His smile was a dagger to the heart, his laugh the hand that tore it from my flesh, letting me bleed out alone on the floor.
You wanted him to be happy, didn’t you?
No. I wanted him to be as miserable as I was without him. And that was the problem.
I averted my gaze and returned to my grade, clicking on a link to the class ranking without acknowledging the taste of venomon my tongue. Why did everyone else get to be happy? Why was I always left alone to dance with misery?
Because they let themselves be happy. You had your chance.
I didn’t need him. I didn’t need anyone. Loneliness and I were old friends.
Liar.
Equal first place. Tied with Nathaniel, of course. The class ranking listed his name first, followed by mine right by his side. If we were still together, we might have celebrated with another date night. Instead, my gaze drifted toward where he sat with Professor Haywood, discussing the summer class he'd told me he planned on taking. He didn’t turn around. Not once. Not even when I heard Haywood announce we shared equal first in the course ranking.
Unable to stomach his presence any longer, I gathered my things and fled the library, desperate to escape before the Devil’s words unravelled me once more.
“Augustus.”
I paused in the doorway, glancing up at Nathaniel who peered down at me, expression unreadable. “Congratulations,” I said, voice cold, “you secured the first-place ranking. Just as you wanted.”
“As did you.”
I shrugged. “Not an achievement for me. I wanted to surpass you. Not tie with you.”
“Still?”
“Always.”
Nathaniel sighed. “Can we talk? Please?”
“We’re talking now.”
“You know that's not what I meant."
I turned away, but Nathaniel's fingers found my wrist, holding me back.
"I’m sorry, okay? The interrogation was wrong and–"
“It doesn’t change the fact that you think I’m crazy," I cut him off.
“I don’t think you’re crazy,” he said, inching closer. “But I do think you need some medical attention that–"
I pulled my wrist free. "I'm leaving."
“Please don’t go,” he begged, voice cracking. “Just stop pushing me away. You always shut me out instead of letting me help you.”
“I didn’t ask for your help. I don'twantyour help."
“One day,” he whispered, eyes saturated with unshed tears, “you’re going to push too hard. And no one is going to be there when you realise youdowant help.”
“How hard will I have to pushyouuntil you leave me the fuck alone?” I asked.
A flicker of hurt cascaded down his face. “You don’t want me to leave you. You don’t. I know you don‘t.”
The laugh that erupted from me was pure ice. “What makes you so damn sure?”
“I know you,” he whispered, hand extended towards mine, warm gaze pleading, “and you are scared. Your whole world is crumbling. You are running away from something good because you’re terrified to lose it. But Augustus…I am here. I am RIGHT HERE! Don’t run from me. Please…not me.”
