“I’ve fucked my fist to that image almost nightly. For the rest of the nights, I imagined you swallowing my cock.”
“But not sex?”
“It’s all sex, Ken. But if you mean penetrative sex, I haven’t done that in ages. Years.”
“What if you trust the person? I have an IUD.”
I shook my head. “No. At this point, it’s been so long that I’m good without it. Yes, I have serious trust issues, but that’s no longer the barrier. I’ve decided that it’s something that is going to be reserved for a committed relationship.”
“What do you mean by a committed relationship? Are you saying not until you’re married?”
“No, but it would be with someone I could see myself with long term. You know, if I found someone who wouldn’tmake me anxious if I found out she got pregnant accidentally.”
Kendra again averted her gaze towards the fireplace.
“I mentioned I was pregnant once before.”
I waited for her to continue, but she didn’t.
“Yes, you miscarried.”
“I told everyone I had an abortion.”
She continued to stare off into the fireplace. The silence hung between us, and I let it.
“I lied because the situation had been so entirely out of my control that I wanted to regain something. I needed that.”
Her gaze shifted to mine, and the light mood had grown heavy.
“Ken—”
She interrupted me. “Why do I feel like I can tell you anything?”
“Because you can.”
God, I wanted to know everything. I wanted her to tell me everything she’d already told me, but sober, and on purpose.
“I’ve never even told my sisters.”
“Why not?”
“Because, Hawk. I went through my entire childhood with them following me around and idolizing me. And it turns out that it was misplaced. I wasn’t anything special in the end.”
“You are special, Kendra. Fuck. Who hurt you? Who do I have to kill?”
I didn’t consciously mean to use the word kill, and her eyes flared when she heard the word. But her reactionwas interest, not fear. She’d fought so many battles on her own, would she ever be willing to let someone help carry the weight?
“Who it was isn’t important. I’ll take that to my grave. He’s not worth jail time. Especially if it’s you doing the time.”
“Then tell me what you can. You’ve told no one?”
“Well, the Dartmouth Police have a rape kit on file. But that’s only because the hospital ER nurse encouraged me to file it, just in case I changed my mind.”
It took everything in me not to respond. This was her time to talk, and I owed her that.
“I had ended it with him earlier that week. We had been together all semester, and he had gotten a little controlling. It made me uncomfortable.”
She removed her legs from my lap and turned to face the fireplace. Her hands were in her lap, and I gave her the needed space. Her body shivered, and I wondered if I should stop her. Hold her?
