Movementbeside me starts to clear the sleep from my mind. I stretch out in bed to feel that I’m the beds only current occupier. My muscles are stiff, they’ve never been worked out that hard before. I feel a dull ache between my legs but it only makes me smile. We really went at it last night.
Round one was a hard quick fuck, but I didn’t mind it. I loved it in fact but it didn’t beat out rounds two, three, and four. They were sweet and tender filled with hot kisses and heart-warming words of worship. What can I say, we didn’t want to waste any of the night away. I dozed off a few times only to wake up to Michael’s solid cock pressed against me. Talk about waking up the right way. Boy, am I glad I’m on contraception, there was not a condom in sight last night.
God, I’ve missed him so. Last night had been a true awakening, for me anyway. This is where we belong - together. We’ve been missing out all these years but I’m more than ready to make that time up.
I blink my eyes a few times before looking for what startled my slumber in the first place. My gaze finally lands on Michael, he’s seated on the very edge of the bed with his back to me.
I haven’t alerted him that I’m awake yet, so I just sit and watch as he rakes his hands through his hair. His shoulders are tensed, almost bunched up around to his ears. I don’t want to be the first one to break this weighted silence that we’re in. For one, I don’t know what the fuck to say after last night. I’m not even fully awake yet and I can already feel the elephant staring at me from the corner of the room.
Was last night a mistake? I honestly hadn’t thought so. But what if he did? Everything I was thinking mere seconds ago colors my cheeks with embarrassment.
I guess this is what an out-of-body experience feels like. I’ve never had one before but as I watch Michael turn around my heart sinks. No, it doesn’t sink. It bottoms out, it’s probably fallen through the floor and landed right in the kitchen sink.
His eyes look so wild, like he’s in pain but I know he’s not physically hurt.
I hadn’t thought much about the aftermath of last night, I was too busy relishing in it. But least of all, I hadn’t been thinking this was a negative thing. Last night had been hot and passionate but most of all it had left me feeling hopeful. We might not get back together straight away but I saw it as a small step in that direction.
Michael’s eyebrows furrow together and I have an instinctual feeling I don’t want to know what he’s thinking because whatever it is, it can’t be good.
After a good minute of eye contact, Michael stands and scrambles around to find his clothes. It doesn’t take long, he only had a few articles of clothing. Me on the other hand, my clothes may be lost forever. We were in such a flurry last night that it was mostly my six billion layers that went flying, or got shredded at the hands of Michael.
“I can’t do this, El.” He breathes out as he zips the fly on his jeans.
His eyes are everywhere but on me, maybe that’s a small mercy on my part. I can’t stand the thought of him watching me as I break down.
I clench my lips together to keep them from quivering. I keep my eyes trained on the television that hangs on the wall opposite my bed, out of the corner of my eye I see Michael pull on his t-shirt.
“Last night was a mistake. We’ve been down this road before, and I can’t handle the fallout again. It’s not worth it.” His voice is strong, his meaning ringing loud and clear.
“Just go.” My voice almost sounds like a whisper but it’s early, the house is eerily quiet, there’s no way he didn’t hear it. It takes a second for my words to spur him into action. He closes my door behind him, finally allowing me to breathe again.
It’s not worth it.He means I’m not worth it.
One part of me is absolutely raging. I’m worth fucking E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G. He’d be lucky if I were to want him back. I damn well know what I’m worth.
But then there’s another part of me, a part that is crushed. Because he’s right. What I put him through eight years ago nearly broke me for good. I had my reasons and I still stand by my decision today but I would never wish that pain on anyone. I’ve hated myself every day since for putting him through that but there’s nothing I can do to make this all easier on him.
Deep down I know that break up scarred him, it’s why I understand where he’s coming from. He’s only trying to protect himself. But I hate that it’s from me, it tears me apart inside. A gut-wrenching ache that won’t go away because I’m the thing he’s most afraid of. Not his job as an F.B.I agent, not bullets flying towards him, not even global warming - the Earth’s sign that the planet is dying. Me.
I held power over his heart once upon a time, and I broke it.
It was crazy for me to think we could go back to the way we once were. We’re older, different than who we used to be. Just because we were in love once doesn’t mean we can be that way again.
I’m just glad I hadn’t told him about the baby. I was going to. I was going to explain the other half of the story, a side that I know for sure he hasn’t heard yet. He may not hate me anymore, we did manage to clear that up yesterday but here I was hoping for more. That maybe after I told him it wasn’t just us I had been thinking of, he’d come around to trusting me again.
I didn’t want to hurt him back then, I don’t plan on hurting either of us ever again. Not like that.
I pull myself from the bed intending to get ready for the shitty day ahead. And,fuck! My car!I suppose I had better put my sneakers on. How else is a shitty day expected to start if not with a 3-mile walk? I’m sure my boss won’t mind if I show up to work tired and sweaty. I cringe inwardly and hop to it.
