“Of course.”
“Love you, honey,” Cara said, eyes already closed.
“Love you too, Cara.”
I stayed and gently held her hand until I was sure she was asleep. Then I quietly slipped out of her room. Koa had probably answered, and I wanted to find Cara’s medical team and get some answers. I still had some time before pickup started and I would have to leave, so I hoped to take care of as many things as possible.
I was able to find Cara’s doctor and get a rundown of her care plan. She’d likely be in the hospital for another week or so, and then he wanted to transfer her to an inpatient cardiac rehab. Cara probably wasn’t thrilled that she couldn’t go directly home, but I would support whatever she needed to fully recover.
She was still asleep when it was time for me to go, so I wrote her a note saying I’d be back tomorrow to visit, and left.
Fall was always extremely hectic for us. Koa had long and late nights, and the kids all had activities and fall festivals, Thanksgiving feasts, disguise the turkey projects, and various other things we had to keep track of. This year had been ten times crazier. I was looking forward to Thanksgiving break just to have a few days to breathe.
Football season was almost over, thankfully, so Koa would be able to take on some of the other responsibilities again. I didn’t feel comfortable letting Wynter take the bus right now. The authorities hadn’t been able to find Aren—he’d missed his last meeting with his parole officer and hadn’t been at his listed address—and while I didn’t believe Wynter would try to go with him again, I was too nervous to risk it. When I’d mentioned it to our lawyer, she’d suggested we drop off and pick up all the kids for a while. There was no reason to believe the boys were in danger, but if Aren was back on drugs, anything was possible.
So, until he was found or Koa finished the season and could split it with me, the hours between 2:30 and 4:30 were pure chaos. I hated to admit it, but I couldn’t keep this up. Sometimes, I wondered how I’d done this as a thirteen-year-old all on my own, when weeks like this made me feel like I was drowning, even with all the extra support I had now.
My chest felt tight, a feeling that had been awfully familiar lately. I’d been one crisis away from collapse my whole fucking life, so why now, when things were finally starting to settle, was I feeling it so hard? Cara was getting better, Wynter and I were slowly stepping back onto solid ground, and now there was no chance that Aren would even get visitation rights, so I didn’t have to worry about that. We were seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I should be okay. So why wasn’t I?
The sun was bright as I left the hospital, making the brisk fall day a little warmer. And also making me hope I had sunglasses in the SUV. I never remembered to keep a pair in there, but Koa had about eight million, so there was bound to be one so I could actually see to drive.
I was shaking by the time I made it to the Toyota. My heart was racing. Fuck, I needed to breathe. What was happening?
Okay, dumb question. I wasn’t a stranger to panic attacks, but why the fuck was it happening now? It wasn’t the time. Nothing was even wrong. So what, I was a little overwhelmed? I was always a little overwhelmed. That was life with seven fucking kids. I needed to focus. Needed to breathe. Needed to pick up kids at three different schools soon.
I needed Koa.
Logically, I knew he probably wouldn’t answer. I doubted he even had his phone on him. I dialed anyway. Even if I only got his voicemail, it would help. I had to hear his voice.
“Riot?” I nearly jumped when his voice filled the car, since I wasn’t expecting it. “What’s the matter? Is everything okay?” Hewas speaking in a hushed tone, and I imagined he’d snuck off to some corner of the gym.
“I—” Fuck, now that he was on the line, I felt silly. I couldn’t believe I’d called him and interrupted him at work for no fucking reason.
“Riot.” His tone was stronger, more assured.
“I’m sorry. I know you’re at work. I?—”
“Hey, don’t apologize. What’s going on? Oh god, Cara?”
My chest burned as I sucked in a much-needed breath. “No. She’s going to be okay. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”
“Nothing’s wrong with you, sweetheart. Just breathe with me. You’ll be okay. I’m right here.”
“I feel like I’m spiraling, Ko. And it makes no fucking sense. Things are getting better. Why does it feel so hard all of a sudden?”
“Because you’re coming out of fight-or-flight mode. You’re allowing yourself to feel, probably truly for the first time since Cara got sick. It makes sense you’re crashing.”
I could see his point. I’d spent so much of my life surviving, it always felt weird at first when I didn’t have to.
“You’re so brave, Riot. And strong. I’ve spent most of the time I’ve known you being in awe of you. I know sometimes it might feel like too much, but when it does, remember I’m here.”
I banged my head against the steering wheel. “Y-yeah. I know. I know.”
“Are you okay to drive, sweetheart? I can leave?—”
“No! I’ll be okay. I just needed to hear your voice. Thank you for picking up.”
“Of course, Ri. Even if I’m not with you, I’m only a phone call away.”
