“In what way?”
I shrugged. “They were questions about whether I was physically attracted to men or women…whether I wanted to kiss them and…you know…” I waved my hand in a vague, uncomfortable gesture. “But the truth is…I don’t feel physically attracted to either…so the test results were always inconclusive.”
“Ah, yeah, I’ve done a few of those quizzes,” Nathaniel mused. “Most really focus on physical attraction. Maybe you’re asexual.”
“A sexual what?”
There was a long pause as Nathaniel stared at me as if I’d grown two heads. “No,” he said slowly. “Asexual. A person who does not experience sexual attraction. It’s a sexual orientation, like being gay or straight.”
“Oh,” I said, embarrassed. “I’ve never heard of that. I thought I was just weird or broken.”
“You’re not weird or broken,” Nathaniel assured me. “There is a whole community of people just like you. But there’s a spectrum. Some might be completely sex repulsed, some might be okay with kissing, and others might be okay with having sex, it’s just not something that they need.”
“Wow,” I breathed out. “You sure know a lot about this stuff.”
Nathaniel chuckled. “See? Iamsmarter than you.”
I elbowed him in the side. His laughter only grew, my own lips tugging upwards in response. I hated how easy it was for Nathaniel to make me smile, but oh how I loved it at the same time. I had never felt so free.
“Out of curiosity, though,” Nathaniel said, “have you ever felt romantically attracted to someone? Like had a crush?”
Alexander’s dark green eyes flashed behind my eyelids. “Maybe. I don’t know. But I didn’t feel that way about Ava. I justmissed our friendship. It felt like Eden had taken her away from me. And we fought about it and we just…never spoke again.”
“I’m sorry that you lost such a close friend.”
I shook my head, no longer wanting to dwell on Ava or Alexander or anything from my past. “What about you?” I asked, diverting the conversation. “You ever had a crush?”
“Oh, yeah, plenty,” Nathaniel chuckled.
“And have you…” I waved my hand and added, “…been in a relationship?”
Nathaniel’s amusement faded and he shifted uncomfortably in his seat. I opened my mouth to tell him he didn’t have to answer when he said, “Yes. One.”
“What happened?” I asked.
“We were in high school. All boys private school. He was captain of the cricket team, and I was school captain. In retrospect, we were nothing alike. He was smart, though. We could debate about anything and everything.” He drummed his fingers against the table as he spoke, the only indication of his nerves. “But he…wasn’t out yet. As gay. He hadn’t told a soul. Only me. And so, we were…a secret. For a while, I didn’t mind. I wasn’t out either, so I respected it. But eventually Ididcome out. To my parents. To my friends. But he just…couldn’t.”
I bit my lip, hands itching to reach out and hold Nathaniel’s restless ones. “Did he have…strict parents or something?” I asked.
“I don’t think so,” Nathaniel said. “I only met them once but…they didn’t seem religious or old fashioned or anything. But maybe they were homophobic, I don’t know. I think it was more…the sporting culture. I think he was afraid of being seen as weak or as a…predator, of some kind.”
“So what happened?” I pushed.
“He grew distant when I came out,” he answered, sorrow painting every line of his face, “he probably didn’t want torisk being accused of dating me. I was…bullied by some of his friends. And he did…nothing. He just watched.”
My jaw clenched. “That’s fucked, Nathaniel.”
“Yeah,” he chuckled bitterly, “but I don’t hate him. He was…a scared kid. I hope he has accepted himself now. And that he’s happy.”
“Do you still…?”
“Have feelings for him?” Nathaniel finished. “No. Not at all. I’ve moved on. Been trying to find someone new for a while.”
“And no luck?”
Nathaniel studied me for a long moment before shrugging, “We’ll see.” He clicked his tongue and leaned back in his seat. “What about you? I know you’re notphysicallyattracted to anyone, but could you see yourself beingromanticallyinterested in anyone?”
I shook my head. It would be nice, I supposed, to have someone I could call my partner, someone to come with me to an art gallery, or museum, or to picnic with me in long grass by the water. But no one could love me. I was hard to love. My own mother had failed, what chance did I have with anyone else? I’d be lucky to even maintain a friendship.
