“What’s going on?” he asked, the tone of his voice sending an ache through my chest. “You’ve just…ghosted me. Why?”
How could I tell him about the Devil? How could I explain that I was trying to protect him? How could I make him understand that I would only bring him pain, and that it would be easier for the both of us to pretend the other didn't exist?
“Please,” he begged, reaching for my hand, “just tell me what it is so I can fix it.”
“You…can't,” I said.
His eyebrows furrowed. "I don't understand…"
“I just…” I fought for words. “...please, just leave me.”
“No.” Nathaniel said. Final. He gripped my hand tighter. “Talk to me, Augustus.”
I closed my eyes, fighting back the tears threatening to fall.
“We were good,” Nathaniel went on, urgency drenched in his tone. He wanted this to work. Badly. “We were good, right? I wasn’t imagining it?”
I shook my head.
“Then what happened?”
The Devil happened.Ihappened.
“Augustus? Please…”
“I don’t want to hurt you…” I whispered.
“You’re hurting me every second of every day,” Nathaniel whispered back. “It hurts so fucking bad. But I want you to hurt me. I want you to look me in the eye and tell me you hate me, if only so that you will look at me.”
I raised my eyes to look at him, and every single one of my defences crumbled. There was nowhere I wanted to be other than his arms. I'd made a mistake. “I’m sorry,” I breathed out, throwing my arms around him, face buried in his chest. “I’m sorry. I got scared and…”
Nathaniel’s own arms snaked around my waist, holding me close as he whispered soothing words into my ear. "It's okay, Augustus. It's okay. I'm here. I'm never leaving you."
I am here too, little monster. And I amneverleaving you.
***
The God's Soldiers Church had yet to respond. My mission to find my mother was on hold, and although the Devil had barricaded himself in a dark cell within my mind in rebellion, my own conscience demanded I save her.
There wasn't a lot to go on, though. My research resulted in one single article from when my mother first went missing, the Rose Chapel Police Force pleading with the public for any information. No one knew where she was. And no one cared enough to keep looking.
“Why are you searching for mum?”
Auden stood behind me, eyes glued to my computer screen as he adjusted his glasses, lips pursed in displeasure. I hadn't heard him come in, his bare feet silent against the carpeted floor.
"Auddie, I thought you were asleep," I said, "are you okay?"
"Why are you searching for mum?" he repeated.
"I…was just curious."
“About what?"
“What the search was like…” I half-lied, “...you know, when she first went missing.”
“Why?” His voice lowered a fraction, eyebrows furrowed. A flash of anger darkened his eyes—a flash of fear parting his lips. It made sense, really. He'd been alone with our mother before I'd arrived, trapped within a circle of flames, smoke crawling into his lungs. He had more reason than I to fear her.
“Because dad never told us anything,” I answered, frustration creeping into my voice. In those early days, I had a lot of questions. Auden too. If our father had answered them, perhaps I wouldn’t be here now, typing her name in a search engine as though she were a mere case study and not my mother.
