I shook my head, embarrassed, scared and guilty.
Iwantedhim to kiss me. Ilovedthe feeling of his lips against mine, but the idea ofmoresent violent shockwaves through my body. I didn’t wantthat.And I knew Nathaniel would not have pressured me to do so, but knowing hewantedto was a wake up call. I could not give him what he wanted. I could not string him along.
“You…you didn’t do anything wrong,” I said, scrambling to my feet. “I’m sorry. I just don’t think we should…”
“Should what?”
“Do that again.”
Nathaniel frowned as he climbed to his feet. “Was I that bad of a kisser?” He asked it jokingly, but I could tell by his wounded expression that there was some genuine insecurity there.
“No, of course not.” I wanted to bury myself in a hole and lay there until death enveloped me into its arms.
“What is it then?” he asked, voice gentle.
“I don’t want to have sex.”
“We don’t have to have sex."
“But youwantto.”
Nathaniel infiltrated the space between us, hand raised toward my cheek, his expression softening as he looked deep into my eyes. “Iwantto be with you. I want to be with you in any wayyouwant to be withme.”
I must have had doubt written all over my face for he added, “I am not here to change you, Augustus. I am not here to wait until you are ready. If you one day decide you want to take that step, then great, I’ll be with you. And if you decide youneverwant to go beyond kissing, that’s great too!”
“I just don’t want you to miss out on anything,” I whispered.
Nathaniel tilted my head up to look at him. “All I want is what we have now. Art galleries and flowery fields and late-night study sessions locked in a library."
My vision blurred. “Really?”
“Really,” he confirmed, pressing a feather-light kiss to the top of my head. “Now, let’s finish up your painting, hm?” He pulled away and lowered himself back down onto a cushion. “I can’t wait to see what masterpiece you've created."
CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE
Days with Nathaniel were picnics in grass meadows, movie nights snuggled underneath blankets, and after-hours tours ofBrowning Bookswhen it was my turn to close up shop. It was stolen kisses between classes, longer kisses in silk sheets, with no pressure for anything more.
The Devil quieted in his presence. Nightmares transitioned to dreams. Permanent scowls were replaced with permanent smiles. I was, in every sense of the word,happy.It was strange, unfamiliar, but I clung to it, afraid of it being snatched from my hands, never to be found again.
We received our results forPsychological Manipulation— ninety-eight percent, the highest in our class. Prior to our being forced to work together, we would have glanced around the room in search of the other’s reaction, but this time, we were seated side by side, grinning from ear to ear.
Nathaniel’s friends wanted to celebrate the end of the semester with a night of bar hopping, but Nathaniel declined, informing them he'd already made plans with me. His friendswriggled their eyebrows and made suggestive noises before Nate managed to shew them away with a laugh.
“We don’t have plans,” I pointed out as we walked away.
“I know,” Nathaniel chuckled, “but weshoulddo something. You’re the only one I want to celebrate with.”
"What should we do, then?"
"I don't know. It's your turn to surprise me, don't you think?"
"You wantmeto decide?"
"My love language is quality time and acts of service," he hummed, reaching for my hand, "so yes, Augustus, I would love it ifyouplanned our next date. Make it asurprise."
Planning a date was hard. Not only because I had not one romantic bone in my body, but because it was forNathaniel—and it washisheart on the line. What if I let him down? What if he realised I wasn't good enough for him?
To combat my self-doubts, I made a list of all of Nathaniel's favourite things—most of which I learned involuntarily during our study sessions. Music, the piano, video games, horror movies, his family, museums, reading. I considered forcing him to read Frankenstein by Mary Shelley on our surprise date—he'd promised to read it weeks ago andstillhadn't—but I wanted to prove I could be selfless, that I had paid attention to his interests and wanted to share them.
