyes, no doubt in awe at how much larger this school was compared to his former one.
With a gentle hand on his upper back, I guided him toward his form room, answering all his questions along the way. His hands were fluttering wildly in front of his chest as we neared his classmates. When I caught them staring, I moved to shield him from their judgemental gazes.
“You remember where to find me at recess and lunch if you need me?” I asked just as the bell rang.
Auden nodded enthusiastically, eyes darting in between me and his classroom. “The art block!"
My heart ached. Despite everything we had both been through, we had made it to this moment. My baby brother, all grown up. He was in secondary school, he was using his words confidently, and he was excited to learn. I was proud of him, like a father might be proud of their own son.
