I should’ve seen Dougie’s departure coming. I was just as much at fault as he was. I failed him as a Daddy. Instead of talking about our issues, I stayed at the clinic well past closing knowing when I got home, he’d be asleep. Forweeks I did this like a fucking coward. Meanwhile he took his little time to the club and found a new Daddy.
How could I criticize him for that?
What in the world made me think the same wouldn’t happen with Jamie?
Just from our brief conversation during dinner I knew he’d had bad daddies. Hell, if Dougie and I had overshared or even had a conversation at all that would’ve helped us. Jamie’s oversharing was a non-issue for me and a welcome change.
Who was I kidding, Dougie and I were doomed to fail. Both were searching for something we hoped to find in the other that probably wasn’t there. This was a case where the boy was smarter than the Daddy. Dougie had enough, packed his bags, left me a note, and was gone before I got home.
And I’ve moped ever since.
Wow, and I call myself a Daddy.
I’m anything but the true sense of the word.
Opening the door to this room gave me pause, but only momentarily. As I stood here, taking in the nearly empty space, I wonderedwhat kinds of toys Jamie would like. Dinosaurs? Cars? He played both with Henry at the club.Animals. I envisioned him curled up with numerous stuffed friends, his big blue eyes peeking out betweenthem. Would he suck his thumb? Use a binky? He’s so tiny it’d be easy to lose him beneath a mound of stuffies. How adorable would that be?
A game of hide and seek until his snickering led me to his location. I’d sneak up and tickle him into a breathless fit of giggles. Dougie and I never played like that. How was it that I saw these acts so clearly with a boy I hardly knew? I admit to my mistakes with Dougie but maybe I’d matured enough to deserve a boy as delightful as Jamie.
Dougie would color or play with cars but grew bored fast, then he’d get into things to get my attention. Would Jamie be naughty and act out the same way?
Comparing them wasn’t fair, especially when I knew very little about Jamie.
Time to change that.
I backed out of the once depressing room that I now saw with a fresh set of eyes and pictured a certain sweet boy playing on the floor and slid the phone from my pocket and fired off a text.
Me:Happy Saturday, Jamie. What are you up to?
He’d mentioned having to work today when I read him a bedtime story last night, though I didn’t ask what hours. Could be a while before I heard from him, no use makingmyself nuts awaiting a reply. A potential new boy needs his own outfits and toys. With that I was off to my home office for a bit of online shopping though the voice in my head warned me not to put the cart before the horse.
I wonder if he’d like to go to the San Diego Zoo, or Sea World, or for that matter maybe both. We could take a week off and spend it traipsing around San Diego. It’s been so long since I’ve been there. Sun, surf, and sand, what a great trip that would be.
And I was off and running, ignoring that niggling voice insisting I chill.
Fell down the wormhole of a fabulous site I hadn’t been on in far too long and bookmarked way too many things for Jamie when my phone vibrated beside me.
“Hello sweet boy, how was your day?”
With a heavy sigh, Jamie replied. “We were so busy, Daddy T and my feet hurt.” The whine in his voice nearly had me grabbing my keys to go take care of him only I realized I had no idea where he lived.
“I’m so sorry you had a rough day, is there anything I can do to help?”
“No, I’m gonna shower and pack my bag.” I could hear him opening and closing drawers, I’m assuming gathering his clothes.
“Are you going on a trip?” He’d not mentioned it to me, but technically I wasn’t his Daddy, so he owed me no explanation, though I’d hoped we’d made a bit more progress than that.
“Silly Daddy T, no. I’m having a sleepover at Henry’s.”
“Oh.” I was at a loss for words, unsure what to say and suddenly filled with a case of the sads.
“Daddy T, are you still there?” The perky boy I longed to hold asked when I’d been silent for too long.
“Yes, yes, I am. Have fun tonight. Call me tomorrow if you want.”
“Okay, bye.”
The tab for the little store was still open and one by one, I deleted each item from the cart.Click. Click. Click.Yeah, I got too far ahead of myself for sure. When all the cute outfits were gone, I shut down and fixed myself a strong drink and tapped in for a long, lonely night binging a show I’d been meaning to watch.
