So many words scrambled together inside of her, trying to make sense of this, trying to stop this goodbye.
Maybe she could love him enough for both of them?
But then her heart shook her head so sadly, and the moon seemed to take on a dimmer glow. Still, there was a verdant vine of hope in her that wanted to hold on.
"Maybe we could just be us, this, no definition and no boundaries," she said with shaking words.
He tilted his head. "That's not how relationships work, Eloise. Not good ones. Not the kind that you need. You're too," he stopped, his throat catching. He let out a breath and continued, "You're the kind of woman who should have the kind of man who can love you with a fierceness that you never have to question."
"You haven't tried to break the curse?" she asked the question that had been hovering in her throat for days.
He frowned. "I don't know if that's possible," he said.
"Do you ever think that maybe if you let someone love you-"
"Stop," he cut her off, the sharpness of his tongue like a lashing causing her to jolt back. "It is what it is, Eloise."
There was anger there. With her or the curse, or the world. All of it.
Her shoulders set as she leaned forward, a hardness entering her voice. "I think you're scared." His eyes flickered. "I think you being cursed is an easy out to not fight for something."
He laughed, a scoff that was humorless. "Fight for something? Fight for what?!" he yelled. He was yelling at the sky and all of its darkness. "I'm not worth it, Eloise." He thumped his chestand she tasted his desperation; smelled falling stars crashing to the ground burning a hole into the earth. "Do not lose yourself trying to find me," he said softly. All the anger dissipated as brokenness took its place. And she understood then.
He was more concerned about her losing who she was in a search for him.
He lifted his arms until his hands held her face softly.
"I want you to know," he started, his voice low, the rough edges leaving behind marks on her skin.
"Stop," she said shaking her head, closing her eyes against the tears she wanted to keep for herself. "I can't." She swallowed before opening her eyes again and she wondered if she would ever again look up into his blue eyes like this. And then knew that she wouldn't. This was the look between lovers, the look of goodbye; a giving and taking, more intimate than the touching of naked skin. "You can't leave me with words. But I need you to know that it's okay. I'll be okay."
She saw a sheen in his eyes that nearly pulled the tears out of hers. But then he blinked once, nodded, then leaned down, kissing her forehead, the movement rough, like he was holding back an energy he wasn't sure how to contain. Then his lips rested butterly-soft on her throat, kissing away the invisible scar there, making her heart clench painfully before stepping back, cutting off all contact between them.
"I need to go away for a little while."
She swallowed a lump in her throat. She watched his hands ball into fists and wondered if he had a similar animal inside of him, keening and thumping against his chest at the unfairness of this.
"I'll see you around, detective," she said softly, a tremulous smile holding back the pain. She was about to walk away, then added a passionately sad note. "I think the worst part isn't thatyou can't love, but that you won't let someone love you despite it."
She turned then, just barely making it one step before the hot tears rolled down her cheeks. She walked that way from downtown Salem to her favorite spot under the blooming peach tree behind The Lost Souls House; a breaking heart beating in her chest with every step, Lady Macbeth joining her and a watchful hawk soaring above them.
Once she sat below the peach tree, with a pregnant raccoon curled up with her little black hand wrapped around her pinky finger and the hawk nestled onto a branch, the light in the kitchen flipped on and out came the other half of her heart, carrying a blanket. Silently, Ursula wrapped it around them both and tucked Eloise's head onto her shoulder where she then rested hers.
Words weren't needed. She wondered if Ursula had felt her heartache in the same way she could smell it; Eloise thought she smelled a little more human tonight than usual.
Was there anything more human than a heart breaking?
"I love you, Little Mermaid."
The tears rolled unrestrained, hot and heavy down her apple cheeks as the peach blossoms puffed and glowed, their fragrant smell surrounding them. She fell asleep sometime when she hadn't realized it, with a bed of clover holding her head gently and the blanket that Ursula had tucked around her and the sleeping raccoon tightly.
I've caught a man by the leg, trapped him with my eyes and the sway of my hips. How easy it is, to trap a man. They should fear us, not the other way around, don't you think?
When you wake, you will be safer than before.
For a price.
25. Behind it All
