Fuck. This was so screwed. I supposed, at the very least, this new family wouldn’t be any different to my last. It couldn’t be more true how family were the ones who treated you the worst. Of everyone I’d ever met, I’d never trusted anyone more than I trusted Nikolai. Maybe it was even a little sad how this man, that I’d known only a few months had impacted my life. But I’d never felt safer or more loved by anyone.
And clearly, that wasn’t going to change just because the Varela’s found their long-lost daughter. No, why would it?
My chest was tight the whole ride home like a giant weight was sitting on my chest. It frightened me because I’ve never felt this concerned before. I longed to reach out to Anastasia, to console her. I knew she was deeply upset by what went down at her parents’ house. I didn’t blame her, I felt sorry for her - and I knew exactly what it felt like to be on the receiving end of shitty parents.
Instead, I kept quiet and kept my hands balled at my sides. Things had been better between us lately but I still didn’t know where we stood. As always, the ball was in her court. I didn’t know if she knew it or not but, she held all the power. Maybe she did know it but just wanted to torture me with it.
Or maybe, she’d just let me in when she’s ready.
Only time would tell.
“Do you wanna talk about it?” I broke the silence that had frozen over the cab of my truck.
“Not right now, maybe later.” I expected that. I’d come to learn that Anastasia took her time to process, and she usually did it alone. As much as I wanted her to open up to me, I respected that. Besides, I feared her breaking down once again would be all I’d need for the dam to break inside of me. And that would only scare her more.
“Okay.” I let her off the hook. As always, I would give her the time that she needed. I understood that this had to be a lot to process.
One day you had no family, the next you suddenly had a new set of birth parents. And to top it off that Rachel and Kaleb were all too happy to marry her off the first chance they got. All that was left to do now was wait until Anastasia made her decision.
This was what I’d been afraid of. Well, not the surprise betrothal. But the rest had been expected. They would only want her if she brought something to the table. It turned out, I had every reason to worry. From the look on Anastasia’s face alone, she was crushed. Just like everyone else in her life, their love was conditional.
I could only imagine that she just wanted someone to love her for her. To accept her for who she was. It was my understanding that she hadn’t had that kind of unconditional love before.
I took a deep breath trying to level my thoughts. I was disappointed too. In myself, in them, in the universe for putting my poor Anastasia through so much hell on earth. I hate that I just sat there through it all. At first, I had been trying to be respectful, letting her get to know her parents. Who was I to intrude on that? But it was like watching a car crash. You wanted to look away, to call for help but you couldn’t because you’re so paralyzed by the horror. I kept my eyes on the road but I knew I had to say something, I couldn’t wait until we got home. I needed to know what she was thinking, but above that I needed her to know that she wasn’t in this alone. “Anastasia, I’m so sorry about today.”
“I know you are, but it’s not your fault.” She answered absentmindedly as she continued staring out the passenger window. “Thank you for being there.”
I reached over the console to caress her hand, “I wouldn’t be anywhere else, and you know that right?”
“I do.” She finally turned to look at me, she even gave me a small smile.
“I love you, Anastasia. I will always be by your side.”
I could tell immediately that my words had stunned her. It was the first time I’d said those words to her. Not for any other reason than I thought she wasn’t ready to hear them. I had expected her silence, it was the shock taking over her body. Despite trying to show my love for her over the past few months, I still knew the words would have a big impact on her.
I didn’t care if she thought it was too soon, she needed to know the truth.
My cell phone rang, slicing through the silence. Anastasia had turned back around to face the passing scenery but her mouth was still agape. I figured I had time to answer a phone call while she took time to recover from the shock of my words, and maybe even start to process just how powerful my feelings were.
“What’s up, Finch?” I answered, cutting off the Mr Grinch theme song.
“Just wondering what’s going on, you’ve been a bit M.I.A lately.”
“Yeah, we’ve been a bit busy. We’ll catch up soon, okay?” I was antsy about seeing him at all. I didn’t know if that was the vibe he was picking up from me or not. With all that had been going on... I just hadn’t had the energy to see him. I loved him but Finch was demanding to be around. He liked to be the center of attention, and he hadn’t quite figured out yet that he wasn’t at the center of my universe anymore.
Anastasia came first. He needed to learn to respect that.
“Funny you say that. I’m on my way round.”
“What? Finch, we’re not even home.” I keep my voice stern, not showing the panic that I was feeling inside at his words.
“It’s okay, I’ll wait.” I heard the giddiness of his grin through the phone and sighed.
“But, we won’t be back for a while…” I tried once again, a last-ditch effort, to deter him.
“That’s okay. Take your time, I was hoping to catch the game anyway. I’ll see you when you get back.”
He hung up before I could respond. I groaned out loud as I dropped the phone back into the cupholder. That was another thing he needed to seriously work on - boundaries.
