‘I’m sorry. There was nothing I could do.’
‘Of course there wasn’t,’ I said, more snappily than I’d intended.
As a stony silence settled between us, I found myself wondering: is this what it’s going to be like? Feeling as if I’m way down his priority list, with plans cancelled at a moment’s notice? Yes, it probably is, I decided. This is what happens when you fall in love with someone at our age. Like it or not, other people are going to be part of it too.Grow up, I told myself firmly. Wouldn’t I put Charlie first too?
‘I really wanted to see you tonight,’ James added.
‘Well, never mind.’
‘I’ll call you tomorrow.’
‘Oh, you’ll be busy,’ I said, with a new brusqueness that had bubbled up from somewhere – I’d no idea where.
‘We can chat, can’t we?’ He sounded taken aback and a little hurt.
‘Yeah, see how you go,’ I said, wanting to get off the phone before I said something I regretted. And actually, as I set off with Charlie for the pub, I did regret being snarky like that. But it was done now. And it occurred to me that this was the first Christmas since Frank and Ibroke up that there’d been anything like a complication. A tiny one, yes, but it was there all the same. And now Ellie seems to have latched on to the fact that something is up.
‘So, what’s James doing tonight?’ she asks now, pink lipstick smudged.
‘He’s seeing his family,’ I explain. ‘His ex-wife’s organised dinner for them all tonight.’
‘His ex-wife?’ She blinks at me. ‘He’s spending Christmas Eve with her?’ Ellie and her family live in one of the biggest – and prettiest – houses in the village. While she has her own events company, and her husband Brian is something terribly high up in management consultancy, I have never envied their life. Instead of sitting at our table, Brian has gravitated to a cluster of middle-aged men at the bar; commuter guys, barely glimpsed in the village, who seem to prefer the company of men.
‘Well, it’s a family thing,’ I clarify. ‘James gets along fine with his ex and her partner, so he’s happy to—’
‘But youwillsee him tomorrow?’ Ellie cuts in. Across the table, Kim gives me a quick glance.
‘Erm, no,’ I reply. ‘He’ll be with them then too.’
‘With his ex-wife?’ she gasps.
‘Um, yes.’
She gives me a look that clearly says,Rather you than me with this complicated set-up.At the bar, Brian and his friends are guffawing loudly with the barman.
Kim leans towards us. ‘It’s pretty normal for people to spend Christmas with their families, Ellie,’ she points out.
‘His ex-wife is family?’ she squawks. ‘PoorLauren!’
‘There’s no “poorLauren” about it,’ I say with a forced laugh, as I try to shake off my irritation. ‘I’m going to have a houseful. These guys are coming,andtheir girls …’ I indicate Kim and Lorenzo at our table, andtheir daughters who are ensconced in the younger group. ‘And me and James have only been together a few months,’ I add. ‘We’re not at the Christmas-together stage yet.’
I down my wine, grateful when Lorenzo brings me another. I shouldn’t let Ellie stir me up, I decide, glancing over at the younger contingent’s table and seeing them all laughing and talking over each other, just like old times. And it’s true that I wouldn’t expect James to be with me tomorrow – but still, I can’t shrug off the disappointment that he’s not here tonight.
I check the time, murmur that I’m off to the ladies’ and slip away from our table. But instead, I step out of the pub, realising that, after our chilly exchange earlier, I really need to talk to James.
Need.The word snags at my brain. ‘Needing’ to hear someone’s voice is an entirely new thing for me, and I’m not sure I like it. All these years, when it’s just been Charlie and me, I’ve worked hard to make sure that the ground feels solid beneath our feet. And now it seems a little shaky.
‘Hey, darling.’ James answers immediately, sounding surprised – but happy – to hear from me.
‘You’re not at the restaurant already, are you?’ I ask.
‘No. I’ve just set off. Just walking to the tube—’
‘Oh, that’s good,’ I say, realising now that those couple of wines have already rushed to my head.
‘Everything all right?’ he asks lightly.
‘Yeah, yeah, I’m good. Everyone’s here. Drinks are flowing. You know …’
